"I came that you may have life, and have it abundantly." (John 10:10)
I think we are making this praying-for-the-X's-happiness thing too complicated.
If we truly approach it from a Christian perspective, what we are praying for is for that person to experience life in the fullness of God. Or to put it in more psychological terms, we are praying for them to reach the top of Maslow's Pyramid -- Hierarchy of Needs. We are praying for them to be fully self-actualized.
When one is living fully in God, sleeping with someone's W/H/D/S is irrelevant; that's not living fully and joyfully in God.
So don't overanaylze this stuff. If we pray to God for someone to be happy, God knows what we mean (or at least what we SHOULD mean!)
I am still lurking on occasion and trying to get my mind to a different place. My D process is ongoing.
I see you have moved to a new place and that your W is still in la-la land. Enjoy the great times with your S6. They grow up too fast.....
Will return to the forum when I have come to a different place mentally. I want to be like Bruce.....Take care,
UD
P.S. : Ran the Chicago marathon last weekend in 4:06 hours. Missed my goal of under 4 hours. But I did knock 8 minutes off my last year's time. Well, next year I know I will come in under 4 hours.
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
With apologies for the mini hijack on "happiness," and belief in a Supreme Being (principally God in Bible), I want to expound on Martha. In MERE CHRISTIANITY, C.S. Lewis talked about the existence or forces of good and evil, and how through free will, God allowed evil to exist (I’m not doing any justice to much deeper thoughts, but go along with the premise). Lewis proffers:
Quote:
How did the Dark Power go wrong? Here, no doubt, we ask a question to which human beings cannot give an answer with any certainty. A reasonable (and traditional) guess, based on our own experiences of going wrong, can, however, be offered. The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first—wanting to be the center—wanting to be God in, fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with s*x, but that is a mistake. (The story in the Book of Genesis rather suggests that some corruption in our sexual nature followed the fall and was its result, not its cause). What Satan out into the heads our remote ancestors was the idea that they could “be like gods”—could set up on their own as if they had created themselves—be their own masters—invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, part from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empire, slavery—the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.
The reason why it can never succeed is this. God made us: invented us as a man invents an engine. A car is made to run on petrol, and it would not run properly on anything else. Now God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about religion. God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.
This is the key to history. Terrific energy is expended—civilizations are built up—excellent institutions devised; but each time, something goes wrong. Some fatal flaw always brings the selfish and cruel people to the top and it all slides back into misery and ruin. In fact, the machine conks. It seems to start up all right and run a few yards, and then it breaks down. They are trying to run it on the wrong juice. That is what Satan has done to us humans.
Now, trust me that a few years ago I could never imagine getting this deeply into theology and God. But from a solution-based-therapy standpoint, despite the turmoil in my personal life, my journey to God, has brought me some of the greatest joy and contentment in my life. Those are measurable results. And I have a hard time believeing that it's just a matter of "whatever works for you," as opposed to being the Truth. God is forever.
I now return this thread back to its usual discourse.
Buddy, I think you and Martha and I are all saying the same thing, some more eloquently. A benefit to believing in God is that releasing one's WAS to Him includes the assumption that they'll be taken care of and that there will be many attempts to shepherd the WAS back to the flock. This leaves the LBS free to keep improving/self-actualizing.
Update XW called 3x yesterday, all centered on S6's new swim lessons and, later, on work. I let her go to VM the first 2xs, and she left long happy messages, inviting me to his swim lessons that she arranged, then telling me about how he did. Later that eve, we talked a bit, and we shared some laughs and positivity. Anyway, remember back in March-May when we would sit and visit during swim lessons or T-Ball, and the sitch was much more peaceful?
Saw her in the main office at work and merely said "hey!" and she started up another convo about S6, laughing etc... I stayed relaxed, sat on a table-top and just enjoyed the moment. She looked great, but I tried to center on the fact that I likely did as well.
A sobering fact was that she's still labeling me as an "unhealthy man" to those who supported her decision to D, so this is very split behavior.
Perhaps I need to recall that early mantra: "Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do."
Gabe- Good to see your interactions with XW are more positive. The swim lessons may be a good thing to help on the communication level. Just remember to always be positive and upbeat!
Try to stop worrying about what she thinks of you. You know who you are now and you know what kind of person you are becoming. That's what matters right now. She still has issues to work out on her own.
How is the house work coming along? Holidays are just around the corner! Make them enjoyable for you and S6.
Quote: A sobering fact was that she's still labeling me as an "unhealthy man" to those who supported her decision to D, so this is very split behavior.
Lost, you're right - I know who I am, and even 1 year ago, her labels of me had more to do with justifying her choice to D than the reality of our M. It just leaves me with a sinking feeling in my stomach, almost despair, b/c I know reality, and I can't do a thing to get her to face the reality of us or me. I think that's what you mean by her issues.
M, I continue to hear some things from mutual friends. A few friends were supportive of her, and cutoff contact w/me without ever speaking to me about the M or S/D. Others who interacted with both of us noted early on that they heard about both sides of the M from me (my mistakes, but hers as well), but no acknowledgment of any fault from her. This struck them as significant, yet 2-3 continue to try to support her and I separately.
I know to take it with a grain of salt, and have avoided it from the most part, as it tends to get me off of center.
Enjoying a good weekend with S6, nice brief dropoff convo with XW. Have a good weekend, everyone!
Quote: It just leaves me with a sinking feeling in my stomach, almost despair
Enjoy the weekend with S6. Despair and that sinking feeling come from projecting too much into the future. You're doing what's best for you and S6, even for XW in as much as her life is your business these days. By that I mean that you are fair and continue to show her respect and compassion, despite her flare-ups of blaming, etc. She'll do her exploring and take as long as she takes, ending up where she ends up. Keep your focus on your destination.
Enjoy your time with S6. Our kids are too important to let those sinking feelings interfere with how we support the true innocents in our sitches.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Thanks for that reminder to shift focus. I did and we had a great time. S6 seems to be really taking to my living at the house, with his laughing and mine filling the house nicely at times.
Sunday in particular went well. I played guitar for him, and he picked it up, strumming and belting out a song that he made up on the fly. I need to film him next time. We went shopping and I bought us some clothes play shoes for S6. As a 'house-warming' gift, I bought XW a woman's version of an excellent pair of running shoes I've fallen in love with. She's still running, but tends to buy cheap versions that leave one's knees aching. It seemed a nice mixture of personal (I know her size, adn we used to run together), caring, and not something she'll place in the condo somewhere, than forget about.
XW called Sun night, and S6 and I were returning from dinner out after evening Mass. I stayed on and shared some stories from the weekend with her, with us laughing about S6's escapades. I told her about his experiments with his new allowance (started Sat), and we discussed his behavior and ways to improve it consistently, with me asking her questions and complimenting her ideas a few times. She mentioned that she had 2 tickets to a fundraiser dinner/dance, and wanted to know if I could use them, as she "didn't have anyone to go with." I said I didn't either, but I didn't ask her to go with me - felt premature. I'd still like to work on friendship, and she still has the RO in place (I think). XW mentioned that she' undergoing tests for cancer and would keep me informed if anything shows up. I chocked up a bit when she said this, wasn't expecting it, and I merely said stupid stuff like "oh no!" "I'm so sorry" and "thank you, yes, I want to know."
We stopped talking there, as S6 started acting up b/c he wanted my attention, and she said g'night to him and hung up.
