"First off stop caring what I or others think of you. Smack Smack. You are a grown succesful man with your own beliefs and life to live. Smack, Smack." I do appreciate the sentiment, but if all it took was someone beating the crap out of me to get me to change who I am, I'd have volunteered to be the practice target at the local Karate dojo a long time ago. I am going to work on it, but do not be surprised if the "do you hate me?" type post crops up occasionally.
Well, let me explain a bit of the murk. I was doing much better as the week progressed, everyone here was giving me great advice. Even if a lot of it was contradictory, I expected that and thought I could handle it. Then Friday something just switched in me. It has been this way for several weeks now, so I don't think it was this board that did it. Maybe it is the anticipation that I am going to be around my wife for long periods of time. I do feel an intense desire for her physically pretty much all the time. The fore-knowledge that I will be feeling that but there will be no reciprocation I guess just sends me into a tizzy. Imagine the woman you feel the most intense physical desire for (some movie star or whoever) and then imagine being around that person for 24 hours and having the knowledge that sex and affection are not only allowed but should be there, but are not. That is the murk in my head. Sure, thoughts of the OW are there playing with my emotions, but I think that those thoughts are a redirection of my unfulfilled fantasies at home. I'm no psychologist so I may be deluding myself, but it rings true to me in my mind (murky as it is).
I took HP's advice and did no talking about R last night. I just made myself available to do whatever she needed and worked on household chores and some work I brought home when she was sleeping. I did try to joke around a bit, and got a little smile from her (she made a comment while nursing the newborn about how good he smelled after his bath with all the baby lotions and stuff. I responded by saying maybe I should slather myself in the stuff). Not much of a joke, but it was something. I also showed her small bits of affection to let her know I am not pulling away (rubbed her leg while she watched SVU, gave her a couple of hugs, etc.) I tried not to let the murk in my head be shown, but who knows if I was successfull.
No I haven't scheduled it yet, stupid me. I haven't even gone over to get a parking permit and have racked up quite a few tickets. They'll forgive the tickets when I get the permit, but it is still just another sign of how I am not being very responsible right now. I'll call the dude today ... and get a stupid parking permit.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
