"Did you have any of these feelings toward your wife at the intiation of your relationship?" Sorry I don't understand your question. Do you mean that I thought my wife was self-serving and self-deceptive

I think what Mrs. Nop is asking here ( man I hope I am not wrong here, normally I like it. ) is if your R with your wife initiated out of secrecy, deception, and a feeling of entitlment.... or being self- serving.

R with OW made you feel good, but it was also extremely self- destructive. It was not good for anything you want to accomplish.

Feelings are tricky, the stronger they are the more likely they coerce us into making the wrong choice. (speaking from experience here. ) Time to crush those biology driven thoughts, or get some help (meds) doing so. As an observer you are all over the place right now globule. HP is right all of this is going into your W's do not forget file of resentment.