You seem to get very defensive anytime I mention anything about you, and yet I am only trying to point out how I see things from his perspective and what role you play in that. I didn’t imply those things you just said, yet you did interpret my comments that way. I absolutely believe you when you state the things you did. My point is that even though you may feel that way, he may not. And he may not be telling you.
Your defensiveness is curious in that you seem to feel I am attacking you personally and criticizing all the efforts you do. Your efforts are not in question. But your tone and the aggressiveness in your response is at issue. What I hear is denial of what he feels. You are wanting to talk for him. This is a biggie for passive aggressive people. To others it is nothing since they have stronger boundaries, but for him, it can put him back into his shell quickly.
And I don’t think I am projecting my marriage onto you. I have been in his situation before. I have been passive aggressive. My wife never knew how she affected me, and did nothing intentional in that regard. Yet I felt it and I think your husband does too. If you respond to him in the manner you just did, then I can easily see him stepping back and wanting to make peace with you. He does not want the confrontation.
Your argument and reasoning is sound. He knows it, but he still feels that he needs to watch himself when you get angry. And note that your anger could go from 1 to 10. With him you may only get to a 4, so in your eyes, you hold your temper quite well and are very appropriate. I would agree. But to him a level 4 could be his level 8 (his different reality). If he is passive aggressive, he might not tell you.
Also, your husband sounds ADHD (not just ADD). Medication will help greatly with this.
