Firstly, my GAL plan: 1. I have decided to get my doula certification, as opposed to working part time at a library or something like that. This is something I began 2 years ago and never finished (typical 7, where's JJ when I need her!). I should be certified within a month and be able to have a nice, fulfilling part time business from that. 2. I've been going out approx once a week. So far, not very interesting places--tonight will be to shop for winter clothes for my kids--but baby steps, right. 3. I've started a weight loss program and have lost one pound per week, the last two weeks. I hope to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight around November. And into my leather pants for Thanksgiving! 4. I've been going on regular outings with my kids, throughout the week. No doubt if I was getting stir crazy, they were getting there a lot faster than me. 5. School is going well for my D6. This means little towards my GAL but it means everything in terms of my confidence. I am incredibly proud of her--and myself--for how it is going. This had the potential of being a self esteem disaster or being a propper-upper and it has turned out to be the latter. Thank goodness!
Now onto the juicy details, lol.
My M is progressing, although strangely it's sortof going along without me. I have to confess that I never thought it would. And it probably wouldn't have, unless I was able to completely and totally back off--which I have been unable to do, prior to the last month or so. I still don't have lust/passion/romance for my H, but I do feel strong feelings of love for him coming back. I have not told him this yet, for my own selfish reasons. I realize this is NOT nice and yet, I'm not ready for his attention to evaporate and the big Whew! to be uttered and then back to Normal. I am so loving and kind to him that I suspect he knows--he doesn't have that panicked look any longer--but still, if I was any kind of decent human being, I would have told him already.
I am a bit disconcerted that my lusty feelings are not back--for him. I am horny as heck but the minute I see him, I get choked up and feel like I can't access those feelings any longer. I am even having problems O'ing. This aint like me! GGB would say to ditch the Texas-sized bag of resentment I'm hauling around and I'll be fine. NOP warned me a while back that this was resentment. I guess it is, I honestly do not believe that he "did anything wrong", I believe it is more of an incompatibility issue. Not something that is dooming our marriage to failure but rather one that had to go on for such a long time that I have finally come to acceptance. All hope has been dashed. I am at the As Good as it Gets phase.
However, that is spinnin into negative territory so let me detail but a few of the pleasant changes going on around here:
1. H has realized that sustaining a marriage takes more than your bodily presence and claims of undying love. You actually have to DO things, too. 2. He is learning to initiate. At least 1 out of 3 times, it is "I want to ML" versus the many stuttering and flailing "I will if you want to" comments I used to get. Nice! 3. When he is horny, he's much more so than he was in the past. His horniness frequency is up a tad, as well. 4. He has decided that he was much too stuffy about getting to bed at 9:00. He says this was causing problems but he was too focused on it and needed this "jolt" from me to see how ridiculous he was being. At first, I thought this was some way to get me in bed with him (LOLOL how ridiculous does that sound..cue the twilight zone music please) but this has become his consistent routine in just 6 short weeks. He no longer freaks if it is getting late..he will stay up watching television, talking with me, wants to ML. 5. If the above happens and the time gets to be too late, he cheerfully rolls over afterwards and re-sets his alarm in order to go in to work later. People. This means he voluntarily will miss Mass once in a while, if it means that WE get to connect. Monumental. 6. I've been having trouble establishing enough EC to get the foreplay going. One night we were watching tv and he pipes up with, "You know, we'd probably have a much easier time having sex if you'd sit next to me. Starting tomorrow I want you to sit next to me, after the kids go to sleep." I loved both the sentiment and the delivery! Sexy. I used to sit next to him all the time but he acted nothing but put out. (and then wouldn't put out, anyway, LOL) 7. He found a babysitter and is eager to use her. Some of you might remember the freakin hoops I jumped through last summer to get him to go out on a date with me, so worried was he about leaving our older kids. Now, he's all gung ho about (gulp..coming from me this time) leaving the baby, too! It is a 12 yo girl who babysits with her mother in tow. How perfect is that. 8. I think he's planning something nice for our upcoming 10th anniversary. Last night, at a party, he started blurting out the details of the event and then jumped when he realized I was sitting next to him. Doh! I didn't realize that was YOU! 9. There are physical signs that he's glad to see me, and we don't have any bananas in the house. He is eager to let me 'notice' this now.
There are a few negatives, as mentioned in the title of the thread. 1. He makes promises and then doesn't follow through on them, most notably sticking in my craw is his promise to read an R book and then refusing to do so. 2. I had scheduled endo appts for him and myself for yesterday but the insurance from his new job has turned out to be NON-insurance (there is a $5900 deductible which has to be met before any benefits kick in) and we cannot afford to be paying for doctor's appts out of pocket. That will have to wait until he has a better job, unfortunately. I may schedule the appt for myself, as my hair won't stop falling out, but no go for H. He wasn't all that crazy about going, anyway. 3. My feelings of disinterest, sexually, are really bothering me. I keep doing it in hopes that I will eventually start to feel da lust again but so far I feel absolutely nothing. It is like a series of one night stands several times per week. Bizarre. 4. H's new company is starting the process of downsizing and firing people. He cannot believe that he escaped that atmosphere at his last job, only to be faced with it two months into the new one. This is doing weird things to his frame of mind.
All in all, I feel a lot of progress happening. There are pieces of the puzzle that are stubbornly refusing to fall into place, so if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.
Yes, on call and whatever hours the birth required. However, I'd have complete control over how many clients I took on. I'm thinking one every other month--approx 6 per year. This should make it easier to find a babysitter for 3 kids and the emotional 'high' from participating--and playing a critical role in--a baby's birth lasts a good two months, so there ya go!
I'm soooooo happy for you (yes, Snoopy dance again)!!!
It seems our H's are coming around at the same time Your H is making some BIG changes and I'm glad to hear that loving feeling is coming back. Don't be so hard on yourself for not disclosing those feelings yet to your H though...heck you don't trust they're going to stick around I'm sure. Right now...you do have some trust issues rearing their ugly heads...and time will likely take care of them.
I'm so glad he's actually doing some of the things you've wanted him to do for so long now too. With time, that lust for him will return as well. You're expecting too much too fast Honeypot....so don't let it freak you out. It's perfectly understandablen right now that you might not "lust" for him in particular with as much pain as you've experienced lately. You're feelings of love came back much quicker than I expected they would...the passion part won't be too far behind, but don't rush it....you've got feelings of trust attached to those feelings. Cut yourself some slack young lady! That's an order!!!
As far as the negatives go.... 1. He makes promises and then doesn't follow through on them, most notably sticking in my craw is his promise to read an R book and then refusing to do so.
Did I say you have trust issues enough times yet? Why is the book such an issue for you though? Isn't he doing many of the things you needed him to do now...if so, why do you still need him to read that book? He gets it Honeypot, don't force it down his throat.
2. I had scheduled endo appts for him and myself for yesterday but the insurance from his new job has turned out to be NON-insurance (there is a $5900 deductible which has to be met before any benefits kick in) and we cannot afford to be paying for doctor's appts out of pocket. That will have to wait until he has a better job, unfortunately. I may schedule the appt for myself, as my hair won't stop falling out, but no go for H. He wasn't all that crazy about going, anyway.
How is this a negative for him exactly...or for your R? I can see that the lack of insurance is an issue...and his job is tied to that, but how exactly is it an issue with him and your R?
3. My feelings of disinterest, sexually, are really bothering me.
As I've already mentioned...you are expecting too much too fast. Your feelings of love have just recently returned....the rest will follow. You impatient woman you!!! LOL
4. H's new company is starting the process of downsizing and firing people. He cannot believe that he escaped that atmosphere at his last job, only to be faced with it two months into the new one. This is doing weird things to his frame of mind.
Well that definitely does suck...I'd hate to be faced with that again. But keep him focused, if he feels he may be facing that again start looking now. He just might find something much better, that he'd like to do, and that has better insurance before your Endo appt
Honeypot...you two have made such progress. Relax for awhile and just simply enjoy what you two do have....you have come light-years from where you two were a year ago. Take some time to reflect. Yes, things got really bad there for you for a bit, but sometimes that's simply the point you MUST get to before things can really start improving.....actually that's something our C reinforced for us last night (I'm updating my thread today). Look at the changes that have happened just since you hit that rock bottom....it was what had to happen.
I'm soooooo happy for you two right now I can't stand it!!! If things have finally improved this much for the two of you now...try to take a look into this time next year, can you imagine where you will be then, because I'm pretty confident in saying....that passion will have returned for you long before then
"You know, we'd probably have a much easier time having sex if you'd sit next to me. Starting tomorrow I want you to sit next to me, after the kids go to sleep." Oooh...that's Hot. Confident. Sexy. Good for MrH! It is like a series of one night stands several times per week. I found that an interesting way to put it. Sorry the EC is not there yet.
Sorry, don't have advice since I am in somewhat of a similar predicament. I'll be watching for others ideas though.
OOOOOOH HP! So nice to see him working on it with you. You are a lucky gal. Now for the EC. I understand where you are on this one, as I have none. The "series of one night stands" is a very descriptive message.
I think back to days gone by. You know there are a couple of "one-nighters" that I'd love to see again! Sounds like he's coming around to one of those memorable ppl too! I'm sure if this is allowed to continue there will be a way to shed the baggage and enjoy the trip again.
I will read with interest, cheering you all the way.
Congrats again....*hugs*
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Lass, One of the things we both agreed to do when this "ILYBNILWY" crapola hit the fan was to get our hormones checked out. He is convinced that he has high T still...and he probably does...but he has a LOT of thyroid symptoms, and has since I met him. I want to get mine checked because my hair won't stop falling out. It went thru that "I just had a baby and my hair's falling out" stage but has not stopped. When we were on vacation, my head got sunburned and I realized with a sickening feeling that it was because my hair is thinning! Ewwwww. So that, combined with the fact that I've not been acting or feeling myself lately (an understatement), drives me to want to go check it out. I've always had thick shiny bouncy hair and now it sorta lays flat to my head.
MrH feels strongly that my freakout has a hormonal component. It's funny how he will NOT attribute any of his..ahem..quirks...to hormones but all of mine are, lol. It's possible but I'm not bankin on it. I actually think we are both normal but with mismatched libidos. Oh, and stubborn.
Thanks for checking in. I am pleased with all the progress too.
Oh the book. Yeah. What the heck IS my problem with that? I suppose it has become the poster child for all the floating resentment, in my brain. It has all coagulated into this ONE comment..about this ONE book..and the fact that he's not following through with it.
Plus, I feel that he thinks that he's got the skills he needs to make me happy; he just needed this wakeup call in order to see that he HAD to do it. Not in ten years when his career is better and the kids are older--now.
Well, this might sound mean, but I don't think he has all the skills that he needs. Reading a book would really benefit a guy like him, who had no dating experience prior to me.
But I've dropped that rope. As you can see, I am still a little resentful of it but I can get over that. I just FIRST had to get over the urge to buy the book, unwrap it, hand deliver it to him and then prop his eyelids open with toothpicks so he could finish it. Ok, do I get my props since I didn't do the last part??
I have not told him this yet, for my own selfish reasons. I realize this is NOT nice
Shrug. not nice? Do what works. It will come out of you when it is ready.
I am horny as heck but the minute I see him, I get choked up and feel like I can't access those feelings any longer. I am even having problems O'in
Your H is initiating more, doing it strongly, and making alot, tons of progress with you and your R from 2 months ago. He has a major worries about work,and beinga provider. another layoff? Can the guy get a BREAK already. head shaking. anyways I have a feeling he may have insecurity about this and his new confidance with you is not congruent with the career stuff and may be manifesting itself thru body language or his mental vibe. So horney HP, but not for Mr. yet. I ditto whoever said start looking for another job. It takes courage, and even if you dont get a job from the interview, or are offered one you dont want, it will simultaneously remove this area of insecurity, and give him confidance.
onenight stands or no it is connecting. It is giving him confidance in that area, so there will be rewards to reap from this down the road. It is also preventing you from getting rusty and dusty.
If you cant O for the first time look at it as a strange occurance that is happening to you and will be funny looking back on. you wont die. Your frequency is where you wanted it to be 3 months ago, but now you arent happy with something else.....LOL. Women. so predictable.
Guys we will never win it will always be something, get used to it. Thats why I say give her what she needs not what she wants.
Hey....what about getting it for him on tape, so he can listen to it in the car on his way to/from work? If it's really something you think he can still benefit from.
