The saga continues

[chromosphere]

"How about incorporating some of the things that you liked about yourself, when with OW, and applying them to your W?"
Not a half bad idea. I had been wondering about how I could get her to see what it is the OW provided for me without making it too obvious where it came from. I already do joke around with her, and "wink" at her (in a number of different ways). Interesting conversations is a bit more difficult because she doesn't seem to respond to anything except talk about babies these days.

I never thought I could turn W into OW, but I did think that some of the good qualities of OW that are considered to be universally good would be appropriate to suggest. I guess though when there is emotional baggage attached to an idea, no matter how good in principle, you do have to be more careful.

There seems to be a fine line between "over-committing" to a relationship (just ignoring things that should kill the relationship for the sake of preserving it at all costs) and the proper amount of commitment. I don't think anyone would suggest that someone should be committed no matter what, even the most die-hard Biblical literalists believe in divorce for certain reasons. I heard someone say that everyone should catalog their "deal breakers." I guess what I'm trying to ask is how do you balance the attitude that I am "100% committed", but at the same time be honest with yourself that in some situations it is better to separate. On a side note, I am committed to my marriage. I still have lingering feelings for OW for sure, I will for awhile. But I 100% approach my wife with the attitude that I want to be with her for the rest of my life and I want it to be a marriage where we BOTH are happy, not just me. Maybe in wearing my heart on my sleeve, the W picks up subtle clues that say I am thinking about OW and she interprets them as me silently wanting a reason to leave. That is not the case. I did basically say what Cobra suggested, but maybe not as strongly. If a good opportunity arises, I will say it more strongly.

I am reasonably confident based on OW comments and from the mutual friend that this was the first time for her too. I don't look down on her for what happened, she was caught up in it as much as I was. I heard from mutual friend that she had to go home from work one day because she was so sick from the guilt she felt. I also heard from mutual friend that she was making statements like "I can never make this up to my husband" which sounds wrong-headed to me, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Is my wife loyal? You are right in that she is loyal in terms of not looking elsewhere for EC or S. There is also loyalty within the confines of the marriage itself, of keeping promises to each other such as the promise of sex later that evening, or the promise to be more affectionate, etc. My betrayal is worse than hers, but she has betrayed my trust in a number of ways over the years.


"I wish I had been more sensitive to his daily struggles and able to see that there are two people in this marriage, not just me, and that timing is an important element to all of this."
You are right of course. I make an effort to be more sensitive and aware of her feelings in the future. I will do my absolute best to lay off for a few weeks.