I would never consider you a bad guy. I think it is awesome that you are straight out and not holding back details. In a effort to find solutions.
I can condeem no one for there actions (okay except myself and my H). I am not on any moral high plan in life looking down at anyone. As I said before I find your ability to show your emotions as fascinating in some aspects.
Maybe she felt equal parts disgust and pity for me and just couldn't decide how to react so she just didn't show much. That was a large part of the point I was trying to make by posting what my response would be to the sitch if it happened here in my home. The other part was to show that though Cobras thoughts make sense they are not a sure thing. Slapping ready made lables on someone when we are not in a profession to do such is not always going to be a accurate assessment IMO.
I look back on that night and the few nights afterwards with complete disgust at myself. The suicidal thoughts were completely not my normal persona, despite my low self-esteem, and I cannot believe now that I went there.
I have been there. And for longer then a few days. That is how I walked into my EA and that OP and his family is the only people who showed me support and helped me leave that thought process. Again as I stated before everything we experience in life is a lesson and has a reason. A few moments of being overwhelmed is not some thing to find disgust of ourselves for. Though others on the outside may not clearly see what is going on within is and find our actions disgusting/disturbing in sorts. I hope you work through this emotion I do not feel it is benifical for your mental health IMO.
I do think your comment that you would be incredulous that I would be depressed at the loss of the OW would be a pretty common response for most people
I do not find it incredulous that you would be depressed at the loss of the OW. I was stating if my H despair of the situation caused him to react as you did I would find it incredulous that he would display such actions in front of me in a time that I would need to be consoled by him.(just finding out about the EA). I just feel that your reaction/actions may have overwhelmed her and limited her response to the situation. And that your grief may have seemed selfish to her when at that moment she should have been allowed to be the one grieving. And no instead of being angry about what you had done she is holding on to just that.
But I felt the loss of the R with the OW the same as the death of a best friend, I don't know how else to explain it.
You do not need to explain this to me. In my case it is not just the loss of the person but the support that they have given me throughout this life time that I miss. I have never had anyone so in sync with me other then this person or so supportive. But in truth I am lucky because even though I am allowed no contact with this person. I know I have not lost them. Six years from now if I need them they will be there for me. It is how it has always been between us. I did loose my best friend.
The guilt I had over my actions
Again I am lucky here. I feel no guilt except for the harrassment my H bestowed on everyone in this persons family when I tried to leave last year. Where I was at that time leaves me no doubt had I not have had there/his support I would not be sitting here typing this today. I am filled with gratitued not guilt.
I know I did a bad thing
No you are learning and that is not bad. Sometimes the paths we take are not the easiest, sometimes we can look back and say we wish we would have choose a different one. But making mistakes does not make us bad people. It makes us human.
I do want her to think of me as a strong man and try to rebuild our trust. I don't ever want to manipulate her with my tears, or for her to even for a moment think that is what I am doing.
I think LFL misread my statement of finding men crying as unmanly and you may have also. I was stating I guess I find it unmanly because my only experiences with a male crying frequently was my step father on one of his tirades and so that jades my perception of the sitch. I am not stating it is unmanly or that others would find it as such. But as you know how we view things is in large by experience and not knowing what your wife has experienced she may also see it as such or she may not. But it is sharing of thoughts that helps us all see things differently.
They both gave me a big hug when I came home and tried to sing along with me when I read their story to put them to bed
Baby hugs are the best hugs in the world. And daddys singing while putting there little girls to bed is wonderful. I never experienced it myself but it would have to be a great experience to have.
Baby pooh ahh yes I remember that. So much easier to clean when they are little after about a year old it becomes quite nasty and stinky. Guess that is one thing about having a toddler I do not really miss! And something for you to look forward to .
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