There is not chance of working through this by detaching again?
Not only detaching, but distancing yourself. You have to outdistance the distancer. That means dropping the rope completely. It means not involving him in your life at all. That means not being affectionate to him, not making love to him, not saying "ILY", not planning your days according to his schedule. It means you living your own life, never taking him into account. It means doing everything without him, not inviting him into your life to participate at all.
And if he draws close in response, it means you having to stay distant, always distancing yourself, never drawing close. Then he may draw closer when he internally realizes the shift that causes him to feel differently about what he wants. And only then are you in a position to point out where he needs help. But then, it's still a guess as to if he'll 1. see it and 2. get the help he needs and 3. make the changes.
In the meantime, you will not ever have the true intimacy you seek.
Do otherwise, and this is a perpetual dance you'll be locked into, just as you have been, never going nowhere but down - till it ends ugly and abruptly.
