When she says it, she MEANS it! And if nothing changes, it will stay that way! But like I mentioned a while back, she really wants to have a relationship, it’s just that she has as much anger as I (and I really think she has more) that she cannot see past it. On a conscious level she is mad, but on a subconscious level, all she wants is for mommy to pick her up and hold her. I think of her as a hurt little girl (though sometimes I still don’t care!). So no matter how mad she is, having someone hold her would really feel good.
If I can tactfully approach her (after a little time), she will feel that subconscious memory which still feels good to her. She will push me away verbally or ignore me, but that is how she processes her anger (even though I don’t have to like it). Then she can let her anger subside and start thinking rationally. Remember, love avoiders really want to be pursued. They go into panic when the pursuit REALLY stops.
I am hoping that by knowing this, YOU can avoid the panic feelings by learning to override your emotions and knowing that she is really NOT abandoning you. IT IS ONLY AN ILLUSION. Feeling differently is behavioral change, just like Blackfoot says. But to gain that lesson, you need to be watching for the signals.
A BIG NOTE: If you don’t learn this subtle lesson, then your continued panic reactions only perpetuate the cycle. You have said a lot about wanting to be your own person, which is something you felt around the other woman. Well here is a real life example how you can do that, how you can push YOUR development ahead, and in so doing change the external forces that shape HER behavior, allowing a change to happen in her.
