H is too confusing for words

[hellkat]

KDU - I'm so sorry he did this to you again, I was hoping things would have been different this time and I know you do too.

Am I doing everything the wrong way? Am I controlling without even knowing it.

It's not you, it's not anything your doing or not doing, its not anything your saying or not saying..........it's all about him and he's too confused to STILL figure out what he wants, he gets cold feet at every turn.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but I dont, I only know how frustrated you must feel. Maybe now would be a good time to detach a bit, not be so accessable to H for a while?

Again, Im so sorry.

[kaydeekay]

KDU: I'm so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. It's all H's issues. The only thing I would suggest is to detach yourself from him for awhile. I know you're hurting right now and I wish I was able to give you actual (((((hugs))))

[wannabestrong]

(((KDU)))

You know it is him! Please don't blame yourself. You have been so brave and such a good example to follow...

I really think hellkat is right. Three steps forwrad, two steps back. Today I want this, the next day, he is scared he has made a mistake... The aliens rule.

But you know, I think that your guts were right. You detached and H came back surely and steadily... You saw it, but I don't think H really realised what he was doing. I think he was following the WAS rule of "doing what feels good and not thinking". And ANY encouragement or questions from our side - NO MATTER HOW VALID - made him think about what he was doing... and he got scared and ran away.

I think this rule should be set in stone: Detach and the WAS will follow.

My prediction: He will be back... and this time you will be even more ready...

Wannabestrong

[Burgbud]

{{{{{!KDU!}}}}}

Your friendship is very very important to me but I don't think I feel anything else.

Hey doll. If you've read my thread from this morning, or if you're going to later, you'll see I'm right there with you. It really sucks when you put so much effort into something, not even knowing if it's possible for your effort to be rewarded. And when it looks like there will be no reward all that effort seems like a waste of time.

But I don't think it was a waste. The problem with the reward we're seeking is that part of it depends on another person, and we've learned a dear lesson, which is that we don't control that other person. We can't make a good decision for them, we can't even hardly help them to make the decision. But you have remained steadfast and made so much effort in the face of adversity. Many would have folded up their tent and run a long time ago. So this is the part that says something just about *you*, and what kind of person you are. No one can take this away from you. You haven't been wrong, or dumb, or fooled. You have been great. You are great and your life will be great again, even if you have to pick up the broken pieces of your heart and start letting it mend.


Oh god I have had enough, he has upset me again and put me back to square one and I am gonna have a real hard time forgiving his sorry @rse for this one.

I hear ya. Maybe we've just got to well and truly let them go right now. We can leave the door open, but I guess we've got to stop watching that door to see if they're coming in or not. Maybe they've gotta stay in the house for a week before we'll believe they're back. In the meantime we'll start healing our hearts and getting on with our lives. I'm sure we'll look over our shoulders sometimes and think about the life we wish we'd had; the life we feel we could have had. But we're gonna quit looking over our shoulders to see if the WAS is following.

BTW, I checked on airfare to Australia the other day. They want $2000 to get me there! So I'm going to start saving my pennies. And using them to buy lottery tickets. Wish me luck!

[kismet]

(((((Kim))))) ~ I am so sorry. Just wanted to repeat all of the wise words of wisdom from everyone else. You have done nothing wrong. It is all about him, and the only pressure is coming from the alien thoughts that are buzzing around in his brain.

I know you feel like you are back to square one. I think this is pretty much typical with mlcers. They reach out, they get scared, they withdraw. Meanwhile, we are expected to wait and DB our hearts out.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Do what you have to do to get through. Allow yourself sometime to just be mad,sad, whatever. Let it all out honey. We are all here to listen ((((Kim))))

[KimDownUnder]

My gorgeous gorgeous friends thank you so much, I really appreciate your words and it was so nice to look on my thread this morning and see so many people thinking of me and I know that you all do know how I feel, it was a very nice feeling so thankyou each and every one of you.

BB you are a beautiful person and don't let your sitch allow you to think anything else. Everytime I go down you are there with wonderful words and somehow you manage to bring a smile to my face every time so "God Love You".
I tell you what if I win the Lottery here I will pay for your ticket so fingers crossed for both of us.

H rang last night and said he really wants to talk to me and that he is so confused.(Poor thing - Ha)I said I wasn't going to waste my time and he said he would call into my work today and speak to me.

I don't know what game he is playing at but I really do not want to play. I will hear what he has to say but I am not going to argue and I will probably send him away and say something like, don't bother coming back to me until it is 100% in your heart to do so, I don't want any more games, I am just going to get on with my life as this is your problem and not mine....Or something like that.....

You are all correct I was doing a good job of detaching and I will continue to do it again but ya know each time he does this it really feels like a bit of my love crumbles away, so I guess eventually he will break every bit of it and there will be nothing left, I guess when that day comes I will have truly moved on, we will see.

I will update later after he has been here and let you all know what was so important that he had to speak to me in person. (I wonder if OW is hanging around again as this behaviour is so like when he was seeing her)...Oh well till later.....KDU

[kml]

when we had breakfast I did say to him, this does mean that you wont be sleeping with anyone else whilst we are seeing what is happening with us. He said I can't make that promise (WTF) and I said well the other day you said you wouldn't be seeing anyone else and if you can't make that promise to me then it means you are not truly trying to see if we can work it out which is fine but I will stop it all now if you can't guarantee me that. He said O.K. I see what your saying so I can promise that for now and I said O.K. that's all I am asking

Yeah, I'm guessing this was a promise he really wasn't ready to make - so he weenied out on you rather than admit he couldn't do this yet - but now he's freaking that you seem so ready to move on.

Remind me - has he had any chance yet to get jealous? To think you were dating or that he might have some competition? Sometimes giving that appearance is all it takes for his "feelings" to come rushing back and for him to fall on your side of the fence.

Ellie

[KimDownUnder]

kml - Yes he always makes remarks about myself and my male friend Jarrod. I told him once months ago that he was still just a friend but I think H has his doubts especially when the kids say that Jarrod was around or that Mum went out with Jarrod. So I think he does wonder about it......

Well H came to my office and just said that my friendship was the most important thing to him but that he doesn't want anything more than that. I said "Fine but I don't know why you had to say that in person as you had said that yesterday" H had nothing to say.

I ended up saying more than I probably should have which was, Look I accept what you are saying but I am very disappointed in you as I have not persued you at all for weeks, you have done all the contacting as I was starting to make a life for myself, then you spoke last week and said you wanted to try and work things out. I never asked you to do that you are the one that bought that up and then 5 days later you change your mind again. After 12 years I deserve to be treated better than that by you. You say you really want my friendship but I don't think that is possible at the moment as friends do not treat people the way you have. We may only have ended up with friendship in the end but that is something we will never know b/c you pulled the pin. We would have needed to have gone out for quite a few weeks to have been able to even judge whether we had a future together and in what capacity but you didn't give it a chance. Well now I am through, i am going to get on with my life as the person you have turned into is not someone I want as a friend, whatever happens in the future happens and if we become friends that is a bonus but that is not something I am comfortable with at the moment.

H said he understood everything I was saying and I said good then we have nothing further to discuss and I need to get back to my work. H said he was sorry and I just said you should be.......

H went to his car and drove off very subdued and very slowly. He actually had tears in his eyes. I can tell he is confused but that doesn't help me or him. I feel sorry for him but I feel sorry for me too. So as I cannot control his actions or feelings I need to do what is right for me and that was saying how I felt and then leaving it and moving on. It will be difficult but not as hard as other times, I am sad and disappointed but I think I knew deep inside this would happen so maybe it's not such a shock...

So there you have it that's the latest, I will have to think about some goals and start implementing them.......Life wasn't meant to be easy hey but I didn't think it was meant to be this hard either.(sigh)....KDU

[kismet]

Kim, I think that you are handling a difficult situation with your head in the right place. Yes it is sad that H feels how he does, but you need to look after you. Hopefully he will sort himself out before too long.

Start making those goals girl! And aim for the stars. Don't shortchange yourself

[WindyCityBeth]

KDU -

Hang in there! I think the rollercoaster just took off again! But it is good for you to step back. You can't allow yourself to get sucked into his chaos. He will emerge from his confusion at some point. The big question is will you still be there when he does? Keep working on you. You can't control him. Hopefully he'll wake up before it's too late!

WCB