GAL Work & Friendship3

[Underdog]

Hi Gabe,

I know it's been awhile since I posted to you, but I do visit your thread frequently.

With all due respect, Bruce, I know it might not make sense to you in the Catholic sense, which I think is where our friend here is struggling. I would know, because I'm knee deep in a spiritual struggle myself.

Gabe, I know it feels like you need a break from your intense DBing efforts and feelings. But if I may provoke you further, I think this is an excellent time to wallow in them. It's nearly holiday time, and if you're anything like me, they have a tendency to be overwhelmingly busy and leave me little time to think about the important things. I'm finding myself overwhelmed right not by the myriad feelings that seem to be taking over my body and soul. For whatever reason, I think it's a better time to manage them and process than waiting for the eruption at Christmas.

Have you thought about the differentiation between faith and hope? Think about what those mean to you, okay?

Like you, I'm a practicing and believing Catholic. I married in the church and divorced legally. I consider the divorce Mr. Wonderful's D. But the annulment is something I consider MY D. And I'm really, REALLY struggling with it. I've finished all the paperwork and corraled the witnesses. I met with Fr. Bob last night to get his signature on all of it, and I was completely flabbergasted when I broke down and sobbed. (With my kids present.)

He gently pushed the papers aside, sat back in his chair comfortably, clasped his hands and asked me to talk with him.

Gabe, I know I'm not alone in this struggle. As I managed to speak through all the tears and gulps I told him that this whole experience has been a big mistake. He asked me if I meant the annulment process or the marriage itself? I told him the divorce. (You can imagine my horror as I really thought I had processed and accepted this.)

I posed a statement that was sort of a question: If we embark on this annulment process, the church is going to make a ruling on the fact that the sacramental bond was never present. And I honestly believe it was. At least for me.

That's when Fr. Bob looked at me kindly and said, "Well, you do realize that a sacramental bond involves 2 people. And he has to honor that bond--not just you. Otherwise the bond was never present."

We chatted some more. Then he asked me what I pray for now. A light bulb moment for sure, as I answered, "The last few years of my marriage, I asked God to bring me a man who loved me. And I got a divorce."

Father sat there calmly, not moving. And as I looked in his eyes as my daughters sat there completely still, I realized that there just might be divine intervention at work after all. I pulled the papers back in front of Fr. Bob and said, "I think I just got my answers."

When we finished, he looked up at me with a very sober expression and said he noticed that Mr. Wonderful had listed me as the petitioner for his divorce. I told him that it was something that I still felt angry about and was working on forgiving him for that. He reminded me that it was the work of a passive-aggressive man who needs to heal, and perhaps this outcome really is what is best for me? I nodded.

As he held the door open for us when leaving, he folded his arms with a smile and said, "Betsey, please do something really nice for yourself this week, okay? That's an order."

So, Gabe, perhaps spiritually you are grieving for what you intended: a lifetime married to the mother of your son. A commitment to her as a man loves his wife. But if her intent was anything other than yours (and it sure seems as though this is as true for you as it is for me), there is no spiritual marriage between the 2 of you.

Can you find peace in your faith that your Lord will deliver you from the pain of loving someone who does not appear to love herself?

(((((((((((Gabriel)))))))))))

In the end, every day take comfort knowing you are loved. Truly. There are lots of folks out there who believe in you as a man and a human being. Cherish them. God loves you too.

Big hugs, friend.

Betsey