The saga continues

[chromosphere]

Now I know about "thread locking". I guess it is a maximum number of replies limit on the BB server setup. Well, the thread is continued here. LFL here is my reply to your third-to-last post on my earlier thread. I'll respond to the others soon.

I definitely feel taken for granted. I know my wife would probably say the same things as your best friend, if she ever talked about it. The fact that she would have difficulty supporting herself if I left is one of the reasons I don't feel I can leave. Its not the main reason (I love her and want to try to make things work) but it is something I have thought about. I couldn't live with myself knowing I had left her to such a difficult life.

Your next statement is scary to me for sure. I can say with some certainty that if she is still acting this way a few years from now, it will be hard for me not to seriously be thinking about leaving. I can't live like this forever. I'm not one of those saintly guys that can give up everything they want out of life and still be happy.

I'm am definitely going to have to work on my patience. I think you are right on the money when you say the W is probably going to stay clammed up for awhile, even in counseling. It will be frustrating for sure, and I am going to have to fight the urge to take it to extremes just to get her to say something, anything.

I can also feel that you are absolutely right about the W needing to put some effort in. Even in just the past few months, it seems like the few topics we have talked about, we have gone over and over and over with no real progress. I've got to get her to start reading some of these books or something. She did get on ivillage for awhile and was reading about "clashing libidos" but I think that lasted for all of two days. The W and I were doing Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue workbook for awhile there, but she said that she hated it because it was too sad. I think it was honeypot or hairdog or someone like that who was also having trouble getting their S to read. Maybe I'll try the one chapter at a time approach.

SILENT TREATMENT SUCKS!!!! If anyone uses it on their S, I highly recommend you reconsider. It is the worst thing you can do in my opinion (I guess short of physical abuse). I'd rather have my wife yell at me for a few hours than not speak to me for days.

[chromosphere]

This is actually a reply to LFL.

"I'd go so far as to say as a HD person and someone who obviously needs EC, it may be the very reason for your depression. Not a big shocker. Doesn't it feel somewhat better to post on this board? You want to have support right now and I can totally understand that, especially as someone who is still struggling with the after effects of A.
Chrissy made a point that your W maybe did not understand what you felt for OW? I doubt that, although you did not share exactly how much you told her. Did you make it clear to your W what this woman meant to you? I totally understand if you did NOT tell her all the details because it would only hurt her more. But she does need to know how this OW made you FEEL. She needs to know that you NEED that from her and that if she cannot provide these basic needs that you will seriously need to consider other options. I know that is harsh but without any consequences to back up your words, she will be much less likely to change."

It does feel better to post here and talk to people like your who truly understand me. I am very grateful to you and I hope that I can return the favor in some way in the future. The aftereffect of the EA are still with me and very strong. I find myself daydreaming a lot about OW, even a month later.

I'll have to admit that I did not make it absolutely clear how I felt about OW or what she meant to me. The C warned me not to give any details and basically to stop talking about it to the W saying it would just cause her unecessary pain. I've been trying to find ways to let the W know how OW made me feel and the things it made me aware of that I need without tying it to the EA. It is a difficult dance for sure, and I know my wife is probably smart enough to see me doing it.

The problem with the consequences that you mention is that I'm not at a place in my life right now where I can live with them either. Maybe that makes me weak and doomed to fail in my efforts to improve our R, I don't know. I'm trying to develop a backbone (or brass ones) but it will take awhile.

[chromosphere]

Another reply to LFL

"I promise to be more sensitive in the future about sharing my sexual escapades. Don't want you to "get ill" or hunt me down and kill me"

Just kidding about the getting ill. Please feel free to share as much as you want. I know it helps me to feel free to say anything and not worry about being judged harshly by you, and you should feel the same way about me.

And its you that are killing me, not the other way around.

[chromosphere]

"If not talking about every possible thing with our future spouses makes us stupid and naive I believe alot of us would be on the same boat. And without paddles."


"I do have a question for you. Not meaning this offensively so please do not take it as such.
How often does someone in your household cry. You refer to yourself and or your wife crying quite often in situations/discussions.(if not crying feeling the need to cry). I find it amazing that you are such a emotional person. I would probably get overwhelmed by it IRL but here in cyber world I find it amazing. And wondered how frequently this really happens for either you or your wife.
I hope you don't mind me asking."

I don't mind at all. Although I am a very emotional person, I don't let it out all the time. Most of the time I just cry to myself when I am reasonably sure she can't hear me (I'm not looking for sympathy in that way). I'd say I probably cry about every other day right now, just from the aftereffects of the EA and the frustrations I feel having to wait for things to get better. The wife doesn't cry much (unless she also does it when I'm not looking). She only does it sometimes when we talk and get on topics she doesn't like. Most of the time she just says she doesn't want to talk anymore.

"Also on another note are your twins identical? You see so many twins these days but seldom are they identical. Another thing I find amazing."

No they are fraternal ... very much so.

"Hope you are having a relaxing evening"
Sort of. Didn't bring up any big topics last night. Just prodded her about possibly buying a hot tub next summer with some of the extra money I'm going to get (you know what I'm thinking). She got a little defensive because she wants to get lasec (sp?) surgery for her eyes. We should have enough money to do both. Oh well.

[cinemanymph]

globule,

You can find the latest on my story here and here. My story is presented in bits and pieces starting in July of 2004. You can find it here

I went to the VAST website and Music For the People is on my list to buy.

The last new album I bought was Musicology... hip me to the funk, artist formerly known as Prince, I am a true funk soldier.

I don't hear much new music unless I catch it on the short ride to work. Is there anything in the last few years that jumps out at you as a must have cd?

[cinemanymph]

I am reading your post with interest.

My past experience as a LDW is fresh enough to relate to your W. I have said before that there seems to be a perception that low desire people enjoy the power that their dimished sexuality gives them, the opposite couldn't be more true. It is heartbreaking to feel that one's body doesn't respond in the way it is meant to. Having experienced both LD and HD, I can definetly say that HD is a preferable state of being. For chronic LD people HD is hard to achieve and maintain. It's worth the effort.

What is your objective for your R? Do you see any way that you and your W can align your objectives?

You know the awesome feeling that an R that works can give you. Unfortunately that knowledge came from a source of pain for your W. Are you looking to duplicate the feelings you experienced in your EA with your W?

[LustForLife]

Morning Globule
I'm going to get some much needed "real" work done, catch up on the posts (it's like Grand Central Station around here Monday mornings!) and get back to you on the several posts you just left me. Hope you had a good night!

[chromosphere]

Thanks cinema! When I get a chance this week I'll read through your story.

I have only downloaded some of VAST's songs. Please let me know if there are any of them that jump out at you off that album. I do have most of the songs on their first album (called VAST just like their group name), and they are pretty good too. I have always wanted to ML with "Flames" playing in the backgroud. (Sigh)

Must have recent CD's (IMHO)
Coldplay: Rush of Blood to the Head, X&Y
Gavin Degraw: Chariot
Howie Day: Stop All the World Now
Lifehouse: Lifehouse, No Name Face
Evanescence: Fallen
Gorillaz: Demon Days
Keane: Hopes and Fears

I also love dance music (Pon de Replay from Rihanna and Switch from Will Smith are two of my current favorites).

There are a lot more, but those are good starters. Download Itunes from the Macintosh website and you can preview songs from the album (or you can do the same from amazon.com). Of course you could just download one song at a time and make your own playlists (what I do).

Here is the playlist I currently listen to in the car (a mix of some brand new, some a few years old)
Pon de Replay - Rihanna
Switch - Will Smith
Feel Good, Inc - Gorillaz
I Don't Know - Erika
I Don't Wanna Be - Gavin Degraw
Collide - Howie Day
Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer
Can't Get You Out of My Head - Kylie Minogue
Lady - Lenny Kravitz
Fly Away - Lenny Kravitz
You and Me - Lifehouse
Hanging By a Moment - Lifehouse
Learning to Fly - Tom Petty
Flames - VAST
Amour - Rammstein
Only Time - Enya
Return to Innocence - Enigma

[chromosphere]

"My past experience as a LDW is fresh enough to relate to your W."
Great news! I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get your perspective on her and her actions. If you have any questions about us that you think might help give you clearer advice, please ask! Nothing is off limits as I do desperately want our M to work. I'll probably directly ask you for your take on certain events as things go along too. I think your perspective can help me figure things out.

"For chronic LD people HD is hard to achieve and maintain. It's worth the effort. "
I am definitely going to read your thread if you talk about how you did it. If not, I am definitely going to be asking you questions from time to time about it. If you have the time, maybe you can summarize some of the high points in your journey from LD to HD.

"What is your objective for your R? Do you see any way that you and your W can align your objectives?"
I want the following things (in no particular order)
(A) a healthy, active sex life that both of us are happy with where we both initiate, we both are open to experimentation, and we both see it as the ultimate act of love
(B) a healthy amount of affection. Hugs, kisses, caresses, massages, etc. etc. etc. should be prevalent in our interaction with each other.
(C) I want a healthy communication about our relationship. If I'm not meeting her needs, I want to know. If she is not meeting mine, I want her to be open to me talking about it.
(D) I want to do things with her, vacations, night-out-on-the-town, or just watching movies at home together. I want to do things with her without the kids, and with the kids both.

Well, let me explain what the feelings were for OW and maybe you can help me decide if they are worth duplicating
(A) I felt like I could say anything and she would listen to me, understand me, and not judge me
(B) I felt like we had the same general goals in life
(C) I felt passion when she looked at me, or smiled at me, or on those brief instances when we touched
(D) I felt like she cared about me
(E) I felt like she was willing to make time for me
(F) I felt like she admired me
(G) I felt like she was attracted to me physically
(H) I felt like it wouldn't have been much effort to get into a mode where we could ML (although that is a guess)
(I) I felt like she would be open to doing new things
(J) And everything that I just mentioned I felt for her in return and she appreciated it openly

[chromosphere]

"Hope you had a good night!"
Well it wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as Friday. Starting over from ground zero again is tough.

Are you making excuses again about not answering my posts? What did I already tell you about that? Don't make me come down there and ... uhhh ... that getting in shape doesn't have anything to do with kickboxing or karate does it????