KDU - Personally, I think this all sounds marvelous!! Just keep your head straight and focused...I will keep thinking positive thoughts. I am very happy to see him coming around. I'll be hoping for the best for you both.
I am so happy for you. It really looks as if things are going in the right direction....Yeah! I am so glad to hear when things start looking up. It looks like a reconcilation is in the process with you and your hubby. You are a strong person and you are doing such a great job. I wish all the luck to you. Stay sweet!
This is great if you are getting what you truly want. All I can do is echo what our friend from Chicago said to you. Beth couldn't have put it better so I'll leave it at that.
Keep your head on a swivel and your eyes always open.
Hi guys and thanks for the encouragement and words of caution, I do listen to you all. BB yes, I hear you when you say dare you ask.....
Update...... Friday night H came over and him S9 and myself all had tea together and went to the Video store and got a DVD and S9 a X-Box game. My other two children were staying at their nan's as usual for a Friday night...Anyhow H and I realised that "Australia V's Ireland" footy match was on T.V. it was the 1st test. (This is a match we play once a year once our AFL has finished it's season). We both watched this instead of our DVD and it was a great match as Australia won quite convincingly.
We had a cup of tea and then went to bed. and yes we did.....Next morning I started my housework H went for a shower, made coffee and read the paper and then said he needed to go to the shops and did I want to come. I said "No I will continue with my housework and go down later but that he should go and I will watch S9" (He was taking S9 home for the night). So he did this and came back and we then watched our DVD. I had my father and his family coming for tea that night and told H he was welcome to stay for tea but it might be a bit soon and I understood if he would prefer not to. H said "Yeah I think I will give it a miss this time. I said "That's fine but I need to be rude and get you moving as I have to shop for dinner and then cook it". H took that O.K. and got moving. Saturday night had dinner with Dad & Co which was all good.
Sunday I was doing some trimming of the bushes and pottering around and then about 1.00pm texted H to see what time he was coming back with S9 and he texted back that his car wasn't going. Thru alot of texting I ended up going and buying a new battery that he paid me back for and taking it down to him.
Now it gets a bit funny.....Thursday night when H and I went out OW was texting nasty messages all night to him which I am sure I posted last week but he showed me them all and that was fine. Nothing from her Friday and then H tells me Sunday that he saw her the night before. I said "How when you had S9? He said she dropped in here and I spoke to her outside for 5 or 10 mins. I said "O.K. and what happened" He said "She told him she had resigned from work b/c she wouldn't need work in a couple of weeks as she wouldn't be around anymore" H asked her what she meant by that and she told him not to worry about that and that she just had to do what she had to do. This bothered H as he said she was more or less saying that she was going to committ suicide and he was worried. I told him that I knew that was a concern to him but that I didn't see he could really do alot. I mentioned that most people who talk about it don't do it although there is no guarantee's. H said apparently she attempted it when she was 13. I then said "Look she obviously had serious issues back then and still has today, if she has tried it before it is not your fault. All you can do is ring her friend and her son (who is 21) and tell them your concerns but also say that you are going to keep your distance as you do not want to give her false hope or the wrong idea. H said he had told her son that and I said I didn't see what more he could do and that by showing concern to her was only making it worse for her b/c it shows that you care and she may read more into that.
H was really frustrated and said he didn't know what to do and he felt very guilty about how she was feeling and would feel awful if something happened to her. I said I understood this but if he couldn't keep away from her, then we may have a problem.
H took this to mean that I wanted to end it and got all upset and bothered. I calmed him down and we went for a walk and he basically said to me that he felt awful and that he didn't want to lose me and could understand why I would have doubts but that he was going to avoid speaking to her if at all possible but that he didn't want to make a promise that might get broken, which would make me more upset. H also said he didn't have to tell me about her coming over but he felt that if he was honest it would be better and would show that he wasn't hiding anything. I said I appreciated that and I understood how difficult it was for him and that lets just take it a day at a time and see what she does next.
H did say he hoped she did nothing as this was all doing his head in. I again said I understood and left it at that b/c he was very distressed. He did text me later to say goodnight and that he had no more news which was good.
So that's my update. You can all see why I have been and still am very cautious about all this. Even though he is starting to walk the walk I can see OW is not going to make this easy and will manipulate as best she can to win. If she does get him to weaken or doubt his decision then I will have to accept that and realise that he will never be strong enough for our R b/c the moment she weakens him if she does I am out of it for good, I believe H knows this and I truly think it bothers him alot as he keeps saying he doesn't want me to walk away. I guess we just have to wait and see what happens day by day and how he reacts to whatever she throws his way. It is very unsettling though, and I did say that to H as I said to him it is her that has been in the background for so long and somehow she always manages to not let us give our M 100%. I said that until she was completely out of the picture, we wouldn't be able to get back on track. H said he realised that and to take it easy for the next week and see what she does. He said nothing would change with us but for me to just relax and see.
So I guess that's what I do.....Bring it on give me all your thoughts am I doing this wrong, am I being too trusting, is it a waste of time, who knows. I think I just have to keep taking each day as it comes. It has been going O.K. and he seems to be honest, I guess patience on my part and understanding and that's what I am trying to do without losing my boundaries either....sigh.....KDU
I know how you just wish it would all end and that things would start getting back to some sort of normalness (is that a word?) in your life.
Her vague comment to him regarding 'doing what she needs to do' is more of a desperate cry for attention from him then anything....I'm sure you know this though.
Im still rooting for ya!!!!!! wishing you the best!!!!!
KDU: I think you are doing great so far. I ask myself the same questions...am I being too trusting, is it a waste of time. I think if we didn't ask ourselves these questions then we would be going into this blind. We have been through hell and back and have learned a lot about ourselves and our H's.
As I have told my H, this is the very last time I will go through this, and he knows that.
I think I just have to keep taking each day as it comes. It has been going O.K. and he seems to be honest, I guess patience on my part and understanding and that's what I am trying to do without losing my boundaries either.
The same goes in my sitch. I am so very cautious this time around. I'm not so much in the pursuit role right now, I let him come to me. However, I know there will come a time when I need to show H more affection (this was lacking during our M), but I'm kinda scared to right now.
Keep up the good work!!
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Hey KDU...just a few words of encouragement here. It sounds really good for you, and I know you don't want to get your hopes too high. But let yourself believe it, just a bit. Your H seems to be doing everything he can to be transparent, to let you know every contact with OW, and to show you everthing he can so you don't have to wonder.
That said, neither you nor he can control how OW will behave, and right now she is going to try everything in her power to stop your reconciliation. Don't let her do it! IF your relationship fails, let it be solely on you and H. Don't let it fail because she gets to you and you start reacting to her bullsh!t. Not that I think you will fail...but you get my point here - it's very hard I know but if she sees she can't get to your H, she will next try to get you to leave him, and then she can move in and pick up the pieces. (I know I made OW happy when I left town. Life lesson - NEVER do anything that will make an OW happy! )
Hang in there, this may be a tough time, but don't forget your goal!
Hey Kim, what can I say: OW sounds like a major space cadet! I agree with VJ, don't let her craziness and manipulation get to you. This is the time for H to see how calm, centred and sane you are
Bring it on give me all your thoughts am I doing this wrong, am I being too trusting, is it a waste of time, who knows
IMHO, you are doing everything right. Hang in there
This trusting thing is going to be very hard. I can tell you all about it but I wouldn't tell H anywhere near what I am going to tell all of you.
Yesterday H played golf in a Corporate Comp, which I believe would have done him the world of good. Away from everyone and everything and just a day out with people he doesn't really know to play golf, which he loves. He has been having some car trouble so I texted him after work and just asked how his day went and was he home yet. I got no reply this was about 6pm.
I did my kids dinner and at 7.15pm I texted again and just put I hope you are O.K. and not stranded with your car. I still got nothing.
This made me very suspicious and I wondered if OW was over there or visa versa so I decided to check it out for myself, so I would know. As I said this trust issue is difficult.
So I drove over there and parked my car out of sight and walked to his place, his car was there, all the lights were on, T.V. was on and so I just listened quietly for about 5 mins. I could hear him moving around but no voices, and her car wasn't anywhere.
I then went back to my car and rang him from my mobile. He answered on the first ring. Convo went like this...... H: Hello M: Hello you answered that quick H: Yeah b/c I was just replying to your text, when it rang M: Oh O.K. it took you long enough to reply, I was just getting concerned you may have been stuck somewhere and unable to get home. H: No nothing like that, I got home took a shower, cooked some tea and then I saw my message and I was just about to reply. M: That's fine as I said I was just making sure you weren't stranded somewhere. How did your golf day go. H: Fabulous it was a great day. M: Oh good, I think it would have done you the world of good. H: Yeah I think it did. M: So any calls today H: Yes, Kim she rang today M: Oh O.K., it doesn't really surprise me H: She rang to tell me that the boss wouldn't accept her resignation and that people at work were giving her a hard time about leaving. That was pretty much all she rang for. M: Oh and did she sound better H" Yes she did M: Does that give you some relief H: Yes it does, and if she stays like that for the next few days I will feel alot better. M: Yes I imagine you will. Look I better go as I am on my mobile and it gets expensive. H: Yeah alright, I will call in and have coffee with you at work tomorrow and I will come over tomorrow night, if that's O.K. with you. M: Yeah that should be fine, why don't you come for dinner. H: Well I wont say no to that M: O.K. I will see you tomorrow H: Yep, I am stuffed and I am going to bed real soon, so I wont text you goodnight tonight. M: No problem, sleep well H: Yep you too.
So that was that. He has no idea I was there and checking up on him and I don't intend for him to find out but it did make me feel better. That is the first time I have checked up on him but I don't know if it will be the last.
Am I wrong for doing that, I sort of feel it is a bit but trust is something that gets earnt and he broke it badly so it has to be built up again, or at least that is how I feel. Had I gone there and OW was there, I would have still gone back to my car and rang like I did, and acted as though I knew nothing and seen what he said. If he wasn't talking properly I would have said have you got a visitor and if he said yes, I would have said send me a text when she has gone. Had he not told me, I would have left it till later and then told him it was over, but this didn't happen so I guess I don't have to worry about it do I.
Tell me what you all think, is this a normal thing to do considering what has happened or am I way to suspicious. Any advice will be appreciated, I don't know why I feel guilty for doing this, maybe b/c it is not in my nature normally......
Anyhow one day at a time, will be waiting for your opinions on this.....Thanks.....KDU
and yes we did.....Next morning I started my housework H went for a shower, made coffee and read the paper and then said he needed to go to the shops and did I want to come. I said "No I will continue with my housework and go down later but that he should go and I will watch S9" (He was taking S9 home for the night). So he did this and came back and we then watched our DVD. I had my father and his family coming for tea that night and told H he was welcome to stay for tea but it might be a bit soon and I understood if he would prefer not to. H said "Yeah I think I will give it a miss this time. I said "That's fine but I need to be rude and get you moving as I have to shop for dinner and then cook it". H took that O.K. and got moving.
