Passive aggression is the control technique he uses on you. It is conscious, but can become second nature. One of my brother in laws, L, is like this to an extreme. His wife M is VERY controlling, and was told so by both her sisters. Yet she still has problems acknowledging or seeing this. We are all blind to our own issues.
I mentioned to my wife that L was complaining about all the animals (horses, dogs, cats, birds) they have, and about M’s controlling attitudes. When my wife asked M about theses things, M said L had no issues at all. HE was the one who wanted to buy the horses, who encouraged her to buy the birds, etc. So L was saying two things to different people. He cannot speak his mind to his wife since he knows he will either hurt her feelings (no I don’t want you to have those pets) or she will get angry (L, I have a right to buy those pets. Don’t tell me what to do!). So he says everything is OK to keep the peace. Yet he sulks and withdraws.
After my wife and her sister jumped all over M, she seems to have taken some of this in. L responded to M’s efforts and said he would do all he could to work on himself. He felt safer and was finally able to say this. You cannot grab a turtle by the nose and force him to come out of his shell. Just like the story of the competition between the wind and the sun about who could blow off the man’s coat. The harder the wind blew, the tighter the coat was held. When the warm, peaceful sun came out, the coat came off.
Which brings me to another point. Be careful what you ask for. Once you empower your husband, he could want more.
You may have come a long way from your angry days, but I think he is still hesitant and not fully trusting you yet. He says he trusts you on an intellectual level, but he may not realize that his emotional defenses are still up. I doubt he has done anything to process these feelings and understand what he is doing.
For now I would specifically try to talk through any issues to be sure you give him the full opportunity to express himself. Ask some questions to be sure he isn’t withholding anything, then mirror back to him what he has said and say “that makes sense to me”. This will let him know you are listening to him. If you see any contradictions in his comments, ask about them. Take the attitude you would in helping your child to learn to assert herself at school. Let him also know how his withholding hurts your feelings, as opposed to protecting your feelings (as he thinks).
