My thoughts are that she only started getting more friendly when she moved out.
Perhaps it seems a bit 'final' to her and she's scared? After all, before she was in the marital home (your home), which is part of you, so she never had to let go completely.
Now she's in this new place, the implications of her D may be hitting her. I think she is having a little trouble detaching from you.
Can't post anymore as Andy will be here in a minute.
I think you're right. The D is much more final to me now that I'm in the house again, and she's gone to her condo. It likely has some effect on her as well.
Update This weekend went well, with me enjoying S6 overnight Sun and afterschool on Mon. At transfer, XW invited me to meet them at a sub shop and we had lunch together. She was pleasant but distant. She and I both had head colds, and as I wasn't feeling the best, I imagine she might have had it rough as well. I thanked her for watching S6 on Fri-Sat (even tho she requested those days) noting that I knew it was rough as she was ill. She smiled at this.
A later phone call about a mysterious rash on S6 (me to her following his bathtime) led to her talking about possible ulvarian (sp?) cancer in XW, with me empathizing with her fear, and just listening as well as I could. She shared a bit, and I offered her my support.
At dropoff, S6 complained loudly about having to return to her, proclaiming he didn't like being with her, so I sat him in my knee (in front of her), described his beh as rude, acknowledged that his being transfered back and forth was hard, and told him that his mother and I were trying hard to do our best, but that he couldn't be rude to her. I had him give her a kiss and hug, and apologize. I know I forced him into a caretaking role there, and am not a proponent of that, but I wanted to 'overteach' him some level of respect. In our private convos, his depictions of home life with XW are appropriate, with her doing many more "mom" work that she was doing this summer. She looked crushed when he protested seeing her, but she thanked him softly for his kiss.
Overall, our interactions are returning toward a more peaceful place. Interestingly, although S6 wants us to reunite, I find him to almost run interference b/t XW and I when together or when we're talking. He seems to get so anxious when the 3 of us are together. For example, I had to send him to his room so that I could finish talking to XW about her C scare Sun night, as he started shouting at the phone so that I'd hang up on her. I wonder if some of his behavior is related to her being on the phone a lot while alone in the house with him (prior to moving). He gets tons of attention from me and needs to provide space for mommy and daddy time. This was a sore point in the M - my fault more so than hers - as S6 got attention to the detriment of our M (such as little/no dating).
I can see Wes' perspective regarding more pain and greater difficulty with detachment with increased positive contact, but hopefully, this increase in my related pain is mirrored by some healing in her and in our R. If so, then its a very worthwhile sacrifice.
My PMA is suffering a bit due to being sick and the lessened GAL work that has resulted.
Sounds like you handled all of that very well. I do feel that the child needs to feel you and your XW are on the same page regarding visitation. Next time it could easily be her telling him that it's rude that he doesn't want to go with you.
The sub shop thing sounds like to be expected. It isn't easy being comfortable with your X initially in a social, almost family-like situation. But I certainly encourage that you not get discouraged by it. I think you do need to get comfortable with each other to the point where it's natural.
I don't know what's up with the ovarian cancer scare. Do they all become hypochondriacs? I sometimes wonder if that's simply an excuse to have sympathetic contact....the feeling that someone cares. While mine really had something to worry about, before that there were other things bugging her.
Anyway, I applaud you again. You are doing well. Glad your having such a good time with your son.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: At dropoff, S6 complained loudly about having to return to her, proclaiming he didn't like being with her, so I sat him in my knee (in front of her), described his beh as rude, acknowledged that his being transfered back and forth was hard, and told him that his mother and I were trying hard to do our best, but that he couldn't be rude to her.
He's a hurtin' dude, and I think he's beginning to blame her for his hurt. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to DB, nor should he, so he's responding as a child. You showed him what you expect from him, but I wouldn't be surprised if it'll happen again, until he can make his own peace with XW's actions.
I still feel bad about my parents' D, and they remarried one another, with no intervening Ms, 8 years later.
As XW grows, she'll be able to do more for him, and as long as he has a stable influence from you, he'll be ok. Someday he'll even come to know that himself. Then it'll be your turn to be polite and say, "You're welcome, S."
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Me, I agree - S6 needs to be able to express himself, but in an appropriate way. I've already experienced it at times, so I know he'll take his turn venting at me. We just need to teach him basic respect. I think you're right about the WAS pulling for general concern/caring behavior.
K, thanks for the comments about providing stability. I'm working hard at self-care to make that more of a longterm possibility from me to him.
Things continue along a more peaceful/friendly tone: XW and I sat together at his swim lesson yesterday. She seemed anxious at first, but I climbed up the stadium seating to sit next to her, noticed that her hair reflected her natural curliness and said, "I love your hair!" She laughed and said, "Nothing like letting it air-dry!" XW has done a 180 in terms of cosmetics/looks, going frequently to get hair/nails/etc.. done. It was interesting to me that I spontaneously loved her "look" that was natural and not "done" by someone else. But I digress...
~ 1 hr of friendly chatter about S6, with an interesting amount of questions about 'the' (my) house, what I'm doing with it, with her peppering in comments "oh, that's good!" "thats a nice idea" that will work out well." She was more closed off with her responses about her place, but did comment in general to my fewer 'safe' return inquiries.
I walked them to the car afterwards, and we seemed way more comfortable with one another than we have in the past when I've done so.
I have S6 overnight tonight. Maybe we'll do pizza... Should be fun.
My cold is letting up. I'm sooo looking forward to exercising tomorrow.
Quote: It was interesting to me that I spontaneously loved her "look" that was natural and not "done" by someone else.
Is she reverting to "herself" in this? You've talked about her dating and running with a younger crowd, even students. Had she been wearing her hair differently?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Maybe she didn't have time to do anything else with her hair and didn't figure on seeing anyone she cared to impress anyway. Or maybe some other guy said he liked her hair natural so she started wearing it that way. Or maybe the aliens decided her hair style for the day. If I took my cues from my XWs hair I'd have to say that she really isn't entertaining anything with me because she doesn't do anything with it except throw a baseball hat on top of it.
All I can say is there is a whole lot of analyzing going on. The interactions you have been having are great. Enjoy them, try to have more of them, but there is a lot of action reading here. For all you know she's happy as a clam with her new life, new place, and is pleased that you are taking the divorce so well and have moved on as well.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
K, she's still reinventing herself, but in a less frantic manner. Her hair looks fried - far too many colorings/treatments in too short a time. She has naturally beautiful chestnut-colored wavy-curly hair, so my observations about it on Tue referred to my noticing myself being attracted to her natural look, not the salon look.
Wes, I think one needs to balance things post-D. I'm seeing folks completely detach, then take their positivity and personal growth-selves, and jump into new Rs with their own OP. I'm not planning on doing that, for now. So I plan to keep some connection going with XW, some effort to keep DBing, and see what happens. I don't need her, but I still love and want her. I don't want the old R back, I know the old her is gone, but I'm seeing enough of the positive qualities in this 'new' XW to realize that an attraction is still there. I've seen glimmers of an attraction from her to me, but even if this goes nowhere, a friendship is better than not.
We had quite a bit of interaction yesterday. Phone call in the morn, then attendance at S6's parent-teacher conference, then sitting and chatting during his swim lesson. As we wrapped up the PTC, when I noted that I might skip his swim lesson to get some work done, XW noted that S6 really appreciated my being there, so I reversed myself and said I'd be there. She smiled brightly, then honked and waved when they exited the parking lot. During our convo at his swim lesson, she seemed to open up more about herself, saying at one point, "Gabe, I'm just so tired. I've never been so tired. I could sleep for days." I was able to actively listen and she seems to appreciate this, as she's keeping the convos going. Not all negative stuff, though. She told me about her latest yoga position successes, and I was genuinely impressed, and told her so. We were able to laugh and joke about things as well. It felt good to share that.
She'll have S6 thru Sun morn, as they're going to see the ILs who are taking them to Disneyworld. XW noted that they're heading back Sat instead of Sun. Important point, as they usually press her to spend as much time with them as possible.
I'm doing some contract work this am, then I'm sneaking out of the office to do some kayaking this afternoon. Looks like this is going to be a gorgeous day.
Had a great afternoon, yesterday. While kayaking, a pod of 6 dolphin, including 1 calf, swam beside me. They played, jumping out of the water at times, blowing, quite curious. I just sat there w/ my paddle resting on the hull and watched with great joy. At another point, a bald eagle - the first I've seen in about 6 yrs, circled close to me right overhead, curious about what I was doing or perhaps eyeing fish beneath the surface. The water was cool, and a crisp wind made me thankful for having the right gear on. Its a nice reprieve from the hot humid FL weather.
Dinner with a buddy was nice. We swapped guitars after dinner, and I'm looking forward to playing this new one. He's a WAH, and met an OW ~2wks ago, and is very happy with her, excited about their possibilities, yet expressing doubts about it lasting. There have been no real attempts to heal or stay in contact after a tough D process b/t him and his XW, so I'm not drawing many parallels b/t his sitch and my own. Still, it is always sobering to see how little the WAS lends the possibility of change in themselves to the possibility of similar change in the LBS or the R. I think contact is needed for the LBS to continue to demonstrate such change/growth. For it to be sustainable and genuine, tho, it does need to be about me - my interests, passions, goals.
I see a lot of positives in your sitch Gabriel. Your life is on the right path. I agree with you about keeping contact with the WAS. I think it is very important for more reasons than one.
