Although what you say is hard for me to hear, I do see some truth in it. I wish I had not reacted the way I did that night, I was probably the worst moment in my life and I handled it very poorly. I had these visions in my head of being rejected by the only two women in my life that had showed any interest in me. All this newfound confidence I had in myself as a sexual being was just shattered. I knew at one moment that I had to tell my wife what had been happening, and I knew that it could result in an even deeper rejection than just the physical side, whether that was divorce or complete emotional detachment for the rest of my marriage. And at the same time I felt an incredible amount of guilt at the hurt and pain I knew she would feel at my betrayal. I had been hiding from that guilt and it all came crashing in on me at the same time the other crushing feelings were there. I never had such a profound event happen to me, and it got the better of me.
I will say that when I approached my wife, it was of the profusely apologetic side crying out in guilt for the pain I had caused. I'm sure she saw the other part of it, but it wasn't the sole reason I was "on the floor" in my anguish. Maybe she felt equal parts disgust and pity for me and just couldn't decide how to react so she just didn't show much.
I know you are not trying to be harsh. Believe me I am much harsher with myself than you could ever be. I look back on that night and the few nights afterwards with complete disgust at myself. The suicidal thoughts were completely not my normal persona, despite my low self-esteem, and I cannot believe now that I went there.
I do think your comment that you would be incredulous that I would be depressed at the loss of the OW would be a pretty common response for most people (common as in most people would do it not common as in "low grade"). I think most people would have a hard time empathizing with that sort of depression, because most people would identify me as being the "bad guy." You are not supposed to feel sorry for the bad guy, he is the one who has been doing wrong and he should either be sorry for what he did or be punished for it or both. But I felt the loss of the R with the OW the same as the death of a best friend, I don't know how else to explain it. The guilt I had over my actions just can't erase those feelings of loss. Remember also, that at the time her email to me did not explain what had truly happened. All I saw was her basically telling me to get lost, that I was bad for her. So this wasn't just a mutual decision that we were doing a bad thing, it felt like a personal rejection of me by someone who I thought I could trust, someone to whom I had bared my soul. I hope you can understand at least that part of it and not think poorly of me for my reaction. I know I did a bad thing, but I hope you won't see me as a "bad guy."
Most of the time I do hide my tears from my wife, especially the ones that still come periodically from my depression. I do want her to think of me as a strong man and try to rebuild our trust. I don't ever want to manipulate her with my tears, or for her to even for a moment think that is what I am doing. Frankly, I hate for people to see me cry. I even held back during the C sessions even though it was really hard at times. The only reason I admit it to you all is because this is anonymous, and I feel that when I am honest with you, you can help me the best.
I think knowing that the OW is working on her marriage and that things seem to be going well for them helps me stay disconnected from her. If I thought that her husband was abusing her like he did in the past or if that abuse was now worse, I would be sorely tempted to try to help.
D2^2 were fun tonight. They both gave me a big hug when I came home and tried to sing along with me when I read their story to put them to bed (we have a sing along Elmo book that they love). Did I mention I love to sing? S<1 was a bit fussy and pooped a lot, but he is sleeping now, much to the delight of my worn-out W. Thanks for asking.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
