Sorry...it's been a while since I have been reading/posting. Just found your new thread. What can I say? Everyone has said it all (as always). The wisdom and support here is amazing.
As I read this all I kept thinking: Yes, that's exactly it. Yes, I want to respond to that. Yes, I understand where you are coming from. There is too much to comment on.
Simply said, I think you have handled yourself extremely well. It's all about grace under pressure. You've got it, baby.
I really identify with your post regarding your S. I am facing a similar thing with my D7. You know, it's really fine if they (WAS) want to play headgames with us. We are grown. Painful as it is...we will make it. But WTF? Can they not see the looks on the face of their children. OMG.... I totally can't even begin to comprehend that.
Lisa and Jaylyn - Thanks guys for your lovely words, it helps me keep focused...
Update: H took S last night and it felt very uncomfortable whilst H was there. He didn't know where to look and I wasn't going to make conversation. H said he would drop S's stuff off at my work in the morning and I said "No worries".
H came to my work this morning to drop off S's gear and was chatty about nothing really just a show he had watched last night on T.V. I listened and made the occasional, "yeah or really" but nothing much else. He then asked what I was up to tonight and I said I was going out for dinner with a group of people and we weren't sure whether we were going out afterwards or if we would all just go back to my place and have a few drinks and play pool. H said "Oh well have a good time" and I said "Thanks I intend to". He then said he was going to the gym on Sunday morning and would I like him to pick me up" (WTF) I said "Tony I don't think that is a great idea, you are the one who wants distance and to keep it simple, so there is no need to pick me up". H said "Oh - well I will ring you later and let you think about it" I said "Truly there is no need" and H said "No I will ring you later". We then said goodbye and that was that.
H rang a little while ago to say that he had spoken to his BIL's brother about jobs that may be going on the Wharfs soon. This had been discussed when we were at BIL's funeral last month. Apparently they are starting interviews next month for P&O Cruises so this guy is going to give him a call. Apparently for 2 days work you gross about $1000. I said to H well that's good, I hope it works out for you. H said we will have to wait and see I guess and I said "Yep that's all you can do - I will keep my fingers crossed for you as I know you want to do it".
H then said "Now what about the gym on Sunday" I said "Tony I explained that earlier and I am not going to go with you as it is not a good idea at the moment". H said "Well if you are sure" and I said "Tone that is what you have said you want, I am just making it easier for you to stick by what you have said" He then said "Look Kim I don't know what I am doing from one day to the next, my mind changes every day, I am going to try and write you a letter and try and explain everything to you and hopefully you will understand things better". I said "that is a good idea if you think it will help" H said "I think so but you know how bad I am at writing so it is going to be very hard to do as I have never written a letter before but I am going to try" I said "Well good luck with it and I will speak more once you give it to me" H said he had to get going and I said "O.K. well I will see you next week when you pick up S and if you get the letter written before then just drop it in my mailbox". H said "O.K. we will leave it at that for the moment" I said "Yep no worries". We then said our goodbyes.
He is so mixed up in his own head but it is his problem to deal with I cannot work it out for him. I could easily have gone with him to the gym but then we would just fall into that pattern of doing things and him just knowing I was there when he needed me. I think it is time for him to be completely on his own and I need to keep detaching and knocking him back on things so he can see what it is like without me in his life. I will be pleasant but distant when I have contact with him. If he realises he doesn't like things like this well then he will have to do some re-evaluating and if he doesn't well I can't change that either.
I know it sounds like I have given up and I guess in a way I have but if he acted the right way and really pursued me well I might change my mind but I won't hold my breath or I could turn blue before he works himself out.
So I am off tonight for dinner at an Indian Restaurant with 5 friends which will be yummy and I am sure will be a great night.
All of you have a fabulous weekend and I will check in on you all on Monday....
BB and the DBer's that he is meeting, I want a full report Monday please and I hope you all have a great time. DBer's look after my dear friend BB he needs to relax and forget things for a little which I am sure you can do for him......KDU
I agree Horselover. Kim, you are going to have to get the "DB Goddess" t-shirt printed. Personally I will be going for the "DB Goddess In Training" one
Those last 2 interactions with your H went really well. You kept your cool. You didn't get sucked into H's craziness. The boy sure does not know what he wants. You created boundaries. Great work. (esp. love the bit about pop the letter in the mailbox )
Hope you enjoy your night out tonight. Yum, Indian!Have a great weekend!
Thanks Kismet but I have learned from experience that I am no DB Goddess, not yet, I will leave that to SH and OCKim and Dodger and NYS, I am with you though maybe "DB GODDESS (In Training....)....
Thanks yes I will enjoy my Indian Dinner been too long since I have had it must be about 6 - 8 months....Hey what drink is Indian that is Alcoholic, usually just take a bottle of Red but might lash out...any idea's.....KDU
hey KDU - I must say you are doing extremely well and making your H flounder a bit! Just by backing off a little from the situation like you have has caused him to change his tune again. But I'm sure by now with all the back and forth you could have predicted this - I almost want to say that you did in an earlier post.
So you at least know the pattern of the madness to it all - if only there were a way to break it. Just keep doing what your doing, keep your PMA up, stay firm (with yourself as well) I know how hard that can be.
Hellkat - thanks and it keeps going on wait for this next update......
I have just done the biggest post of my life and I lost it, so I am not going through all this again so this is a very short version and if I can be bothered later I will elaborate.....
H nagged me to go to the gym with him on Sunday as he had finished his letter and wanted me to read it over breakfast after the gym. So I did.
His letter more or less said he was scared, confused and had to work out what he wanted blah blah blah, it was 3 pages long but made nothing any clearer.....
I told him this and we got into a really good discussion about everything right down to money and guilt and OW and I told him my side of everything and H seemed to have some penny drop and then said OH hell what am I doing.
I said I didn't know and he told me that OW has blackmailed him where work is concerned and one of her friends told him that she will probably committ suicide if he screws her around again.
So H is feeling worried and awful. I just said well you need to make some choices but guilt has just got to go. 9 months of not knowing what you want is long enough, it is time to make a decision as I am moving on with my life.
He went on about how he can't bear for me not to be in his life and I said well you need to ask yourself why that is b/c I am now ready to not have you in my life. I have not closed the door completely but I am ready to kick it shut, once I have moved on.
H then said could I just wait for a week and I said, Look I am not changing anything that quick so sort yourself out but don't ring me or contact me, stay away, clear your head and see what you want....
So H rang me about 3 times yesterday just going over and over things and I just kept strong and didn't weaken, I have never heard him sound so desperate and I did say to him that I felt for him and how hard this must be for him but that I couldn't really help him anymore he had to assess everything for himself. I said to see who he wanted to grow old with, who did he feel more comfortable, who could he talk to yadda yadda all that stuff and I even tried to push him abit towards OW which he resisited.
So now he is mulling it all over, so we are not off this rollercoaster just yet but I am not waiting for him. 9 months is long enough, he has me in his life or not and I am fine with it either way. I said it could always change down the track but you know what, I think this is the first time H really believes that I am going to move on and he is right, it probably is the first time I have meant it and he is panicking but I said that we may find we never want to be together again or we may decide in 6 months to try again that nobody knew what the future held, so we had to make the best decisions we could and see what happened.
So there you have it, some may say I gave him an ultimatum (however you spell it) but I didn't he sort of gave it to himself and you know what I am fine if he doesn't come back b/c it will be alot of hard work sorting us out.
Anyway we will see what happens now, gosh it is a long hard road....KDU
Wow, Kim. Just...wow. You are really showing the strength you have been building over these nine months. But you're not being unnecessarily harsh, either. You are where I need to be right now. I admire the guts it took to say what you needed to, and to get your head where you needed it to be. However this ends, your kids are going to see how a grown up handles a problem. A really big problem. And they're going to be so much better for having you in their lives.
You've become a force, KDU. Nice work.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
You are where I need to be right now. I admire the guts it took to say what you needed to, and to get your head where you needed it to be.
Thanks BB but it has taken a long time to get here and I have no idea how it is going to turn out but I do know I am alot stronger and able to cope either way. I just know for me, he needed to see that he had fault to b/c if he couldn't see that then there really was no hope and you know what I think he saw it for the first time since the bomb.
I said my piece, but I did validate him and I still detached b/c he was trying to get me to help him make his decision about me or the OW and I said I wouldn't help him as that was his own decision. I could only suggest he looks at both people and alot of scenarios with both and see who pulls on his heartstrings the most.
I told him I didn't want to give him too much advice as I didn't want it to seem that Iwas manipulating the sitch or feathering my own nest, I was just trying to get him to see it from OW's side, my side and his own side. He realised this. I did say to him that maybe he should just go with OW and he said he knew if he did that this time I was gone for good and he had some thinking to do b/c he didn't know if he could handle that and after some of the things I had said, he now realised things were not as he thought they were. That I had opened his eyes to a few things.
So I don't know if this is good or bad but I am comfortable with all that I have said and I said it was best if we didn't speak until he works for us on Thursday, lets see if he can stick to it??????
You will get there BB it takes times and many ups and downs a long the way...>KDU
KDU... You really have your head together right now and are doing a great job at being objective and detached and realizing that no matter what goes down, you are going to be OK. I am so very very proud of you!!! I am sure there will be more ups and downs, but I see with you they are getting less and you are definitely building up strength and character. I am so happy to see how far you have come through this. You can hold your head high.
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