I didn’t intend to pick on you and ignore your husband. By what was said, it seemed pretty obvious to everyone, that your husband is the heart of the problem. He seems to know this himself. To me the most telling thing is that he makes jokes all the time. This is just another way of avoiding intimacy. Out of curiosity, what is his birth order? Is he the baby of the family, the comic? Why does he joke about things? What was he scared of as a child?
The other thing is that disclosing his feelings to you is embarrassing. I can understand not saying something like this to other guys, or in public, but it doesn’t make sense that he would feel this way with you. Is he an introvert or an extrovert? In arguments, is he the shouter, the one acting out, or are you?
I have a few other questions about you. I get the impression that you are a fairly assertive woman, you take the initiative and don’t seem to cower to others, but I wouldn’t call you aggressive. Is that anywhere close to accurate?
On another tangent, let me make a generalized comment about stay at home moms. This may tick off a lot of people, but I think it is relevant. For men, having the wife stay at home is very comforting. You know the kids are safe, that everything will be fine while you are at work, and frankly, there can be less required of you, the husband, at home. The mom is usually multitasking, and I think takes a certain pride in having a good day as “supermom” (at least my wife would occasionally say this). The negative aspect is that the husband lets the wife take center stage in the home and with the kids, and ends up deferring to her on many levels. Almost by without knowing it he can slip into this secondary role.
Yes, he is still considered the head of the household, but when it concerns the kids, the wife’s opinions, wants and desires often come first. When he has to watch the kids by himself, he will usually do something wrong. If there is tension in the relationship, he’s going to hear about his slip-up too. Later in the marriage, he can grow to fear this rebuttal and will try to avoid it. If he is withdrawn, he could withdraw more.
HP, I have not idea if this fits your description or not. I am not that familiar with your history. It is just another idea that came to mind. Do you give him lots of praise? Does he feel supported by you? Do you show anger, disappointment, or just go quiet if he does something wrong?
