I am starting a new thread with my new goals... Pam, can you help me link them??? Pretty please???
I have been feeling irritated about H not doing much housework. A few months ago he expressed not wanting to mow all of the lawn all of the time since it was me who wanted the yard for my doggies. So, I agreed to do the lawn mowing. One weekend he decided that we needed to get some house projects done and wanted our house to be neater, so he refused to go to a picnic with me and stayed home to work on patching foundation. He used to do most of the laundry, some dishes. I clean bathroom all the time and clean the kitchen floor, clean our room, etc. I've been trying to weed our flower beds and line it with rocks, but I am the worst gardener. I haven't planted anything.
Now that we are "separated," he has quit doing any of my laundry, and is letting some things pile up on the counter, etc. This morning I washed only my dishes. I hate to be petty, but I don't have time to do everything myself. I even washed some of his clothes b/c to me it is stupid to wash a few things of my own and use up all that water and soap.
We had talked about me keeping the house if we D, but I don't think I will be able to even with a new job. I thought I could go out and earn a lot more money, but I think I was kidding myself! So, if we sell it, we need to finish our living room which we started 2 or 3 years ago???
So, do I say anything, or just keep on doing what I am doing? Since, my goal is not to NEED anything or WANT anything...
He is going to fix my truck this week I THINK. So, that is helpful, and he is paying all utility bills now and mortgage. So, does he think that since he is paying all this stuff, that I should do more housework?? Maybe I'm just getting mad for the sake of getting mad. I don't know. He only works 4 days a week, a little less than 40 hours, and it seems like all he does on his days off is play with his RC cars-shopping for new pieces-parts, putting it together, writing on a BB about how to make the car go better, etc. Grrr....
GOALS: 1. Make money and find a new full-time job. (I am waitressing, paying my own bills, and have an interview tomorrow!)
2. Clean basement, clean my room/closets and get rid of a bunch of JUNK and old clothes. (All in progress, just have to finish!) Work on living room and dogpen. Keep my truck clean, etc.
3. Keep up my life-go out with friends, walk dogs, work on crafts, climb, do other exercise, etc.
4. Take care of my own emotional needs. Don't rely on H for much of anything. (He maintains that he is incapable of giving much emotionally b/c he is still trying to get over past hurts). So, I do this by hanging out with my friends, reading self-help books, and...I'm trying to get myself to church, but it doesn't happen!
5. Be warm, friendly and receptive to H. When he talks to me about feelings, I am being very open and understanding, not getting defensive, listening to him and validating him. When he initiates ML or refers to me having other boyfriends, I am v reassuring and complimentary to him.
I saw H briefly this afternoon. I hugged him from behind and told him he forgot to get his booty this am. He told me he had to go in to work. He was painting a RC car body and having trouble with it. He also told me he had trouble at work with an engine job. So, he was acting flustered.
I know that I do this distancing thing from him. After so many weeks of feeling close(r), I start to feel anxious and start thinking negative things about him. For example, I start thinking about how he lied to me and wondering if he is using internet porn again (esp. since we are "separated.") HOWEVER, he acts SOOO excited when he is with me ML!!! So, I think that obviously, the internet solution can't nearly be as good as the in person connection. It's like I can't overcome this barrier of trust. I am so afraid to trust him. I always have been and he didn't do anything to cause me not to trust him in the beginning.
When your H DOES do something to help you with the house, do you tell him how much you appreciate it?? I started doing that way back when and now, my H does so much and still EVERY time I tell him thanks so much!! Men love to be appreciated and feel like they are "taking care of" their woman. So let him know when he is doing a good job and I can guarantee, he will do it more!
Quote: I know that I do this distancing thing from him. After so many weeks of feeling close(r), I start to feel anxious and start thinking negative things about him..... It's like I can't overcome this barrier of trust. I am so afraid to trust him. I always have been and he didn't do anything to cause me not to trust him in the beginning.
Hi Your post caught my eye because the way you describe yourself reminds me of how my W behaves. It seems that we can't go for more that a few months without her discovering some major reason to distance herself from me. I have been striving to understand what goes through her mind at these times as it is very disturbing and confusing for me. She distances herself physically and emotionally and doesn't seem to care at all what it is doing to us.
My question to you is this...can you describe further to me your insights into why this happens? I am beginning to suspect that my W has either BPD (Borderline personality disorder) or at least tendancies towards it. (not that I am in any way even suggesting that this might be your issue!!!)
"...the true sign of insanity is repeating the same action, but expecting a different response each time!" Einstein said it, but I LIVE it!
Hi Doug, I am learning more and more about it. Primarily, it has to do with my childhood. My dad was very violent and my parents fought constantly. He hit me a couple times, hit my mom a few and threw stuff a lot and would bang doors and stomp his feet, etc. He was 6'4", so as a little kid, he was giant.
Anyhow, it's as if I am uncomfortable feeling comfortable. Calmness to me is scary b/c I am always on the lookout for the shoe to fall or the rug to be pulled out from under me or having the wool pulled over my eyes. hahaaa...i'm cracking myself up. But seriously, it is really scary for me to trust that everything is going to be OK b/c I was so used to being blasted by something hurtful i.e. dad getting mad at me and going off on me calling me names just when he was nice and loving and joking around the day before. Ugg...this is a HUGE problem for me.
I am so afraid that if I do really open up and trust my H, that he'll end up lying, cheating, or taking me for granted, or leaving me or who knows what else? SO, I remain hyper-vigilant and constantly on the lookout for a way to prove that he doesn't love me so I can catch it before I get caught up in it. Make sense? I know rationally that it doesn't, but it's just been ingrained in my head for so long.
Now my H is scared to trust me b/c he is afraid that things will go back to how they were in the past, that I'll never get past this, that I'll never trust him/open up/be able to be really intimate, that I'll lash out at him, etc. (Even though I have become much more gentle.) But, I never back off physically, just emotionally. I am trying to really catch on to the cycle, to really watch out for when I start feeling really negatively towards him and to console myself and not think in such black and white terms. Like, if we have a bad week, I think "this is the way it's going to be FOREVER, and I can't stand that, so I'm leaving..."
H & I have been chit chatting here and there. Friday night I init. ML and he rocked my world. I complimented him a lot. He seemed kind of tense though or maybe it was me feeling that way. He then fixed the part on my truck and I told him I was going to my friend's house and maybe out. He only went out to din by himself. Saturday I told him I was going to din w/another friend and he said he was staying home. I came home Sat. night, he was still up tinkering with his rc car. I wanted to hug him so bad and tell him that I love him and want to be with him, but I refrained. We slept in the same bed Thursday night I think. All the other nights I went to my own bed.
Usually he comes into my room after I go to bed and maybe sits down & we snuggle. Last night he came in and I asked him to sit, but he stood for a few mins. I asked him again and he did. I hugged him for a little while and he then went to his room. **sigh** I wish he would ask me to go to our room with him. I don't know what he wants! Well, I'm pretty sure he wants to be with me, but I know he is scared. So, I'm patiently waiting...
Hi Karen Wow. Sounds like you are living in a mirror world of mine! It is really helpful to hear you describe your state of mind as it gives me some real insight into my W.
Perhaps I can return the favor by describing my own reaction to my W's "actions".
We too have spent a lot of time in separate bedrooms. She claims various reasons for it...a new mattress that hurts her back, I snore, she can't settle. When we have "good" days where she is obviously feeling closer to me she has no difficulty sleeping in the same bed. Still no physical contact initiated by her though. Anyway, I feel emotionally abandoned by her. I decided a long time ago that she is not deaf and hears me quite well when I do complain of a lack of closeness, but I see very little movement by her to correct this on her part. I have just decided to not get my hopes up and have begun to insulate myself from disappointing rejection. After all, you can only bang your head against a wall so many times before you discover that it hurts and it is a good idea to discontinue. Repeated rejection leads to bad feelings etc. I am very lonely, but I know that if I ask for closeness, she interprets me as a whining weakling. It just seems I cannot win, so I no longer try. I am still sad, and it shows. Perhaps if I try and am disgustingly pleased with myself about it she may take an interest in me again, but I am just not in that space.
As I re-read this, I do not think I have given you much helpful info, but just ask if I can help you.
Thanks again for being on this board.
D
"...the true sign of insanity is repeating the same action, but expecting a different response each time!" Einstein said it, but I LIVE it!
I'm feeling really depressed now...H came home drunk last night and wanted to get it on. so, i cooperated, but it got to be a little painful since yaknow...when guys are drunk it takes them a while to complete the transaction. i joked that he just came to use me and he said, "well, at least it's mutual." i said that i wasn't using him. maybe this isn't really a funny joke! so, he passed out and i left him on his own bed and went to mine. this am he came in and apologized for passing out on me. i asked him to sppoon with me so i could get my "afterplay."
i get really depressed on tuesdays b/c i have to be at the mtg. co. all day. well, i don't ever HAVE to be here unless i have meetings/appt. i told H that i talked to another restaurant about a management position, and that the mgr. works tues-sat. 10am to 10pm. i told him i don't want to be married to my job. he said that in essence we are married to our jobs since we spend 1/3 of our time there. well, i said 8-10 hours a day is one thing, but im not working 60 hours a week. i am really frustrated with myself regarding the whole career stuff so i have a lot of feelings. plus, when we had big fight in august, t said that my lack of career ambition was a "killer" for him. but, I DO have career ambition, i just don't know what to do.
i was hoping to get a career in which i would be able to keep our house should we D, but i don't see that happening. so, i have lots and lots of feelings and i am feeling defensive towards H, but i don't want to. plus, i got jealous last night b/c he said his friend is on vacation this week, so they're gonna play cars on H's days off. (tues & weds.) i wish he would initiate spending time with me. i feel so sad and confused. i don't know what to do.
so, i told H that i wanted to talk about this stuff, but i'm not sure it is a good idea. he acted surprised and said he has things to do today. i was like, 'well, if you don't care, i won't talk to you about it..."
well, went back home this morning and talked to him for a little bit. i told him i am not getting a job as fast as i thought i would and that i don't want to work 60 hours a week even if it is just to keep the house. i told him i didn't want him to feel like he couldn't do what he wants to do if he does. like, leave... but he says he is at my mercy. i say, "what would make you feel more comfortable?" he wants me to contribute $ towards the house/utilities. i say how much? he says how much can you spare? he says winter is not a good time to put house on market anyway, and that he won't leave me high and dry w/o benefits. so, it sounds like he still wants a D, but he didn't come out and say it and i didn't ask. i'm not sure what the point of the convo. was...i didn't want it to be an R talk, but i was kinda talking as if we are getting a D. i didn't say, "so, last i heard you weren't sure. Does this mean you are back to wanting a D?" Maybe I DO want it myself??? i don't know. i don't want to live like this forever.
i don't really like the mtg. stuff anymore even though i am getting some money now! i don't know what i want to do which is frustrating to myself and i know it is frustrating to him too. i have so many regrets regarding my career. **sigh**
so, i told him i hope i didn't sound defensive, and he said, "too bad half our convos didn't go this well." i said, "well, they can, when we both try."
He told me he had to go in to work. He was painting a RC car body and having trouble with it. He also told me he had trouble at work with an engine job. So, he was acting flustered. 