Firstly, my GAL plan: 1. I have decided to get my doula certification, as opposed to working part time at a library or something like that. This is something I began 2 years ago and never finished (typical 7, where's JJ when I need her!). I should be certified within a month and be able to have a nice, fulfilling part time business from that. 2. I've been going out approx once a week. So far, not very interesting places--tonight will be to shop for winter clothes for my kids--but baby steps, right. 3. I've started a weight loss program and have lost one pound per week, the last two weeks. I hope to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight around November. And into my leather pants for Thanksgiving! 4. I've been going on regular outings with my kids, throughout the week. No doubt if I was getting stir crazy, they were getting there a lot faster than me. 5. School is going well for my D6. This means little towards my GAL but it means everything in terms of my confidence. I am incredibly proud of her--and myself--for how it is going. This had the potential of being a self esteem disaster or being a propper-upper and it has turned out to be the latter. Thank goodness!
Now onto the juicy details, lol.
My M is progressing, although strangely it's sortof going along without me. I have to confess that I never thought it would. And it probably wouldn't have, unless I was able to completely and totally back off--which I have been unable to do, prior to the last month or so. I still don't have lust/passion/romance for my H, but I do feel strong feelings of love for him coming back. I have not told him this yet, for my own selfish reasons. I realize this is NOT nice and yet, I'm not ready for his attention to evaporate and the big Whew! to be uttered and then back to Normal. I am so loving and kind to him that I suspect he knows--he doesn't have that panicked look any longer--but still, if I was any kind of decent human being, I would have told him already.
I am a bit disconcerted that my lusty feelings are not back--for him. I am horny as heck but the minute I see him, I get choked up and feel like I can't access those feelings any longer. I am even having problems O'ing. This aint like me! GGB would say to ditch the Texas-sized bag of resentment I'm hauling around and I'll be fine. NOP warned me a while back that this was resentment. I guess it is, I honestly do not believe that he "did anything wrong", I believe it is more of an incompatibility issue. Not something that is dooming our marriage to failure but rather one that had to go on for such a long time that I have finally come to acceptance. All hope has been dashed. I am at the As Good as it Gets phase.
However, that is spinnin into negative territory so let me detail but a few of the pleasant changes going on around here:
1. H has realized that sustaining a marriage takes more than your bodily presence and claims of undying love. You actually have to DO things, too. 2. He is learning to initiate. At least 1 out of 3 times, it is "I want to ML" versus the many stuttering and flailing "I will if you want to" comments I used to get. Nice! 3. When he is horny, he's much more so than he was in the past. His horniness frequency is up a tad, as well. 4. He has decided that he was much too stuffy about getting to bed at 9:00. He says this was causing problems but he was too focused on it and needed this "jolt" from me to see how ridiculous he was being. At first, I thought this was some way to get me in bed with him (LOLOL how ridiculous does that sound..cue the twilight zone music please) but this has become his consistent routine in just 6 short weeks. He no longer freaks if it is getting late..he will stay up watching television, talking with me, wants to ML. 5. If the above happens and the time gets to be too late, he cheerfully rolls over afterwards and re-sets his alarm in order to go in to work later. People. This means he voluntarily will miss Mass once in a while, if it means that WE get to connect. Monumental. 6. I've been having trouble establishing enough EC to get the foreplay going. One night we were watching tv and he pipes up with, "You know, we'd probably have a much easier time having sex if you'd sit next to me. Starting tomorrow I want you to sit next to me, after the kids go to sleep." I loved both the sentiment and the delivery! Sexy. I used to sit next to him all the time but he acted nothing but put out. (and then wouldn't put out, anyway, LOL) 7. He found a babysitter and is eager to use her. Some of you might remember the freakin hoops I jumped through last summer to get him to go out on a date with me, so worried was he about leaving our older kids. Now, he's all gung ho about (gulp..coming from me this time) leaving the baby, too! It is a 12 yo girl who babysits with her mother in tow. How perfect is that. 8. I think he's planning something nice for our upcoming 10th anniversary. Last night, at a party, he started blurting out the details of the event and then jumped when he realized I was sitting next to him. Doh! I didn't realize that was YOU! 9. There are physical signs that he's glad to see me, and we don't have any bananas in the house. He is eager to let me 'notice' this now.
There are a few negatives, as mentioned in the title of the thread. 1. He makes promises and then doesn't follow through on them, most notably sticking in my craw is his promise to read an R book and then refusing to do so. 2. I had scheduled endo appts for him and myself for yesterday but the insurance from his new job has turned out to be NON-insurance (there is a $5900 deductible which has to be met before any benefits kick in) and we cannot afford to be paying for doctor's appts out of pocket. That will have to wait until he has a better job, unfortunately. I may schedule the appt for myself, as my hair won't stop falling out, but no go for H. He wasn't all that crazy about going, anyway. 3. My feelings of disinterest, sexually, are really bothering me. I keep doing it in hopes that I will eventually start to feel da lust again but so far I feel absolutely nothing. It is like a series of one night stands several times per week. Bizarre. 4. H's new company is starting the process of downsizing and firing people. He cannot believe that he escaped that atmosphere at his last job, only to be faced with it two months into the new one. This is doing weird things to his frame of mind.
All in all, I feel a lot of progress happening. There are pieces of the puzzle that are stubbornly refusing to fall into place, so if anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.
