Back with my coffee and choc.chip muffin! Too bad it's almost lunch time and I'm still on breakfast lol.
Honeypot, you are right. Globule needs to "focus on himself and his personal goals at this time." GAL in other words. That really helped me when I was gung-ho to work on my M and H was having none of it.
How about incorporating some of the things that you liked about yourself, when with OW, and applying them to your W?
Such as, Strike up an interesting convo with W, once per week. Be funny. Wink at her.
Whatever! Do a 180.
Start slow and change yourself. Your wife will follow suit.
You cannot turn your wife into the OW.
This is not only unfair, it is INSULTING to her. If you were my H, I'd be royally pissed at even the thought of it. Don't think that this thought has not occurred to her.
OTOH, if I were you, I'd be royally pissed that my wife ignored me. You are both wrong and both need to change. I'm not intending this as an ass whooping, that's not my personality. I just want you to succeed. Your family is so young and small, it needs some tender lovin care to get it to "gel" and cement into something strong.
For that to happen, you've gotta be committed to your wife and to your marriage.
I'm sorry, but the OW sounds addicted to outside validation. If this is not the first time she's strayed outside her marriage, it aint the last. Would you want to be on the receiving end of her betrayals? I doubt it! Your wife is loyal, there's somethin to be said for that.
Anyway, enough of the smackdown. I really just want the best for you and I see disaster looming if you don't pick your battles wisely.
There have been...ahem...times in my M when my timing was so bad I am ashamed of myself. I caused my husband no small amount of grief and stress. Once, he had a panic attack (truly, it scared the sh*t out of him) at work because he was afraid of losing his job and I would not--would NOT--let up on the homefront pressure. This still haunts me. I wish I had been more sensitive to his daily struggles and able to see that there are two people in this marriage, not just me, and that timing is an important element to all of this.
So, you're a southern boy with a southern belle W. So we do have some differences I'm a Yankee. Almost all of my extended family is from the NY area. We live in upstate NY now. I'm the youngest of 6, (5 girls, 1 boy) He was spoiled rotten, although I was too being the youngest. It was expected that we all become educated and go to college at the very least, master level preferred. All of my siblings are educated and hold quite powerful jobs. I have the education but like I have said before, was never motivated to pursue the money. I just wanted to study something I was interested in. You are well educated as well. Was that an anomoly in your family or was it a given like in mine. I think that you can tell a lot about a family by the expectations of the parents. I remember you said you came from a very domineering fundamentalist father. We were raised Catholic but I cannot recall one instance of my father attending church. I think he thought it was a lot of BS and I tended to follow in his footsteps. Tell me more about your parents (if you are willing). So I know they have a lot of proper etiquette in them there southern states. Women are taught to be "ladies" and often NOT sexual. Maybe some of the southern women on this board will come along and prove me wrong but that's the stereotype. Sounds like she has a lot of her family around, what about yours? Are they in the area? It sounds like her family can be pretty intimidating. Do they like you in general? Do they know about the EA? My H family is way too involved in our lives. My parents are mellow, never bother us about anything. His family is constantly calling, trying to get us all together, blah blah. Who has time for all this and why do I want to spend so much time with you. Leave me alone! (Ok, done with that vent). Glad to hear your brothers and friend are coming to visit. That will keep you distracted for a while. Stay Mr. Cool I'll be Miss Cool (with the brass ones, Lol!)
Quote: Actually, "Neander" was originally a person. Joachim Neander (1650-1680), teacher and hymnist, who enjoyed nature walks in the secluded Düssel valley. He wrote songs and poems there, and the locals thought him a cute eccentric. In the 19th century, someone named a cave "Neanderhöhle" after him. Later, during the process of quarrying limestone, the cement industry turned the narrow ravine into a large valley ... which was then called "Neanderthal" and the river the "Neander River". In that valley, in 1856, the famous Neanderthal Man was found.
To reinstate the hijack, wasn't it actually Joachim Neuman? I thought his name was Neuman, which means "new man", but being a student of Greek, he chose to use the Greek translation of "new man", which turns out to be "neander". When I originally heard this story I thought it was an interesting twist that they discovered the fossil of a "new" man in a valley named for this guy named "new man".
Lil No, I do not usually make it at home. Just doesn't taste as good. I like Dunkin Donuts coffee better than Starbucks and you are correct, the choc. chip muffin is also a major incentive I don't even want to think about how much money a spend at D&D. It's definitely addictive. I like the buzzed feeling I get from the caffeine. See, always searching for these highs, whether in my coffee, chocolate, or relationships
When we were first married, my wife could go two weeks easy without speaking to me. Now, if it is a biggie, I let about 3 days pass, smaller things need a day. Cobra, that would drive me over the edge into insanity. I'm always surprised to hear how many couples actually use this "technique" to deal with marital problems. Avoidance to the extreme. I believe you fantasize too much, which in part has led to this problem. Fantasy works both ways, you dream of what you want, but you have the disturbing visions too. Yep. Got to agree with you here. An A makes this even more likely and it is so hard to break out of that mentality. I would advise you telling your wife that you will completely break things off with the other woman, and do all you can to avoid her at work. And saying she broke things off with you does not say much about your intentions does it. Basically your answers were all conditional, leaving the door open should things not work out with your wife. This is why she was quiet. That's a good educated guess as to her quietness but still it is a strange reaction. I agree that the OW being the one to break it off puts Globule at a disadvantage with his W. Both of them will be saying "What if.." Globule, does she know the details to the point of the OW being the one to end it? If not, I would play that down.
I actually don't drink that much coffee Guess we can't be friends anymore.
J/K
And chocolate, well I may not have that sexual rush that they say some women get from it, but its still good stuff. Ok, you saved it here. Any man who doesn't like chocolate is not very sensual.
The best is a dessert that combines both faves, like coffee ice cream with chocolate chips or chocolate sauce. Yummy
Quote: To reinstate the hijack, wasn't it actually Joachim Neuman? I thought his name was Neuman, which means "new man", but being a student of Greek, he chose to use the Greek translation of "new man", which turns out to be "neander". When I originally heard this story I thought it was an interesting twist that they discovered the fossil of a "new" man in a valley named for this guy named "new man".
Yes, you're absolutely right. His family's original name was Neumann. There are conflicting accounts of when it was changed - probably in his grandfather's day. His father already went by "Johann Joachim Neander". Translating surnames into Greek was a fashion of the time. I'd imagine they used both versions, depending on occasion.
I would never consider you a bad guy. I think it is awesome that you are straight out and not holding back details. In a effort to find solutions.
I can condeem no one for there actions (okay except myself and my H). I am not on any moral high plan in life looking down at anyone. As I said before I find your ability to show your emotions as fascinating in some aspects.
Maybe she felt equal parts disgust and pity for me and just couldn't decide how to react so she just didn't show much. That was a large part of the point I was trying to make by posting what my response would be to the sitch if it happened here in my home. The other part was to show that though Cobras thoughts make sense they are not a sure thing. Slapping ready made lables on someone when we are not in a profession to do such is not always going to be a accurate assessment IMO.
I look back on that night and the few nights afterwards with complete disgust at myself. The suicidal thoughts were completely not my normal persona, despite my low self-esteem, and I cannot believe now that I went there.
I have been there. And for longer then a few days. That is how I walked into my EA and that OP and his family is the only people who showed me support and helped me leave that thought process. Again as I stated before everything we experience in life is a lesson and has a reason. A few moments of being overwhelmed is not some thing to find disgust of ourselves for. Though others on the outside may not clearly see what is going on within is and find our actions disgusting/disturbing in sorts. I hope you work through this emotion I do not feel it is benifical for your mental health IMO.
I do think your comment that you would be incredulous that I would be depressed at the loss of the OW would be a pretty common response for most people
I do not find it incredulous that you would be depressed at the loss of the OW. I was stating if my H despair of the situation caused him to react as you did I would find it incredulous that he would display such actions in front of me in a time that I would need to be consoled by him.(just finding out about the EA). I just feel that your reaction/actions may have overwhelmed her and limited her response to the situation. And that your grief may have seemed selfish to her when at that moment she should have been allowed to be the one grieving. And no instead of being angry about what you had done she is holding on to just that.
But I felt the loss of the R with the OW the same as the death of a best friend, I don't know how else to explain it.
You do not need to explain this to me. In my case it is not just the loss of the person but the support that they have given me throughout this life time that I miss. I have never had anyone so in sync with me other then this person or so supportive. But in truth I am lucky because even though I am allowed no contact with this person. I know I have not lost them. Six years from now if I need them they will be there for me. It is how it has always been between us. I did loose my best friend.
The guilt I had over my actions
Again I am lucky here. I feel no guilt except for the harrassment my H bestowed on everyone in this persons family when I tried to leave last year. Where I was at that time leaves me no doubt had I not have had there/his support I would not be sitting here typing this today. I am filled with gratitued not guilt.
I know I did a bad thing
No you are learning and that is not bad. Sometimes the paths we take are not the easiest, sometimes we can look back and say we wish we would have choose a different one. But making mistakes does not make us bad people. It makes us human.
I do want her to think of me as a strong man and try to rebuild our trust. I don't ever want to manipulate her with my tears, or for her to even for a moment think that is what I am doing.
I think LFL misread my statement of finding men crying as unmanly and you may have also. I was stating I guess I find it unmanly because my only experiences with a male crying frequently was my step father on one of his tirades and so that jades my perception of the sitch. I am not stating it is unmanly or that others would find it as such. But as you know how we view things is in large by experience and not knowing what your wife has experienced she may also see it as such or she may not. But it is sharing of thoughts that helps us all see things differently.
They both gave me a big hug when I came home and tried to sing along with me when I read their story to put them to bed
Baby hugs are the best hugs in the world. And daddys singing while putting there little girls to bed is wonderful. I never experienced it myself but it would have to be a great experience to have.
Baby pooh ahh yes I remember that. So much easier to clean when they are little after about a year old it becomes quite nasty and stinky. Guess that is one thing about having a toddler I do not really miss! And something for you to look forward to .
I don't even want to think about how much money a spend at D&D. It's definitely addictive. I like the buzzed feeling I get from the caffeine. See, always searching for these highs, whether in my coffee, chocolate, or relationships 
