Interesting question. I'll ask him. It never occurred to me that this might be a road block for him.
Truly, the kids are so overwhelming to him that a more likely explanation is that he just doesn't FEEL the feelings when they are around. It is so hard for him to switch gears. He also can't read a book or watch tv or make a sandwich or do the dishes when they are around. (they are normal kids, btw, not total heathens, lol) He is not much of a multi-tasker and that is one of the things we've joked about many times. When I think about him at work, I marvel at the fact that he multi-tasks there--because I know what enormous amounts of concentration it must take for him to pull that off.
Anyway, back to your question. How would H answer this question: Is it healthy for kids to see their parents interacting in a mildly sexual manner?
Stay tuned. lol
P.S. Anyone want to guess what I was doing a mere year ago, on this day?
Quote: It was as if all that resentment bubbling up in me the night before just bubbled on up and out of my body. We had a great day together, yesterday, and he even commented "Hey my old wife is back!" I asked what he meant and he said, Your kisses are warm again and you're looking me in the eyes...[snip]
When we got to bed, he promptly fell asleep. [snip] I *really* wanted to ML and reconnect
Wow... the irony of this is pretty stunning. He got "his old wife back" and THAT NIGHT promptly fell asleep instead of ML. This is incredible. It looks like you got "your old husband back," too. Very strange... It's as if as soon as the old honey showed up, he just instantly reverted to the last saved version.
Quote: But it is very difficult to split the personality to be passive in one area and assertive in another.
Good point. I have had to tone myself down, over the years, cause what I was doing was NOT working. I think H will have to make a similar effort, although I will concede that it's probably much easier for an assertive person to tone themselves down than a passive person to ramp themselves up, kwim?
Quote: You know better than he, and while he may agree with your positions, he’d better not try to challenge them.
I don't care if he challenges them. I actually welcome the stimulation. He will probably lose, lol, cause as I've said this is my occupation and I don't take it lightly--I am educated and have read even more childraising books than I have R books. It's true, people! However, it's just not an issue with us. I don't criticize what he does with the kids and he's not biting his tongue. Here's an example: He buys almost all of our cars. There have been times when he comes home with a new car and I haven't seen it first, though I did of course know that he was going to buy one. I don't care about this. This would drive many people I know bananas. It works for us. He has no problems with me being the ultimate boss of the kids. It is a responsibility that he doesn't want--I can assure you of that. MrH is overwhelmed with the responsibilities he *does* have; he would not want another. He is the spiritual head of the household and he takes that seriously but he does not care to be involved in the decision-making process as it concerns them, for the most part. When he does want to throw his opinion out, I always listen and have many times tried his suggestions, with good results.
Quote: And you like having the control.
I don't know if I like having the control, so much as this is my job. I would never presume to tell him how to do his job, as I know very little about the details, and this is how I view our home setup. I know the kids better than he, simply because I spend more time with them. In addition to that, they are all girls so I have to sometimes clue him in. (WHY do they cry so much, W? Because they're chicks, H.) I do like having control (who doesn't?) but I'm not jealously holding on to this area and trying to exclude him, so don't project your own stuff onto me. That is not the 'vibe' here.
Quote: I wonder if in some way, he is afraid of you?
He is afraid of disappointing me. And yet he purposely sets up situations where he does just that. This baffles me!
Quote: Wow... the irony of this is pretty stunning. He got "his old wife back" and THAT NIGHT promptly fell asleep instead of ML. This is incredible. It looks like you got "your old husband back," too. Very strange... It's as if as soon as the old honey showed up, he just instantly reverted to the last saved version.
That's the source of my current batch of resentment that's on my stove.
A doula? You get to see the miracle of birth and be with people at one of the most joyous times in their lives, fantastic.
Glad to hear that Mr.HP is stepping up to the plate, can I borrow him to rub off on my H?
Maybe getting out and doing some things that fulfill you, will help lighten the resentment load, eh?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
“I don't care if he challenges them. I actually welcome the stimulation. He will probably lose, lol, cause as I've said this is my occupation and I don't take it lightly--I am educated and have read even more childraising books than I have R books. It's true, people!”
This attitude is VERY dangerous and can grow into a bigger wedge than you realize. And while you may not care if he challenges you, HE may care. He does not want to do it. He doesn’t like the confrontation, so stop expecting that he should be like you. To not see this is to not acknowledge him, and in so doing you are using a control tactic. The worst part is that you seem to be aware of this dynamic and allow it to continue. This is an issue that you might consider (and it is his as well).
He seems to be very passive aggressive to me. These people will not tell you anything is wrong in their life. To do so puts them at odds with you and they don’t want to displease others. But they will do little things as an act of defiance to keep some feeling of control, just not so much as to make the other person angry (whether that person would actually be angry or not).
As for the kids, I don’t want the day to day responsibilities either. I have enough on my plate and if my wife stays at home, she should be largely responsible for the kids. But I don’t want to feel excluded or that somehow I am not part of the team. Often the family would go do different activities during the day, and after some time of this, I began to feel like friends and neighbors knew my kids better than I, only because of the time I had to be away at work. Is this my insecurity? Yes. But I only have so much time at home, then its back to work. I want to feel as needed and involved as possible.
“I don't know if I like having the control, so much as this is my job. I would never presume to tell him how to do his job, as I know very little about the details, and this is how I view our home setup. I know the kids better than he, simply because I spend more time with them. In addition to that, they are all girls so I have to sometimes clue him in.”
My wife made exactly the same arguments. And while I understand this and intellectually accept it, I still don’t FEEL it. He may be feeling the same (again, trying to brainstorm here). This needs two people to work through – he needs to be more assertive, you need to reach out to him and make him feel involved. An analogy – How do you feel when he calls you about an everyday matter that needs some information sharing. Then he asks how you are doing and gives the emotional feedback you want. You’d feel good, right? But what if he said he called for absolutely no reason at all, other than he was thinking of YOU. Wouldn’t you feel so much better? Doesn’t this say so much more? So ALLOWING him to be involved is not the same as PULLING him in to be involved. KWIM?
“He is afraid of disappointing me. And yet he purposely sets up situations where he does just that. This baffles me!” I think the answer to this last remark is embedded in what I am saying here.
“how hard is it really to kiss your wife, compliment her sexually and pat her @ss a couple of times every day?" This is strange to me too. Sounds like more guilt issues?
Regarding the falling asleep in mid-sentence, that is very strange. Was he not able to stay awake? Does he do this often? Does he have narcolepsy? Or do you think it was actually intentional? If the latter, I am leaning more to thinking he has a lot of passive aggressive tendencies. If this is true, he has a lot of issues that he is not being honest about and you are not aware of.
Here in SE Mi there is a big community of home schoolers and they make it a priority to get kids of all ages together for events/classes at least once a week. Classes are taught in homes or churches where there is an expert (ie if someone in the community is a scientist, they teach a science class, a mechanic may teach auto maintenance, etc). Invariably, when I encounter homeschool families, the children are well spoken and well behaved.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Cine, I just signed D6 up for a co-op, just like the one you spoke of. I think homeschooling is whatever the parents make of it. It can be isolating or it can be invigorating or it can be dull or...you get the point. I think she will like the co-op and being with other kids and they will teach art and music, two subjects that I'm not sure I could do justice. Though I'd sure try!
