I'm feeling really depressed now...H came home drunk last night and wanted to get it on. so, i cooperated, but it got to be a little painful since yaknow...when guys are drunk it takes them a while to complete the transaction. i joked that he just came to use me and he said, "well, at least it's mutual." i said that i wasn't using him. maybe this isn't really a funny joke! so, he passed out and i left him on his own bed and went to mine. this am he came in and apologized for passing out on me. i asked him to sppoon with me so i could get my "afterplay."
i get really depressed on tuesdays b/c i have to be at the mtg. co. all day. well, i don't ever HAVE to be here unless i have meetings/appt. i told H that i talked to another restaurant about a management position, and that the mgr. works tues-sat. 10am to 10pm. i told him i don't want to be married to my job. he said that in essence we are married to our jobs since we spend 1/3 of our time there. well, i said 8-10 hours a day is one thing, but im not working 60 hours a week. i am really frustrated with myself regarding the whole career stuff so i have a lot of feelings. plus, when we had big fight in august, t said that my lack of career ambition was a "killer" for him. but, I DO have career ambition, i just don't know what to do.
i was hoping to get a career in which i would be able to keep our house should we D, but i don't see that happening. so, i have lots and lots of feelings and i am feeling defensive towards H, but i don't want to. plus, i got jealous last night b/c he said his friend is on vacation this week, so they're gonna play cars on H's days off. (tues & weds.) i wish he would initiate spending time with me. i feel so sad and confused. i don't know what to do.
so, i told H that i wanted to talk about this stuff, but i'm not sure it is a good idea. he acted surprised and said he has things to do today. i was like, 'well, if you don't care, i won't talk to you about it..."
well, went back home this morning and talked to him for a little bit. i told him i am not getting a job as fast as i thought i would and that i don't want to work 60 hours a week even if it is just to keep the house. i told him i didn't want him to feel like he couldn't do what he wants to do if he does. like, leave... but he says he is at my mercy. i say, "what would make you feel more comfortable?" he wants me to contribute $ towards the house/utilities. i say how much? he says how much can you spare? he says winter is not a good time to put house on market anyway, and that he won't leave me high and dry w/o benefits. so, it sounds like he still wants a D, but he didn't come out and say it and i didn't ask. i'm not sure what the point of the convo. was...i didn't want it to be an R talk, but i was kinda talking as if we are getting a D. i didn't say, "so, last i heard you weren't sure. Does this mean you are back to wanting a D?" Maybe I DO want it myself??? i don't know. i don't want to live like this forever.
i don't really like the mtg. stuff anymore even though i am getting some money now! i don't know what i want to do which is frustrating to myself and i know it is frustrating to him too. i have so many regrets regarding my career. **sigh**
so, i told him i hope i didn't sound defensive, and he said, "too bad half our convos didn't go this well." i said, "well, they can, when we both try."
