H is too confusing for words

[Jaylyn]

KDU,

Wow. Things really seem to be moving along for you.

I admire your strength and confidence in your discussions with H. (Where do I sign up for lessons on that?)

I am not to such a positive point as you, but I find the same thoughts: do I dare trust? do I want to try? is it worth potentially getting hurt again?

Tough questions.

[Burgbud]

Hey, KDU! I don't think checking up on H is horrible in and of itself. You're starting to make yourself vulnerable to him and you'd like some reassurance that you're not going to get burned right out of the chute. I don't blame you at all.

Just remember that he's not going to like it if you get caught doing it. Whether that's fair or not, he'll be happier with you if he doesn't think you're checking up on him. And you have to watch yourself to make sure you don't get sucked into a kind of paranoia where it almost seems like you're *trying* to catch him doing something he's not supposed to.

If you get to feeling insecure and a good opportunity presents itself, it might be worth it to check on him and hopefully increase your security and confidence with him. But be careful not to go overboard. You're doing so well!

[yoyogirl]

Life lesson - NEVER do anything that will make an OW happy! )

Yes...Yes...I wholly agree!!!!! If you've read my recent posts...this goal of NOT making OW happy is really fun!!! Again, no.. I am not mad nor crazy.

I can tell you all about it but I wouldn't tell H anywhere near what I am going to tell all of you.

I think this is mutual amongst us. I have said alot in my journals. But I wouldn't ever tell H that I feel invigorated that OW is not going to get the cake. LOL In a way, you are also doing an OSCAR. LOL This BB is a good way of expressing our views and thoughts, huh?

That is the first time I have checked up on him but I don't know if it will be the last.

Sorry to say this, but I don't think it will be the last. The trust needs to be slowly earned. And I think it's too soon for you to fully-be immersed in wanting to trust him. But could I suggest (my 2 crazy cents) that you continue to do an OSCAR of acting that you trust him. Give him at least a month or so of walking the walk, before starting to "invest" any trust. In that way, you are sort of protected on your side, and H have the "impression" that life is going on well...

I feel guilty for doing this, maybe b/c it is not in my nature normally......

Don't feel guilty. You are the WIFE. You are supposed to "KNOW" the well-being of your H...to put it nicely.

One Day at A TIME!!!!
It's a bright sunny future!!!

[WindyCityBeth]

Kim -

Wow. Another wild post! I guess I would just say that you need to do what you feel you need to do. So if you need to check up on him, then do it. But just be prepared that you might see something you really don't want to.

I am going to tell you what I am thinking about doing if my H decides to reconcile. I have asked him in the past to end the relationship with the OW cold turkey. Hasn't worked yet. And I don't think it will. But he can't move back home until it is completely over. But now that he is living elsewhere, he will have time to end it. And I expect him through his actions to show me he is ending it and proving to me that it is over. I'm not going to put a timeline on it but I do expect to see progress! I'm not waitng forever for him to end his A! But I do want him to come home knowing he made this choice and that he is 100% invested in working on our marriage with no outside factors. So I guess what I'm saying is that it will take longer than you like for the contact to completely end. Be prepared for that. But keep being firm in the fact that it needs to end and this is his last chance. And do validate him when he is upfront with you. That appreciation will help him get through some tough times.

I hope this helps. If not, just ignore it! But keep your chin up Kim. You are doing great!

WCB

[KimDownUnder]

Beth don't ever think you dont help you all always help. Even if I don't agree with people sometimes it still makes me sit back and go over it again to see if I have missed something. As for what you have said, yes I agree the OW has to go and she has but I think it is now the grieving side of things more so on her behalf. When she leaves him alone it will be better.

If I see something I don't want to see that is fine I will deal with it but I would rather know than to live in a dream world.

Yoyo you are not crazy at all so be rid of that thought.

BB, thanks buddy I am glad you understand my need to do what I did. No I do not intend to make it habit and if I got caught well I guess I will deal with that, but at the same time it would just look like I have turned up for a coffee or whatever. I will not be doing it alot I can guarantee that.....

H just called in for coffee at my work and has said he is still coming for tea but that he might have to stay the night as his alternator is playing up and the lights at night drain too much power. He has now gone to see if he can get an alternator so I don't know if he will stay or not, which is fine with me either way.

Oh well till my next update.....KDU

[KimDownUnder]

Sorry Jaylyn I forgot to acknowledge you. Thanks for dropping by my thread as I have done the same over your way. Yes it is hard to take the plunge as you do worry about getting hurt but i think when your PMA is in the right spot you are better equiped to handle it as you have a strength that you didn't have before.

Thanks for the compliment about taking lessons, but I think the greatest lesson are from reading everyones situations on these threads and seeing the mistakes and the reaction people get. I am no teacher trust me on that as I have yoyoed about a bit and done alot of things wrong but I do feel I have got alot stronger, so it all comes in time.......KDU

[kismet]

Hey Kim, I am just picturing you sneaking up on H's house in the dark. Lol Is it normal ~ not sure. Would I do it~ you bet. If I were in your shoes, I think I would even consider hiring a private investigator to make sure he wasn't spouting any more BS I have serious doubts about my sneaking up abilities.

Its all good. Keep it up.

[still_hopeful]

Hi KDU!

Wow, a lot is going on and you are handling yourself very very well.
Of course trust is going to be an issue. H betrayed you. I think that you are right to try to stay guarded right now because this does make you vulnerable again.
I am going to urge you though to NOT act out on those suspicions. H is being pretty forward with you and you know enough now to know that if he isn't you will pick up on it. So when you get these thoughts...use that strength you have and DO NOT go spy or start texting a bunch to check on him. This is going to be hard. This is where you need to work on stopping the thoughts. If H catches you, it will not be for the better. He needs to feel safe and rewarded for being honest with you. Be strong here Kim. I know how hard it is, I think we all do. But somehow find it within yourself to not do it. I think you are afraid if he doesn't walk the talk you will miss it. You won't. You'll catch it. So right now, just tell yourself when you have these thoughts of wondering what he's up to, that he is making progress, he is starting to walk the walk, and he will still be vulnerable to OW some. You just have to be solid and confident and careful to not let suspicions lead your actions.
Suspicions just because you haven't heard from him. This is where you have to act as if. Not just act it but think it. The time will come when he will need to sever ties and really prove to you in action. But right now, you are just at the first infancy stage of reconciliation, so just tread cautiously here.
And...don't bring up OW!!!!! When you do that, you are inviting him to think about her. If he is ending an A, he's thinking about her enough as it is. You want him to think about you. Let him bring her up.
I have to admit, I have done the sitting in the parking lot to check up thing. It never led to anything good and I did not feel good about it, and once you do it once, it is easier to do again. Don't get in this habit, you will get caught. Be strong. H is taking positive steps. So keep reminding yourself, and if you are tempted to spy, come here instead. Ask us if we think it's worth spying or not. Because if you get tempted to spy just cuz he didn't reply to a text, the temptation is going to come often. And I know, because I have done it.
We love you Kim, and you are doing great! Now keep up your GAL and keep us all informed as we love hearing this progress...you deserve it!

[anna123]

KDU - Every day I await your update with baited breath. You are doing so well. You aren't wrong to withhold absolute trust, but maybe start by acting "as-if" you trust him and that will start the foundation. Give him the opportunity to earn your trust. And no, hope is never dumb. If it was none of us would be here!

[KimDownUnder]

Thanks SH and Kismet.

Update.....

Well H came back to the house on Tuesday night and had fixed his Alternator so car was all O.K. again. He mowed the front lawn for me whilst I cooked tea and did washing. He then went out the back and burnt off some tree branches as well. We had tea, had a game of pool and a drink together down in the back room. He then asked me to give him a massage, which I did and we then put S9 to bed. We started watching a DVD and I was rubbing H's head and he fell asleep. After about 15mins I woke him up and he said he was tired and was going to bed. We went to bed and H was asleep within 10mins.

The next morning we all had showers and got ready for school and work and he was constantly asking if he could help me. I said No not really we have a pretty good routine but you could hang out the washing I did earlier this morning. Which he did. We then both went off to work as he was working for me.

It was a nice night and felt pretty much like old times. There was a little bit of feeling uncomfortable as neither of us wanted to just persume anything but all in all a good night.

After work he came back home and got all his gear together and went to gym as he was going home to stay as I had volleyball.

I rang him when I got home and he was on the phone, so I rang back a bit later and he said OW had rung him to say hello. I asked how she seemed and he said pretty good, I then moved on to other topics and let it go (which was hard but I am listening to what you are saying SH).

Anyhow this morning he is working for us again and we were having a coffee and he said that he told OW that he was trying to work things out with me and that we were trying to piece things back together. Apparently she took it rather well and then another worker turned up and he said he would tell me more tonight. He said he had clothes in the car and did I want to go to gym with him.

So it looks like we are doing that tonight. He seems to be slowly doing what I need him to do, so I guess he is starting to walk the walk.

I tell you this is not easy as in my mind I often think about OW, like has she rung, or will she just drop in when he is at his van etc etc but I am not voicing it just fretting about it in my own head. I must admit for him to say he has told her is a big relief as I was starting to think if he hadn't told her, then he could still be keeping his options open and that his heart wasn't truly in it if he wasn't honest about what he is doing but he has fixed that now so I can try and calm down a bit over that.

It is obviously going to be a lot harder than even I expected as you do wonder alot. I guess in time if things keep going well that will slowly diminish. It is still early days and I even though I have thoughts that turn into doubts in my mind I must admit I am glad I don't voice them as he keeps surprising me with what he does. Like telling OW about us....

I guess I just keep taking it one day at a time and its funny b/c a few months ago I would have just jumped straight back into our R, expecting it to go back to the same comfortable thing and now through all this DBing I realise that is impossible and unrealistic, it is a new beginning and who knows how it will work out but it is just one day at a time at the moment. I still have mixed feelings and I guess that is b/c I don't wish to be hurt again, but you know what I don't think I will go back to square one even if it doesn't work b/c I feel so much stronger now than I did a while ago. Fingers crossed and I will keep updating.

I am not ready to go to the piecing thread yet as I am not prepared to drift from all you wonderful people yet as you are truly what has helped me get through all this so far and your words of advice and encouragement mean alot to me. I also don't know what will happen yet as it is far too early to tell so maybe if it is all going well in a month I will think about posting over there but not yet.....Till next update......KDU