Karen, I think I am finding it is a 2 way street. It is for our LD spouses to ramp up the interest, and for us HD folks to back off enough to recognize and appreciate the efforts our S's are making. It wasn't until discussing the efforts that our S's are making here that I could even recognize the efforts MrsGGB is making. She is way out of her comfort zone, and I have not been giving her much credit for what she has done in an effort to make me happier. See, sometimes it is hard to recognize effort if it does not come in the package we expected to see it in. I think HP saw a bit of this too. Once we learn to let go (darn, why is that so hard anyway?), then the relationship has a chance to grow in directions we never thought about. I am also getting the feeling that going through a serious bout of dontgivashititis is pretty much a necessary phase of the growth, as much as it sucks going through it.
Thank you, GGB! I was going thru a serious negative spell on Friday. MrH had emailed me about how sorry he was that he had neglected giving me "attention" all week. It just made me mad, more than anything else.
But we are slowly making our way there.
Last night he divulged that he felt he couldn't say what is in his heart ("I know I should be saying romantic things to you but I can't") because it is too embarrassing for him. I'm trying to be patient but it's hard sometimes!
A sex addict isn't necessarily someone who has to have sex ALL THE TIME. You may not get sex on any kind of regular basis and still be a sex addict.
What marks an addict is not necessarily frequency, but its use as a balm to relieve or cover-up emotional pain. Identifying sexual addiction would be harder because sex is socially acceptable, applauded even, and it feels good. It is socially expected that two people in a marriage should WANT to have sex together, so it is typically seen that someone who has a HD is 'normal,' and someone with a 'LD' has 'issues.'
Let me also state that I have no intention of labeling anyone here as a sex addict. I'm not qualified.
However, I'd say if you are using sex to fill a 'void,' there may be underlying motivations that may need some examination and consideration.
Corri, I agree with you. That's why I refrained from telling Cobra to **ck off and went and looked up the articles he posted.
The sex addict section did not speak to me at all. In the "behaviors" section, there was not one that I have ever done or felt.
Cobra, I did want to ask you why you did not think it was noteworthy that my H, with his high testosterone, does not display the behaviors that normally accompany a male with high T. You zeroed right in on me and my potential anomalies, but whizzed right by H!
HP... I don't get the impression you are a sex addict. I do believe that your H's avoidance, neglect, and awkwardness has ( in the past anyway) created more of a hunger. It becomes difficult to accept what he does offer you (which by some standards here is a lot) because inwardly you have the sense that he isn't doing all he can to work with you on this issue. Certainly if he weren't putting up some psychological barriers of some kind, I could easily picture you being content with some compromise of your sexual frequency discrepancy. IOW, a 2x/week vs 4x/ week difference is not a big deal when you are both on board 100 percent.
Anyway...I've seen you detach and grow and approach a level of acceptance, and this may be as far as you can take things now. Congrats on coming up with the doula idea...how exciting!...I think this is going to be great for you personally and for the marriage as well. I am going through some work changes myself---will update my thread soon.
HP, he is sharing what he is feeling now. That is a big, no gargantuan, step for him. He would have kept it bottled up before, leaving you totally in the dark. Remember, there is nothing wrong with feelings. It is how you and he act on the feelings that is important. Don't let his expression of feelings get you down, instead praise him for sharing. Like I said, this is huge.
By him sharing that with you, you get a better picture of where he is coming from, and in a way, his disclosure is bigger than anything romantic that he would have uttered. Also, now that you know this, you know how big a thing it is when he does do something romantic, KWIM? Just stay focused on what he IS doing, not on what he is not doing.
And, like yeah?, a WWME weekend would be perfect for you right now. Have you talked to him recently about it? Remind him too that it is centered in the Catholic teachings. I know you feel like you've been carrying all the weight for some time, but perhaps this is one little thing you could do, since it would benefit you both. Oops, there I go being my pushy self
I don't know that he was sharing all that much. He says stuff like this all the time--as if joking about being unable or unwilling to share is a perfectly suitable stand-in for actually sharing.
I do need to hear him say how much he loves and desires me. It is not enough that he feels it. I want to hear it and know it. Call me needy, call me an addict, call me an idiot, but I gotta have it!
Today is going well.
I'm trying to forge a connection with him. Last night, I could literally feel the resentment boiling in me like a cauldron. I need to get rid of it before it eats me alive. I had not realized how much was there until then. At a very deep level, I am pissed off that I have spent the last 3 years trying to get our marriage back on track without a greater level of success than we currently have. I'm not necessarily mad at him as I am just mad at the situation and at having to accept a certain amount of failure. Hate that!
But, all the same, I have a great husband. Anyone have any ideas for "looking for the positive"? I mean, concrete things...reminders, ways to change my thinking..? He is doing positive things, I'm sure of it, but I get caught up in not only looking for how *I* think it should be packaged but also by listening to his baloney-talk about all the things he will do--in the future--or lamenting what he should have done in the past and all the while the minutes tick away on the clock and everything stays exactly the same.
If I could just tune him out, I think things'd be a lot better! He is making behavioral changes but still talks a lot of crud. Anybody relate to this?
Gotta run; D6 has a fever and it's back to being Nurse Mom for me!
HP, Hmm, I suppose I read more than I should have into your previous post. I read it as him sharing stuff that he previously wasn't, which would have been big. Seeing that this is the SOS, then I can definitely see what you are saying. Gotta somehow stop him from the baloney talk. MrsGGB does this too. Earlier this week she said something, and I flat out told her that it sounded nice but I didn't trust her to follow through. She followed through on that, but has been slowing down on the follow-through since then. Guess what I am saying, is you have to call him on the baloney talk...you know "shut-up or put-up"
As far as accepting failure, well i'm not sure it is out and out failure, but I am sure the outcome is far different than what you expected, hence the disappointment.
HP, keep your hands off of that rope! Hope A. feels better soon.
At a very deep level, I am pissed off that I have spent the last 3 years trying to get our marriage back on track without a greater level of success than we currently have. Come on, Honeypot! You're supposed to be a role model for the new folks like me 3 years with progress that is still not good enough. I've only been at this again a few months and I cannot imagine 3 years! Sorry, no optimisic advice. Just wanted to express my empathy for you.
I didn’t intend to pick on you and ignore your husband. By what was said, it seemed pretty obvious to everyone, that your husband is the heart of the problem. He seems to know this himself. To me the most telling thing is that he makes jokes all the time. This is just another way of avoiding intimacy. Out of curiosity, what is his birth order? Is he the baby of the family, the comic? Why does he joke about things? What was he scared of as a child?
The other thing is that disclosing his feelings to you is embarrassing. I can understand not saying something like this to other guys, or in public, but it doesn’t make sense that he would feel this way with you. Is he an introvert or an extrovert? In arguments, is he the shouter, the one acting out, or are you?
I have a few other questions about you. I get the impression that you are a fairly assertive woman, you take the initiative and don’t seem to cower to others, but I wouldn’t call you aggressive. Is that anywhere close to accurate?
On another tangent, let me make a generalized comment about stay at home moms. This may tick off a lot of people, but I think it is relevant. For men, having the wife stay at home is very comforting. You know the kids are safe, that everything will be fine while you are at work, and frankly, there can be less required of you, the husband, at home. The mom is usually multitasking, and I think takes a certain pride in having a good day as “supermom” (at least my wife would occasionally say this). The negative aspect is that the husband lets the wife take center stage in the home and with the kids, and ends up deferring to her on many levels. Almost by without knowing it he can slip into this secondary role.
Yes, he is still considered the head of the household, but when it concerns the kids, the wife’s opinions, wants and desires often come first. When he has to watch the kids by himself, he will usually do something wrong. If there is tension in the relationship, he’s going to hear about his slip-up too. Later in the marriage, he can grow to fear this rebuttal and will try to avoid it. If he is withdrawn, he could withdraw more.
HP, I have not idea if this fits your description or not. I am not that familiar with your history. It is just another idea that came to mind. Do you give him lots of praise? Does he feel supported by you? Do you show anger, disappointment, or just go quiet if he does something wrong?
3 years with progress that is still not good enough. I've only been at this again a few months and I cannot imagine 3 years! Sorry, no optimisic advice. Just wanted to express my empathy for you.