Me 33 H 28 Aug 03- H said INILWY and that he wasnt happy. H had EA for 6 months from April 04-Sept 04 with old HS Classmate he thought he had been in love with since HS!He traveled to Vegas every month to spend time w/ OW who was married. H was friends with them AND their entire family...they grew up together. Sept 04 - We started our long, hard road back to US! September 05...we celebrated our 3 year anniversary!! Things are looking good!
Ok...I want to post some goals...since things are good, just to see what things I want us to improve on.
1. I want to be able to communicate my feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, when they first arise, instead of putting them off and letting them get to me. 2. I want to be able to approach the subject of children and have H be willing to listen. 3. I want us to say "I love you" to each other ...in person. 4. I want H to take my feelings into consideration when making decisions. 5. I want H to INITIATE a hug or a kiss.
2much, I also established severeal goals and was advis34ed by friends on this boiard notto have goals that we do not have a direct control over. I think your goals #4 and #5 fall in this category. IMHO.
Quote: BUT, I could make them some of my MARRIAGE goals, right?
2much, I am struggeling with the same question. What I learn from my My latest life I cannot make my W do anything she doesn't want to. I have no control over her thoughts, feelings, behavior, etc.
I had a goal couple of weeks ago to have more physical contact with W. I failed to achieve this goal. It is her decision. I hope it will work out for you, though!
My latest life Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill
I'm a big lurker on this board...thinking of starting a thread here...maybe...
My 2 cents on the issue: Goals should be small, attainable, and things YOU can control because they have to do with your behavior.
In the DR book "goals" are sometimes used to mean "benchmarks" in a marriage. In other words, when M.W.D says to make a list of goals regarding what you want to see in your marriage, she means a list of things that will tell you that your R is headed in the right direction (or at least in a better direction). She didn't mean in this particular case that these goals/benchmarks would be things that you, yourself could do alone. I would have prefered that she used the word "benchmarks" instead of "goals" in this case because it would have been more appropriate.
I get what she's saying, but I think the symantics confuse the issue a little for those of us who have always been big on goals.
2much - read your last update on your last thread. Can I come hit him with a 2X4 for you? I mean damn, that's just mean. Okay, I take a step back now, was he saying he was going to do the Wedding and Thanksgiving with out you or were you invited too? (If not, I'm coming with that 2X4!)
Okay, well on that note then, look at it this way. I know you don't want OW in your life in anyway but maybe there is a positive spin to it. He's not going without you. If there was anything to worry about or if he was having second thoughts about your R, he wouldn't want you there. But he does. This is your chance to show him you can put the past behind you and be the wonderful you that you are.
(Not sure if that helps any, but i'm trying. And yes, if it were me, I would think it sucks too!)
Friendships or marriages based on dire need or physical security are doomed to fail if each person in the relationship does not grow beyond his or her limited ways of thinking and reacting.
The ideal relationship is one in which each partner strives to grow. It is an ever-expanding commitment, mutually supportive of healthy interdependence; a healthy relationship encourages the seeking of wider mental and spiritual horizons; it is never threatened permanently by them.
TODAY Do I give my loved ones enough room to grow? Do I encourage my friends or mate to do things without me? Am I threatened by change or do I welcome it? Do I have the courage to do things on my own, even if my loved ones do not give me support? Do I have the courage and consideration to share my changes with those I love?
Let the purpose of all marriages and friendships alike be the deepening of the spirit and the enrichment of the soul.
