This all seems clear to me in that your wife acts a lot like mind, except she isn’t so aggressive and volatile. But emotionally she is about 9 years old. My middle daughter, 12, seems to be a lot like her mother. When she is upset, she acts exactly the same way, venting and fuming around the house. But she has learned that when she is mad, she needs to reach out for the compassion she needs. She will sit in my wife’s lap, all the while spitting out her anger until she finally settles down.
My wife taught her to do this, since D was so much like her. Wife knew exactly what D wanted and needed. The funny thing is while W knows she needs this too, her ego is way too large to admit it. So she keeps up the walls, fumes and withdraws. My advice is based on the assumption that your wife is not nearly as obstinate as mine (I can hardly imagine anyone more so).
She will not open up anytime soon though. You will need to keep at it, without pressuring her and without getting to emotional or crying. My wife and daughter need to extract their pound of flesh before they are satisfied, so if they can see the other person is hurting and really sorry, then they feel vindicated. Just keep telling yourself you are dealing with a really hurt child, which you are.
