It is funny to hear you call me a tough cookie. I wish you could have seen me in the beginning.
I saw that you were initially separated in 10/04. I separated in 11/03. I can't tell you how many times I just broke down and cried. I could have screamed into my pillow forever. My MIL told me the breaking down uncontrollably would last around six months after I had endured 3 months. When I was still breaking down after a year, I thought something was wrong with me. I know realize that she probably just told me six months so she wouldn't scare me to death. MIL's H (ex's dad) was an alcoholic and left her for his secretary. Ex's father has been in recovery for about 13 years now. H was affected by that divorce in an awful way. It was like he repeated his father's life uncounsciously. Weird.... There were six kids and ex took the worst blow. He was 13 when it happened. He said he could remember hearing his mother cry for hours and hours inside her room. He said he thought she would never stop. There was a sibling who was six, and he actually faired the best. I think the younger the kids are the better.
When I initially divorced, my friend told me it would take two years to feel good again. I did not want to hear that, but he was actually right. It took me nearly two years to really smile again without having to force it or pretend. I mean I smiled, but the pain never stopped long enough to be happy. It does fade more and more. I truly thought with all my heart that I would walk this earth trying to fight back tears forever. It is so weird how one day the pain is a little less and then a little less and a little less.......
It is interesting that you say ex's plants were dead and how she stopped feeding the birds. She is going through a lot!! I had so many beautiful plants. They all died!! Shortly into in my separation, my grandfather's wife came to my house to get my mail while I was out of town. She told me that she felt so sorry for my plants and tried to save them and get them to perk up just a little. I said thanks and then just let them croke for good once she left.
Your ex sounds like she is dealing with a lot of anger. You know there is a book that helped me get through to ex a lot. Don't let the name scare you. It is called "How to Divorce as Friends." In the insert it says "how to divorce as friends and possibly even renew your love. I swear it is what saved my relationship with ex. It gives a lot of ideas about difusing anger. I think your wives anger is eating her up inside. Maybe you could help her let it go.
I think you are at a good time in your situation to start to help let this happen. It was at about a year of separation that I read this book and practiced the techniques. They worked like magic with my ex. An example would have been when ex filed the RO on you, you would have told her, "I was really wrong about snooping through your stuff and I understand why you felt the need to file an RO." All of sudden, they are apologizing to you for what they did. At first it feels weird until you realize that the results make it feel great to do. It helps you let go of your anger too because you are getting an apology for things like an RO. You are gritting your teeth through the first times you do this, but now I live my life doing it. It just comes naturally.
It is a very simple read. You have nothing to lose. A lot of it you already know from DBing but it will probably still help you.
Is there a way to email people within this board. I could send it to you by email. It is sold as a regular book but you can purchase it by ebook also which is what I have.
