Hi Doug, I am learning more and more about it. Primarily, it has to do with my childhood. My dad was very violent and my parents fought constantly. He hit me a couple times, hit my mom a few and threw stuff a lot and would bang doors and stomp his feet, etc. He was 6'4", so as a little kid, he was giant.
Anyhow, it's as if I am uncomfortable feeling comfortable. Calmness to me is scary b/c I am always on the lookout for the shoe to fall or the rug to be pulled out from under me or having the wool pulled over my eyes. hahaaa...i'm cracking myself up. But seriously, it is really scary for me to trust that everything is going to be OK b/c I was so used to being blasted by something hurtful i.e. dad getting mad at me and going off on me calling me names just when he was nice and loving and joking around the day before. Ugg...this is a HUGE problem for me.
I am so afraid that if I do really open up and trust my H, that he'll end up lying, cheating, or taking me for granted, or leaving me or who knows what else? SO, I remain hyper-vigilant and constantly on the lookout for a way to prove that he doesn't love me so I can catch it before I get caught up in it. Make sense? I know rationally that it doesn't, but it's just been ingrained in my head for so long.
Now my H is scared to trust me b/c he is afraid that things will go back to how they were in the past, that I'll never get past this, that I'll never trust him/open up/be able to be really intimate, that I'll lash out at him, etc. (Even though I have become much more gentle.) But, I never back off physically, just emotionally. I am trying to really catch on to the cycle, to really watch out for when I start feeling really negatively towards him and to console myself and not think in such black and white terms. Like, if we have a bad week, I think "this is the way it's going to be FOREVER, and I can't stand that, so I'm leaving..."
