I often feel rudderless, as I did today. When I do feel this way, I try to sit still in the sitch, and keep some semblance of self-care going, hoping that the fog will clear in a bit, and allow me to see a better direction. You DBers are wonderful lighthouses for such fog.
Journaling
When XW called to say g'night Sun night, S6 blurted out "No, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of talking to Mom on the phone when I'm with you and talking to you on the phone when I'm with her. I'm sick of our family being apart." I told XW we'd call her back, and I listened to him say more, told him I was sick of it, too, but that it was how it is, and that we'd make the best of it.
Today was a rough day. I felt down - likely the remnants of my cold, fatique regarding taking care of a sick S6, and the ~1yr anniversary of my XW's bomb. Halloween was nice yet bittersweet. Celebrating any holiday in split manner just sort of stinks. S6 and I made the most of it, going over to friends' house for dinner and then trick-or-treating with their son and S6.
This feels like a thick patch of fog. Anyone have a light?
I had a great convo with an in-town DBer yesterday (thanks Lost!), and received a valuable observation: I'm still walking on eggshells at times with XW. This needs to stop. Not that I'm going to try to be an uncaring brute, but just more genuinely myself - trusting that my positive growth and healing will lead to a good place.
XW called to tell me that S6 is not feeling up to swim lessons today. Very considerate of her to let me know, as I have to rearrange work and run over to see his lessons. She's changing!
She also very appropriately asked me about my portion of student loan payment that I forgot to include with todays CS payment. I apologized and thanked her for reminding me.
Things change and things stay the same. Friendliness has continued, but that's about it. XW has apologized more in the past 3 months (4x) than she did in our M (3x total). She now includes salutations and uses my name when greeting or saying goodbye. If it never gets to more than that, at least S6 can overhear/see his parents being civil and less tense around one another.
After a convo with him, I realized in part why S6 likes to see us both at his swim lessons/TBall games, etc... Because that is the only time in his life when he doesn't have to miss one or both of us. He explained to me before "When I'm with you, I miss Mom, and when I'm with Mom, I miss you." So when we're both there, he finally gets the dual focus that he used to enjoy routinely.
S6 was sick this week. He went to school Mon and Tue, then XW left a VM for me in the am on Wed to tell me he was too sick to go in. She was about to take him to work with her when I called and asked her to bring him to the house, as I was willing to stay home with him. It was a sizable event, as she revisited our marital home (on the last day of her R/O against me for that very location). She seemed uncomfortable, and didn't physically enter, but I was merely pleased that she didn't ask me to drive across town to meet her in a parking lot for transfer. S6 was actually pretty healthy - I think he pulled a fast one to avoid going to school by playing on her guilt. Regardless, we had fun together, and I was able to sneak in some work.
The old me was seeping in, irritated that she choose my non-teaching day to insist that he stay home from school - assuming I could afford the time when she had him attend while sicker the day before during her non-teaching day. But yesterday I just let it go, and focused on caring for and loving him well, and leaving her to be as she is.
Roughly, we're talking by phone or in person ~20min to 1hr /day right now. I'm working hard to generalize my GAL work to include being way more relaxed around. I need to care less what she thinks and to just be confident about being me. I think I'll go grayer, and use that time to stay more focused on myself. Maybe I'll create some distance and head to Vegas....
I arrived early for S6's swim lesson, and XW came up to sit next to me and talk. I noticed that she was able to compliment some of the positives going on in my life, and seemed to be freer about sharing things occuring in hers. The convo was much less about S6 and more about her and I as individuals. A few tangents where she went off to make fun of some men in her life (rowdy male neighbors that she's warring with about their noise level). In particular, I noticed that she made fun of their being overweight, and reflected on the many times she picked at my appearance during our M. I'm so much more confident being away from that.
We went over the upcoming holiday schedule, and I assertively insisted that I had S6 on Thanksgiving as per the D agreement, and despite a somewhat soured mood, she overcame that well to discuss other dates. When she called me at home later yesterday eve, her mood soured again when I reminded her that she'd be driving S6 to/from school, as I had stayed home w/him on Wed, and as I had furniture being delivered to my house.
I noticed that she seems to be using silence to see if I'll slip into Mr. Eggshell-Walker regarding receiving what is mine. I must have been so easy to manipulate in the past. I forced myself to just allow things to be - my Thankgiving with S6 is right, her driving him to/from school today is a just trade for my staying home with him on Wed. If she thinks that's unfair or shifts into a pouty mood, that's her choice/stuff, not mine.
Regardless, its stressful - b/c I still care about her, and am worried about screwing up my 'chances' to win her back. I need to keep that rope dropped, stay confident in myself, and stay positive. Less about her, more about me.
Going kayaking again late afternoon after work meetings to look for more dolphin.
Have a good time kayaking. Hope you see more dolphins. That must be very exciting.
I just want you to know, that I look forward to reading your posts. You have such an upbeat attitude about everything, it's very refreshing.
I too want to win my Ex back, but it's more difficult because he won't even talk to me. We have no contact what soever. I just left a mes. to wish him luck on the deer opener, and to have fun. I thought he may return the call, but has not. He is seeing someone, so I'm sure that makes a difference. I pray that at some point he will have a chance to notice the changes I have made. I'm working on myself and GAL, it's very hard. The PMA takes a dive periodically.
Quote: You have such an upbeat attitude about everything, it's very refreshing.
As opposed to me? he he
Ah grasshopper, hope you have a good weekend. Things do sound much better than they did just a month ago and that month was better than the month before. I think it's great the way you set limits and aren't just a yes man. I've never been that great at that. I could use the pointers.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for the compliment, Julie. I feel mired in a a sitch with very low odds, so I add as much positivity as I can to offset the drag of the sitch on my life.
Wes, you're right. Things are getting better, overall. This evening, XW came to the house for the 2nd time, and came inside when I invited her to do so while S6 grabbed some things and finished his dinner.
Her being here was odd, as this is her 'free' weekend, and she called to ask if she could take S6 camping overnight. While here, she noted that her social life consists of hanging out with married couples, but I'm taking this with a grain of salt, as I ran across a few new personal adds from her on the web. Fortunately, these are for men, and they seem to be 'normal' in content.
She did the rounds, peaking her head into rooms, commenting how it was clean and smelled nice, and pointing out some decorations, etc.. that I've added, especially in S6's room. She avoided the master bedroom, but I caught her trying to look out of the corner of her eye. Maybe I should have hung some thong panties on the bedpost?
She indirectly asked if I was dating, and when I said "I have", she asked if I had used an internet ad, and I noted "I have." I didn't ask about her. I kept it as relaxed as I could, but I was a bit grumpy/sleepy after staying out a bit too late Fri night with a buddy and then getting baked on the beach with S6 today. XW looked loose and comfortable. She seems intrigued by this possible "friendliness" b/t us.
XW is not as attractive to me as she was in our M. She's skinnier than I've ever seen her (likely smoking, overexercise?), with very fried hair. But she seems healthier than in months past, and I'm hoping that she's getting a handle on any depression that took hold of her. This reminds me that I need to fight off my own depressive funk with yet more self-care.
We'll see where this leads. At the very least, S6 may get to experience both parents friendly under one roof, if only for brief exchange moments. Much better than in a conflictual manner out in a parking lot.
Quote: At the very least, S6 may get to experience both parents friendly under one roof, if only for brief exchange moments.
This is a big deal. Even civil is a big improvement over conflict. One of the things I've read about helping kids through D is that the greatest predictor of difficulty for children of D is the level of conflict in the D.
If you hadn't started DBing, how would S6 be doing now?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
