I still can’t get a good handle on why your husband avoids emotional issues and makes jokes of everything. Regardless of the source, I think it is to either 1) avoid too much intimacy, which is scary for him, or 2) to get attention (as the lost middle child). If 1) is correct, then there was some kind of trauma, fighting, etc., that you should already know about, but since you did not mention anything like this, I will dismiss it. So that leaves 2).
As I am sure you know, the middle child often feels lost. The oldest is the first to try everything and gets the praise from the parents. This is often the “model” child, being more responsible and following directions because it is expected. Even if the parents put more emphasis on the others, the middle child still feels like the oldest gets more since he/she still gets to go first on everything.
The youngest needs extra attention simply due to age, but because he/she sees the older sibling getting to do all the “neat” stuff, he/she can become very competitive. This can be for survival (to keep from being picked on of bossed around by the older siblings) or to be a clown and get attention in the only possible (since the youngest can’t compete on age, strength or intelligence).
The middle must find his way between these two factors and it can be a very difficult balancing act. Sometimes the middle child acts out, or is a rebel, turns to drugs, etc. Other times, they simply go quiet and accept a certain anonymity. I am the oldest of three boys and the middle was like this. He was more independent and adventurous, but did not bring attention to himself (later in college he came out of his shell with a vengeance). Perhaps some of this shaped your husband, so asking him to change his personality could be very difficult. I would think empathy is the best course, which you say you have done.
But his personality, combined with your personality and being a stay at home mom, probably relegates him to this “secondary” position within the family. It is a position he is comfortable with. You say “My opinions, wants and desires come first--yes, to ALL of that,….” He is not accustomed to asserting his rights in these matters, and he may not care to. He may be happy with the status quo, and in the way these issues are handled, so are you.
But it is very difficult to split the personality to be passive in one area and assertive in another. I don’t think the bedroom and the church count either. One concerns his basic image as a man (so he makes a stand) and the other is purely theoretical and intellectual (so he makes a stand). But you also say “He would say that this is the right thing to do...defer to me on matters of the kids...and I can't really argue with that.” On this point, I think he is simply falling back into that middle child mode. Everything seems to be going well, so let things lie. And you like having the control.
“I AM the more intuitive parent and I have educated myself on childhood matters. He has not. All the same, this is not an area in which there is tension. He's perfectly happy to let me be the boss of the applesauce, and yet I don't lord it over him or make him feel inadequate.” Again, falling back into his comfort zone, but here I think you send a strong subconscious message to him. You know better than he, and while he may agree with your positions, he’d better not try to challenge them. He thinks he is happy because this is how he has always been – deferring to others.
I was like this too with my wife and kids when they were small. But as they grew up and new issues evolved, I was not content to stand by and let my wife always run the show. There were some things I simply did not like and there is nothing like your children to force you to take a stand (and your husband is capable of doing this, as you say). I suspect and some point your husband will want to assert himself on child related issues, and then you two will move to a new level of conflict. He will be looking for his voice, for a greater level of control. If you can compromise, then great. If not, then you will have problems.
Just because he is not vying for more involvement/control, or is not concerned with your control over the family, doesn’t mean he is not acutely aware of where the line is drawn. Just because you are not a “bossy” type, doesn’t mean he doesn’t still know this. I wonder if in some way, he is afraid of you? It is up to him to address this, but obviously you can have a huge role to play as well.
My last thought on his being embarrassed to talk to you is in relation to his obsession with the church. Both these area seem to be link through a guilt issue. The church is certainly capable of imposing guilt on people (in fact I think it is an intentional ploy to ensure their survival as a power organization). Embarrassment is definitely rooted in guilt. So you may want to explore this further.
