A New Beginning

[sage]

Karen,

Hi. I've only got a bit of time but wanted to post. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it...sounds like h is being difficult -- I remember those times quite well. The good news is that h's behavior is out of your control -- freeing you up for working on the stuff that's WITHIN your control -- you already know what that is -- that's clear in your posts.

Want to join me for an exercise? I know that we both have similar backgrounds so I feel comfortable suggesting that here's a trait we share -- personalizing what someone else says or does and reacting in a way that suggests it's about us. H's comment to you the other day was SO about him and not about you...to even give him a bit of the benefit of the doubt, while his comment may have been insensitive, it was still him expressing his feelings about a situation he expected to experience...there was actually no judgement or edict about YOU to be found. But, I know how easy it is to take it all on one's shoulders and think that somehow what we do or how we feel or whatever controls the world -- for ourself and others...but, hon, we just don't have that command or responsibility.

You KNOW what you need to do and where you need to focus...it's written all over your posts. STOP personalizing h's comments to you, practice "as if" and some non-reactive comebacks...you can test humor vs sincerity vs any other range of emotions. For example, when he made the comment the other day "humor" or "flippancy" might have dictated a flip "oh, sucks for you" response while sincerity (WAS he trying to tell you something about himself?) might have encouraged a "that must be hard" response.

Another point, I'm not at all suggesting this as a means to "save your marriage" -- I'm suggesting it as a means to save yourself. Can I ASSume that h isn't the only one who can ruin a perfectly good day by DOING or SAYING something that you interpret as a personal statement on you? (Again, I'm there often so perhaps I'm just ASSuming).

You say you're caught off guard...start practicing with every interaction!!!! Not just with h but with everyone! Guy cuts you off on the highway? NOT ABOUT YOU. Person cuts in front of you at the deli counter? See above. Co-worker, customer, boss, mom?

I'm right here with you, Karen. Your posts of late have made me notice that I've been falling into the same old habit myself. Let's work on it together.

Sage