GAL Work & Friendship3

[Just_Me]

Its hard for me to judge what to say sometimes, as I don't want to seem like I'm prying into her sitch. Any script advice/ideas?

How about just asking her? I think as a friend you should know the boundaries of questioning. There are some areas I think it's safe to go and some interest it's safe to show.

Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth. You have to start somewhere with your XW. You need to establish the fact that you are someone that it's safe to talk to without her feeling judged or looked down upon. I think that compliments and validation aren't that great unless the person receiving these words can believe them. How do you achieve this? Start small. You know when you are going to drop off your son that there is an opportunity to ask something about her that you may be interested in and she may feel safe to tell you. Take her move for instance...you missed the opportunity, but not forever. Just modify it. "You getting adjusted in the condo?", "all unpacked yet?", "How are you liking the condo?" Then take what she gives you. Show genuine interest (thus, you might want to ask a question you want the answer to and can show interest in).

My other suggestion is to repair some of the damage you might have done from the standpoint of her mothering (you might want to ask questions for some of the next several meetings first). Rather than saying.."I think you are a good mother" or "I appreciate you doing such a good job with S6" (both of which by the way may be perceived as fake; they certain seem that way to me) I would consider whether she might not have some insight into something about S6. Ask her opinion. Ask how she thinks the two of you should deal with something. Perhaps over time you should in some way indicate you aren't brainwashing him, that he's a smart boy (taking after mom?) and has his own opinion. You don't want to hurt his feelings or dash his hopes by saying that you are divorced and likely won't be back together and does she have any suggestion on what you might say to him.

I'm just brainstorming here Gabe. I know it's always preferable to go off the cuff and be natural, but it doesn't hurt to come prepared with at least a question or two. Prepare how you'll deal with each scenario. It will get easier as you go.

If you get to the point of comfortableness then ask if you can ask her opinion of something. Then ask it, listen, and thank her. As I write this I know I need to do more of that myself. I converse okay with my XW, but I know her self-esteem needs a little boost, I do value her opinion, but I've been avoiding going there because I'm too busy showing my independence.

Me