You are doing great! Keeping it slow, not having unrealistic expectations. This will be a slow process and there will be bumps, so be prepared. Keep watching for actions. And make sure to let him know that you appreciate it when his actions are what you need. I think the WAS need to feel a little rewarded for their actions. It's weird but I think it helps them keep going forward when the bumps occur. Your doing great Kim!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Anna, sorry for not mentioning you in my last post but honestly we must have posted about the same time as when I was doing my post the last reply was from SH. Thankyou for your words.....KDU
Beth - Thankyou and when he told me about conversation with OW, I did say to him that it meant alot to me that he had been honest with her and I know it may have been hard to say. He said No it was O.K. and she needed to know. I said well I just want you to know that I think it was a good thing for her as well as it would help her move on and know where his head was at and that It helped me to see he was being serious about us. So I do validate and encourage when I can. Thanks though Beth I am sure there will be times when I forget and words like that are a wonderful reminder to keep me on track so keep saying them.....KDU
I have the same feelings and thoughts you are having. Like you, a few months ago I would have jumped right back into a R and hope that everything would return to normal...WRONG!
My H also updates me when OW contacts him. I thank him for letting me know; however, I do and I don't want to know because when I do know it makes me mad that this b!tch can not let go and let H and I work on our M.
In the beginning when I started DBing, I didn't think it would actually work, but it does. I'm so much a different person than I was 8 months ago. The most important thing I have learned is patience. Like you, I'm not ready to move over to the piercing thread.
I think you are doing an outstanding job. Like you said, take each day one at a time. I'm sure your H is adjusting to being with you again and there will be awkward moments, don't let this discourage you.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Kim. That is great news that things are going well albeit very slow. I guess this is one area where a fast fix won't work (even though sometimes I think it would be nice).
Reading your post about all the normal things you are doing like H mowing the lawn... I just thought "That is just so right". That you are happy just doing normal chore things ~ even though there are moments of uncomfortable ness.
H seems to be doing the right things too keeping you up to date on OW. Kim, maybe you need to borrow Yoyo's rubber band to whack yourself when those thoughts of OW creep in.
Hey doll! I'm so glad to see you're doing very well. You seem to be able to engage him without pressuring much or seeming clingy. You're letting him do his share of the work. Good job!
Something I was thinking about...as much as possible, make sure you don't let fear get in between you. You're going to naturally be anxious and want to keep your defenses up. But that's not really you; you're bold, Kim. Don't let recent events take that away from you. Be smart, but be brave. I know you don't want to get hurt again and I don't blame you and I don't want you to get hurt again, either. But if you do, you know that you can handle it. Despite having recent wounds still near the surface, you're way strong.
So just be yoursef Kim, and keep DB'ing his a$$!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
KDK, Kismet and BB, thanks guys you really are so good.
KDK, I know what you mean about hearing about the OW. On one hand you don't want to hear a thing about her but on the other you do want to know if they are having any contact. It is a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario. It's like you want to trust them but it is hard to and I guess that takes time and they have to learn that the trust has to be earned back. Nobody said it was going to be easy...sigh....It does help knowing someone else feels the same though so thanks KDK....
Kismet, yes it feels right at some points but boy can it be awkward. This is unknown territory for me so I am trying to tread carefully. I am still hoping we can get it all back on track but that remains to be seen. I guess all I can say is if it doesn't work out at least this time it would more than likely be a mutual decision, which I think would be easier to handle but one day at a time and fingers crossed
My beloved BB, thankyou for pointing out to me to keep my dignity and no matter what still be who I truly am. I struggle with this a little, as I want H to see that I am prepared to try and make sacrifices but need to remind myself to only make changes that feel comfortable and that can be stuck to and not to say I can if I know it goes against who I am or what I believe as that will only lead to disaster.
I am trying to be open and honest with H about things that matter in how I am feeling and this communication will take a bit of work as I am a talker and H isn't. The one thing I do when I ask him how he feels about something is gently remind him that one of his problems with our M was that I didn't take his opinions seriously and that I am trying to now but that if he doesn't tell me what he thinks I have no way of knowing.
This will take some time to develop and alot of patience on my behalf as words do not come easy to H. I am DBing my butt of I can tell you but I am also trying hard to not sacrifice who I am in the process.
You are right BB, I feel alot stronger these days and although it would hurt alot if this didn't work out, I am partly prepared for it and believe I would deal with it alot better than previously.
Now what did you mean about being BOLD not sure if that is good or bad. I know I can be a bit direct but I am very caring of other's feelings or at least I hope I come across that way. You see I look at BOLD as being rather loud and arrogant, which whilst I can be loud at times, I wouldn't say I was arrogant or I hope not as I don't respond well to arrogant people myself.
Just taking each day as it comes and can I just say this is it's own mini rollercoaster and at times I just get sick of riding them. (Funny I actually love the real variety). Aaaheem....I hope you all have a good weekend, I am having a long one (4 days Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues). This is due to Tuesday being "Melbourne Cup Day" and we are shutting my office on Monday so I am looking forward to that, oh and Daylight Savings starts here on Saturday night or Sunday morning whichever way you want to look at it so now it will not get dark until between 8.30 - 9.00pm. I love Summer......KDU
Hey Kim....You are doing good. I guessed it would take a while to LOOK-SEE before you want to move over to piecing. As for your H updating you about OW, the thing is just listen and validate. Remember NOT to be critical. As per Deb (over at piecing), sometimes they need to tell the LBS as part of their "returning". If you become angry or upset by what he tells you, he may just withdraw. As you mentioned, your H is not a talker. SO, him telling you about OW is sort of a good sign (eventhough you don't like it....vent over here or to friends...) Will check on you soon.
Hey Kim! It's great to read your post; you sound so centered and healthy.
Now what did you mean about being BOLD not sure if that is good or bad. ... You see I look at BOLD as being rather loud and arrogant, which whilst I can be loud at times, I wouldn't say I was arrogant or I hope not as I don't respond well to arrogant people myself.
ACK! I see you being bold in a good way, definitely! Like when WCB asked what you'd be for Halloween if you had no inhibitions and you said you'd be a nun cuz no one knows what's beneath those robes. That's great! And to me, that's bold. Like the plan you and your mum came up with to have her take the kids for awhile so you and H could try to work on things. You don't wait for life to happen, you make things happen. So that's a good way to be bold. I just put that out there because I don't think you'll be well-served to be walking on eggshells around H, or being overly anxious about whether things will work out now that he's trying. That's just not you.
And I doubt anybody sees you as arrogant. Sometimes I think you run yourself down a little bit. But not so much that it's worrisome. Just make sure you let us see that even though you know you're not perfect, you know you're still awfully good. That's not arrogance, that's just what you deserve.
Hope your long weekend went great! Please spill as many details as you have time for!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
