OMG! I just about had this finished and then somehow I lost it! So, here I go again.
8-25 H and I took the baby and went to get something to eat. We talked about how I acted the night before. He told me that L told him that I did exactly the opposite of what he told me to do. L told me to pack his stuff and tell him to leave. H told L that is what I should have done that I should have stuck up for myself. Anyway, H said that he told L "she tried to tackle me L." We laughed. H said that we would probably look back on that and laugh five years from now. I sure hope so. Anyway, with H's new job he gets to buy a new vehicle to use for a company truck. So, he was taking me to look at a truck that he had seen last night. Things seemed to be a lot better and almost normal even though I know that it is too soon for that. The rest of the evening went well.
After that night nothing else was said about any of what had happened. Things were getting better. Now, we still had some times of awkward silence, but it was not as often. Back when things blew up that one night before I found those stupid panties H told me that if I had noticed he wasn't saying I love you to me much it was b/c he was pissed b/c he felt like I was fishing for him to say it. We talked a long time ago about how if you say it all the time they just turn into words you say out of habit. Anyway, H has started telling me he loves me again. I do love him very much, but just for that reason I usually let him say it first. I say it too though. I can tell it pisses H off when I am constantly asking who it was on the phone or who that message was from,etc. But I can't help that. He doesn't say anything really about it though. I also still feel the need to check his cell phone dialed, received, and missed calls. Also I check sent and received text messages. So far nothing has shown up. I also check the online phone bill for recent calls or messages that might show up. So far he has been true to his word not to contact OW, well as far as I can see anyway. I figure that the Lord will allow me to find things I am supposed to find and I will find it when I am supposed to if there is something to find. So, things kept getting better and that brings us to 9-12.
9-12 I should start this day by saying that H got a new company cell phone, so I will no longer be able to check the phone records. I will still check his missed, dialed, and received calls. Also text messages when I get a chance to look at the new phone. His old phone is still in working order for the time being.
Well, H left before I did this morning for work. I was all ready to go when I got the urge to check his old cell phone for recent activity. Well, I turned it on and there was 1 new text message. It was from OW! It said "I still miss you." Ok, first reaction was to freak and puke, but I got to thinking. 1. He really hasn't talked to her since he told me he wouldn't b/c surely they are both smart enough not to use that cell phone b/c I can trace any call to the bill immediately. 2. He had not given her his new company cell number. 3. She could be an even if he isn't talking to her she still misses him message and her last attempt at him. If I had been smart I would have called her and told her to leave my husband the hell alone, but I didn't. I did, however, take H's old phone to work with me in case she messaged or called again. When I got to work I looked on the online bill to see when she sent it. It was either this morning or the day before. So, I knew what it looked like when she sent him a message. I mean what it looked like on the bill when she messaged him. It came up his phone number. Which pretty much explains some other text messages that I noticed on the bill that came up his number. I pretty much figured out I think that when an incoming message comes in it shows up H's number on the bill and when he messages it shows the person's number that he sent the message too. So, the messages I couldnt' account for were incoming and some of them I knew who they could have been too bc I was with him when he got them. And of course I asked about them. :-)
Well, I started messing with his phone and for some reason I decided to look under sent multi-media messages. These are text messages that you can attatch a picture to that you take with your camera phone. Well what do you think I found! Messages that he had sent to OW! My heart sank. Once again I felt my blood turn cold. Now, most of those messages were stupid, but there were 2 of them that broke my heart. BUT the call time and date indicated that these messages WERE sent BEFORE he said he wouldn't talk to OW anymore. That still didn't take the hurt away. The first message that bugged me was a picture of H and L's motorcycles next to each other and it said "Aren't these bad ass, wish you were here to ride with us, I miss you so much!" Stab to heart #1. That tells me that he evidentally took her on rides in Dallas and makes me never want to get on the stupid thing again, but the next one hurt the most. It was a picture of step-daughter with her tiarra/crown on and it said "This is a bad picture, but she loved it. I almost cried. I love you so much, miss you!" I thought I was going to puke. I mean could a married man fall that quickly in love with a woman other than his wife and the mother of his newborn baby in only 3 weeks? I didn't know what to do so I called a friend of mine. She said that she didn't think that was possible. She said he may have just been caught up in what was going on at home and work and she was his support. He could have just been saying what she wanted to hear and he could feel stupid now for saying something like that. She told me that I needed to figure out if he was still talking to her and if he was he needed to GO! I agreed there, but I had no evidence that he had been in contact with her since he said he wouldn't. She said something to me that really made sense. First time, shame on him. Second time, shame on me! I still didn't know what to do. Things seemed so much better and like I said maybe he feels dumb now for even saying that. So, I decided that for now I would say nothing, but keep my eyes open. I couldn't help how my feelings were hurt though. I was pretty mad too. I went home and tried to act as normal as I can, but it was strange. My attitude changed a little bit. When H would mess with me and tease me normally I would have played the passive sissy girl, but instead I was I'm not scared of you independent woman kind of attitude. Funny thing is that H really seemed to respond better to me like that. Like he liked when I was like that. Then I thought. That is how I used to be a long time ago and then somehow I got to be so dependent and passive where H was concerned. This is what he wanted back. This is what he means when he says he wants me to be like I used too. So, things actually got even better. I still struggled with the issue of if I was going to mention the messages or not. I felt so sneaky. I would carry his old cell with me and then replace it exactly in the position it was in last time he saw it. He must not realize that those messages were there or else he would have already deleted them or at least taken his phone with him. Well, my cell phone went dead at school one day. So, I plugged it up when I got home. I was able to talk to H on the phone as long as it was plugged in. I was about to go somewhere and I told H that I thought I would just take his old phone since mine wouldn't charge yet. He aid ok. He was going to get a haircut before he came home. Well then we got off the phone and he walked in the door before I could leave. He said he was changing clothes or something. I figured he had just realized those messages were on there b/c when I picked up the phones to see which one had the most charge he said that those nokias charge pretty quick and darn it they both had the same charge so I no longer had a reason to use his old phone. Well, I left before he did to go to the bank and the grocery store. Oh, did I mention when he walked in earlier I was on the computer. He was very suspicious of that. He asked what I was doing. I said just checking my e-mail. Ok, then I left. I was at the bank and up drives H on his bike. He said they couldn't get him in today, so he went to the store with us. That was odd normally I would have thought he would have just gone home. Maybe he was really trying. Then the next day I had to go get my nails done and he was going to get his hair cut again. After his haircut he showed up at the nail place and sat with me while I got my nails done. Hmmm? I liked it. I knew that. When we got home both days I checked the old cell to see if he had deleted those messages, if he had I would say something and it would give me good reason too, but he hadn't. Which pretty much confirmed he didn't know they were there. In a way I wish he had before I found them. Anyway, we went to my sister's house one night and I truly on accident forgot my phone at her house. So, the next day I asked H if I could take his phone. He said yes, he didn't care. So I took it no big deal. The messages were still there. Don't ask me why I tortured myself, but I felt sick every time I looked at them. Well, the fact that he didn't care if I took it made me feel better. So, I no longer carried it. I just checked it when I got home each day. OW never called or messaged that phone again. I deleted that message she sent last, so H never got it. I kept looking on the online phone bill to see if there was any activity on H's part. I didn't find any. I thought this is good b/c it means maybe she gave up and then I thought bad b/c she may not have called or messaged it b/c they were talking some other way. Like he contacted her to give her his new number or they were talking on the internet, but surely he wouldn't do that under my nose. I don't know if any of my rationalizing makes sense or if that is exactly what I am doing. If I don't want to believe what is right in front of me. But I did have a legit reason when/if I mention those messages as to why I had his phone now. Tha way I don't look as sneaky.
9-16 Well, this week H is getting ready for a big week next week at work. He has big bosses coming in for the open house of H's new shop and also for a golf tournement for people in the oilfield. H is not a golf player, but is going to have to get used to it with his new position. He is now a salesmen and sells the jobs that the guys do that H used to do. He used to call himself "oilfield trash." We had a dinner the next Wed. and Thurs. night at the country club. Big change for us! Anyway, since I found those messages I have been checking H's company phone whenever I can. This morning I checked it while he was in the shower. I didn't really find anything except there was a text message that was in his "drafts" which meant it hadn't been sent yet. It said "Here is my new number so you have it, it was good seeing you again. H." That bugged me b/c last week H spend 2 days working out of town talking to company men, etc. The town he was in is an hour and a half from home, but you have to go through there to get to Dallas. I worried that OW might have met him there, but that message was pretty vague. It could have been a company man he hadn't seen in a while or something. And besides if it was her wouldn't she already have his number to have set up the meeting and it probably would have been a little more personal than that. Also, I talked to H both days he was there working and it sounded legit and he sounded alone or I could here his work buddies in the background. So, I decided I wasn't going to let something as vague as that bother me.
9-17 Well, today we went with H's sister to take her girls and step-daughter to the fair. H actually rubbed my back and put his arm around me and held my hand! He initiated all this on his own. This is the first time he has done this! He also held my hand in the car. And then that night in bed he told me he wanted to make love to me. It wasn't just sex like before. We actually felt something ya know? Things were so much better.
9-19 Things seemed to get better every day. H had to work late tonight to cook and get ready for their open house the next day, so the baby and I went to keep him company and meet his new boss and everyone. It was nice.
9-20 I went on my lunch break to eat with H at his open house. It was nice to be included. Then that night after it was over H and I ran back to his shop to get some left overs to take home for dinner. While he ran inside I decided to look at his phone. I noticed that draft message was still there unsent. All other calls were legit. So, we went home. THen for some reason I asked to use his phone and he was messing with it when I asked. So I walked in the bedroom with it. I noticed that the draft was gone. It freaked me out. He had deleted it. I was in there for a while so he came to check on me. Guess he was wondering if I was snooping b/c when we got out of the car I asked who called and he told me and asked if that was ok. Anyway, I was really bothered that he deleted that message and really debated on if i should mention the other messages or not. But instead I went in the den while he was cleaning his golf clubs and told him I was sorry for all the questions. He said questions about what. I said the phone and everything. He said well, he figured I would get over it eventually either that or it will drive us both crazy. He said that is how he knows we will never get back to where we were. I told him that we would too. He said that there are days when he knows we will too, but then I start digging again and he worries we won't. Well, I decided to drop it. I told him I would get better about it. And we left it at that. Because it really could have been to anyone. Then I decided that at some point I was going to have to start trying to trust him again and give him the benefit of the doubt again. I decided that this would be as good a time to start as any. Everything happens for a reason and I would find out when and if I was supposed to that is if there is anything to find out.
9-21 Well, we went to the first dinner at the country club. It was fun. H told me I looked really good. Then when we got there he introduced me to some people and some of the guys joked with him saying that isn't the woman you were with earlier. NOT FUNNY! But I knew they were joking and didn't know why it wasn't funny. Anyway, they started playing music there were a few couples out dancing and then they played "When A Man Loves A Woman" and H asked me if I wanted to dance. So we danced. He held me very close. He kissed me several times and told me he loved me. This was awesome. It felt almost like we used to be. That night we went home and made love again. The next morning we did again and this time he looked at me and said he had missed me so much. He said he had missed us. I said I had too, but we were back. Things really felt good again. The other night when we were on our way somewhere he said things were finally falling into place for us. I really felt a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders since I stopped driving myself crazy checking up on him. Now I am sure I will check here and there, but not as much. And I do still wonder about his phone calls, etc. And H sometimes just tells me he had a phone call and is very vague about things I think sometimes b/c he wants to see if I am really trying to not worry about it.
So, I actually think that is pretty much it. I am sure I left something out somewhere and if I think of anything I will add it.
Well, is there anything I should do different? Things seem good now, afraid to rock the boat. They are still getting better. He and the baby are great too! He seems to be trying really hard. Is this worth saving, it is to me. I just wonder if I am being stupid. I am willing. I am hoping that my thoughts in the back of my mind will eventually go away. I want to feel like I am the only one and have always been the only one he has ever loved. I want us to get back like we were if not better. Any suggestions. I am willing to chalk this all up to him being in Iraq and impairing his judgement. Anyway, Is it even possible to get back the awesome relationship we had and eventually pride our relationship on the fact that we can trust the other again? Just need opinions. Any questions or if you need more details in order to understand or make suggestions I will be happy to add them. Again, I can't thank you enough for hanging in there with me. I am finally finished. YAY! I look forward to hearing your thoughts. Have a great day and I will check back later!
