Being me!

[WindyCityBeth]

Anna -

Saw your post earlier but wanted to think about it before I started my lengthy post (sorry for the hijack BQT!).

can you please explain what detachment meant for you? In practical terms? What did you *do* differently?

I guess what I have realized is that there are different types of detachment. And different levels within each type. You still with me? I'll try to explain each.

First is physical detachment. This is where you separate yourself from your S. In the sense where you aren't in each others presence. Even if you are in the same house, you can be in different rooms. Or, like you and me, our S lives somewhere else. For me, the physical separation has been useful in getting rid of reminders around the house. I don't see him all the time therefore I don't think about him all the time.

The second is a verbal detachment. You don't communicate as much with your spouse. The whole mysterious thing! I pretty much stick with the topics of kids and work. This is where you avoid R talk.

Third is emotional detachment. This is probably the hardest. And the one, at least in my case, that has helped me cope the best. I am truly trying to let go of my obsession with the OW and their relationship. I spent the last 10 months wondering how much he talked to her on the phone. How many text messages he sent her. How many times they met for lunch. Was he at her place. How much sex were they having. And on and on. It got to the point that it was on my brain almost every minute of every waking hour. And it took such a toll on me. I kept comparing myself to her. Trying to figure out what I needed to do to be better than her. Sexier, prettier, a better conversationist, whatever. I was trying to be everything but me! And I lost me along the way. Big time.

So when I decided to really detach, I did all three. I asked him to move out, I talked to him much less (but was always cordial and nice, never mean or demeaning), and I really did the emotional detachment. I no longer wonder what he is doing with OW. And I really don't care. I figure he probably spends every available moment he can with her. Fine. I'm not concerned about it anymore. I can't control that.

So I focus on me. I started working - probably the best thing I've done. It is so nice to have people tell me that I'm doing such a good job and that they enjoy having me working there. I have spent the last five years having H tell me that I was fat, a slob, and basically couldn't do anything very well. Lost alot of self esteem. It was like no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I'm probably making it sound worse than it really was, but my LL is WOA and I got none of that while being a stay-home mom. It was tough. I guess I'm really reflecting back on me. What do I want. What are my needs. What do I want out of my M or any relationship for that matter. It was amazing when I really shifted my focus from H to me, I started seeing him change. The Beth he originally fell in love with was coming back. Not the one I had changed into trying to please everyone but really not going anywhere. I lost myself. Now I'm finding her.

I guess I would say that for me, detaching emotionally, especially from the A and the OW, has been the big difference for me now. I hope you see that by allowing yourself to get so upset about what H is doing that you are not allowing yourself to move forward. Your ASSumptions are holding you back. I think that once you get back to work and find the praise and affirmation that you need there that you might find this level of detachment easier to do. Between work and angelbabies your mind will be occupied most of the day and Rob will just be another thing you'll think about when you have a second but then will move on cause you have 20 million other things to do!

Hope I haven't rambled too much here and that I have helped you understand what I've been doing.

WCB