BINGO!! EXACTLY as I told you. This is NOT to toot my horn, but now we’ve got a handle on her!! Do you see? She puts up this front of not caring, distances and goes into emotional shutdown, but inside she is devastated by what you told her. The idealized woman is the other woman you speak of. She opened up a small crack, allowing you to see inside for a split second.
She is very hurt, but will not admit it or deal with it. I think your best bet is to profusely apologize, repeatedly and sincerely. Do not rationalize what you did, accept and acknowledge it EXACTLY as she sees it. Anything less will be denial to her. But do not grovel. She will not show it but she really needs support and validation. She wants someone to come and hold her and let her know everything will be alright.
She has not had the honesty from you she needs to restore her trust. I think you will have to level with her on how you feel and what you want. But you will also need to let her know how her avoidance has affected you (I know, you’ve told her this a 1000 times). Find an example she can relate to because right now she does not empathize with your feelings. Is there an example with the kids you could use? She is completely in tune with their emotions right now.
The problem I have with these people (my wife included) is though they may be connected and feel attached to you, they are too scared to show it. This means she was probably more attached to you than you realize. Your revelation to her was like a knife, a betrayal. But how would you know? This is very tough and I too live with it every day.
She will come around, but you must be patient and let her take her time. Though she will not talk to you, she is listening to every syllable. And while she pushes you away, she will be even madder if you do not keep approaching her to let her push you away. Think of this as her way of venting.
Just be aware, once she starts to open up, you’re really going to hear it. It could come out like a flood. Just take it and acknowledge it. She needs some sense of vengeance to process her anger. Do you see now why there is no way she could have sex with you, or even consider it. In fact, your asking any mad her madder since you seemed even more selfish after hurting her so massively.
For you, though, do not let your sense of guilt overwhelm you. She is just as dysfunctional and had a role to play in all of this. It is a learning experience for her as well as you.
