I am having some anger issues I think. Maybe its because I have never shown any anger towards H, even after all that has happened. But lately I have noticed that even the littlest things just set me off!! And of course I dont direct them to H, because I am afraid? I don't know. Maybe its because a long time ago, when he first said he was unhappy, he said that all we did was fight, so now I am afraid to show anger.
I think a lot of it might have to be with the fact that OW will never totally be out of our lives unless H makes a decision that "her family" is not all that important as I am. Its like he does every thing to appease that family. They say "JUMP" and he says "how high and when"! UGH!!!
The reason I say this is because of this wedding that is coming up. Sucks! I still so dont want to go, but for some reason H thinks we need to. I cant believe he will not feel uncomfortable. OW's mom and sister know about the affair. Who knows, maybe he still doesnt think of it as an affair, I just dont know.
OW's sister is one getting married, up in WY, which is a 6-7 hr drive for us, only 1.5 days after we get back from AZ for 5 days! What the hell makes him think I want to spend MY time off, which I dont ever get much, traveling up to see HER and HER FAMILY??
Last weekend we were going to go shopping and then out to eat and later meet up with OW's sister and fiance to go play bingo. Yes, I said bingo. Well, H called them and the wanted us to come over for pizza, I said I did not want pizza, so then he invited them to come eat with us. I know, he probably thought it was no big deal, but I just wanted us to go out and have nice supper. Plus, it kills to listen to her bring up subjects about her sister and watch H listen and laugh. BLECH!! I dont want to hear about her!! I know that if so many other people would have found out about the affair, things would be so different. So why did God not let every one else find out? There must be a reason.....but I hate it!!
OH, then H offers to pick up OW's brother from airport for wedding and take him and his wife up day early. I set my foot down. I said no. What is he thinking!!! Why is he no thinking about ME!! It seems to be all about them! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
So anyways, other than me having anger issues and not knowing how to deal with them, things are pretty good. Not looking forward to the holidays though just for that reason. I have to see HER! Im afraid of what I might do or say or how it will make me feel. Will we come back from this wedding stronger or weaker than we are now? I just want to cry my eyes out. Something I have not done in a long, long time!!
Anyways, sorry to vent, but I figured this is the best place to do it!
oh and here is my weekly forcast:
Your week ahead: There's no point in worrying about something that has already happened. There's nothing you can do to change it. And there's no point in worrying about something that may happen in the future. When the time comes, you will either be fine or you won't. Why, then, waste energy becoming concerned? Having dealt with yesterday and tomorrow, let us turn our attention to today. Is there any point in worrying about what's happening now? No. You just have two choices. Deal with it, or cope with it. Try the former first. This week brings a challenge that you don't need to worry about, but that you do need to be clear, firm and decisive about.
On December 5 you said "Now, almost 2 years and a WHOLE LOTTA LEARNING later, I finally feel safe and secure enough in my M to say that we are definately a DB success story!"
Now, just ten days later you are talking about how much the OW is still involved in your lives. How can the comments above be valid with OW still so involved? I don't want to do anything than challange you to take a very close look at your sitch in an effort to deal with the reality of it head on. Can you really be a DB success story and feel safe and secure in your M AND have all of these issues with OW and a H that is putting the OW ahead of you, your needs and your M?
Again, please take these comments in the helpful way they are being presented. Perhaps there is a bit more work to be done?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Well, I do in the sense feel as if we are a success story because DB helped us to be where we are today. H is not having an affair and he is more involved in my life than he ever was!!
Ok, OW is not DIRECTLY in our lives. And maybe I am the one still "putting" her in our lives indirectly. How do I not know that if H was doing all these things for other friends that were NOT OW family, I would still feel the same way. I do think that I would. Ok. So that is an issue I need to address and work on and talk to my H about. I did not say that things were "perfect", I just said I felt we were finally a success story.
I do not feel that OW is still or will ever be a threat to our M again. I guess I just wish she would just disappear from our lives. But, H has been friends with this family since they were in HS together and I am sure that will never change either. This wedding we are going to will be the first time H has had any contact with OW since almost a year ago. I dont know what he thinks it will be like, but I can guarantee it will not be as easy for him as he thinks. I think they will both be uncomfortable and probably just avoid each other. I guess I will just have to wait and see. I do feel we will come back from this wedding stronger. H will see just how wonderful I am! Hows that for positive attitude???
Some great thoughts and comments there. So perhaps H is over the OW but you still are not. That is a very commen problem and one that you can certainly work on. If H has let go of the A but you continue to bring it back and put it front and center, that will cause problems. On the other hand, if H has not given up the OW and you sense this, it is again something that can't be swept under the rug or it will never allow you to put your M back together. I cannot at all tell you which is is. Perhaps it's a little of both? Who knows. All I can say is that from reading what you have written, it would seem that there are still OW issues going on here that have to be dealt with. Don't allow the temptation to sweep them under the rug because that will just cause more problems in your R. You are looking at this with a very honest eye. I think that is great and is so important to dealing with it. Keep at it and hang in there. Keep up with the honesty and the communication with H to get OW behind you for once and for all.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Quote: If H has let go of the A but you continue to bring it back and put it front and center, that will cause problems.
Yes, this is very true. But at this time, I think it is onl affecting me. I dont talk to my H about these things I think about. What could he do? Get angry? Reassure me? I dont know, but obviously its only bothering me, so I need to find a way to deal with it.
I do honeslty feel that H is with me in mind, body and spirit though. OW is not a thought in his brain anymore. The little things that he does for me, they just let me know that he is honestly thinking about me and making sure I am happy.
I guess I just really need to let the past, be in the past...and thats why after this wedding, it will be a brand new year, a clean, fresh new start. That will be MY new years goal anyways!
I thought everyone who comes to these boards would get something out of this!
Staying Afloat Amidst The Spin Taking Things Personally Every time you interact with others, you have the choice to listen to, acknowledge, and let go of their words, or you can take what they are saying personally. Taking things personally is often the result of perceiving a person's actions or words as an affront or slight. In order to take something personally, you must read negative intent in an individual's words or actions. But what people do and say has no bearing upon you and is usually based on their own experiences, emotions, and perceptions. If you attempt to take what they do or say personally, you may end up feeling hurt without reason.
If you are tempted to take a comment or action personally, creating some distance between yourself and the other person can help you. Try to determine what is at the root of your feelings. Ask yourself if the other person's words or actions are just reinforcing some insecurity within you or if you can really be sure that an offense was intended. You may even want to ask them what they meant. Finally, put yourself in the other person's shoes. Instead of taking their words as the truth, or as a personal affront, remember that whatever was said or done is based on their opinion and is more reflective of what is going on inside of them, rather than having anything to do with you. You may have been an easy target for someone having a bad day, and their comments may have been offered with no ill intentions.
When you recognize that what anyone says or does doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you, you will no longer feel hurt or attacked. While it's easy to take things personally, you should never let anyone's perceptions or actions affect how you see yourself or your worth. Your life is personal to you, and it is up to you to influence your own value and sense of well-being.
UGH!! I am a freaking mess about this upcoming weekend. I sooooo dont want to go, but there is no way I am letting H go alone.
We just had great week with his family down in AZ. I think he also observed how well I treat him and how well we getg along.I also apologized for if I had ever treated him like that. His sisters dont talk very nicely to their husbands and it was a bit uncomfortable at times. They complained about all the things their H didnt do for them, and I told them all the things their brother did for me. I thought it was more important that they hear all the good things he does for me!
Also the mention of kids from family members came up quite a bit..I left the answers to H. He didnt say much, but at least it wasnt a definate, NO answer.
Anyways, last nite, I told him how happy I was and that I think we that we have a great marriage. Then I kissed him 3 times on the lips and said, "I love kissing you on the lips and I am going to start doing it more often." And he said "OH Yea". Then I layed back down and then went back and whispered in his ear, "one more thing, I love you" and I layed back down. I saw the smile on his face after I said it and it really felt good. I usually hold back, think about it too much and then decide not to. NOPE, not last night, I decided it was time to start doing what I feel like doing. Who knows, maybe if me taking the fist step and doing these things, he will in turn follow. Maybe he is as afraid as I am to start doing certaing things!
Me saying ILY, was first time since our talk about 3-4 months ago, and it was just said matter of factly then, not with any real emotion like it was last nite.
So, I am afraid about having to see OW this weekend. I do not know how H will be or how he will act around her. I am afraid of that "yucky stomach" feeling I am sure I will get. But I am going to TRY to put on my biggest "act as if" face and make sure I look absolutely beautiful so that H cannot take his eyes off of me!!
Here is a suggestion you might use as One way you could keep you mine occupied on "AS IF".
Make sure I've got sexy lingerie on - and make sure that H gets a peek!
You could even make it a point to do it all the time you are away (would be bad to do it at home also but start it with the trip and it will make you be a the graetest memory of the trip to your H).
Sometimes knowing what you are wearing underneath can influence how you feel and act. It will make you feel more sensual and that will come out in how you act. It would also put thoughts in you H mind reminding him about the sure thing he already has.
This might be a 180 for you to work on. Confidence with you own sexuality and sensuality is a big turn on for men
I had made the following suggestion on another thead.
KLM said about the suggestion LOL!!! I did exactly this when I was winning my H back. It's been 3 years and they're STILL in the console of his truck!!!
Ellie
and IamTJ comment on the suggestion was Oh my. I tell you what it would make me do....stand up and holler "Check Please! NOW!"
What an incredible idea!
This is a suggestion that I have fantizied about myself and definately push the envelope for you.
When you go to dinner with him wear a sensual dress and the sexiest panties you have, during the dinner excuse youself to go to the restroom. Remove your panties. Return to the table then slyly tell him you have something to give him, give him a kiss and slip him the panties. This would turn the sexy lingerie suggestion up a noch. It will make him wonder and drive him crazy. His mind will be on nothing else but you the rest of the night, or atleast it would for me.
Hows that for positive attitude??? 