Guess what!!! I'M GOING HOME!!! I've made the decision and am taking a leap of faith. I was in a panic about going home but now that I've decided to move back home, I feel really good about it. The movers will be at my apartment on Thursday, I'll be home by next weekend.
Thank you all for listening to me for so long. I'll be in touch to give you updates.
Things were going so good and what did I do? I started in on my H again last night. Saying vile things to him and now he's apprehensive about me moving home. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'll never get over this and I need to break from this M and start my life over. I'm very scared! I know that I can live alone, but I'm not sure that I would want to live without him in my life. Why do I keep doing this? It does not serve any purpose for continuing to badger him and I know it! I know that I need to let it go, but why can't I? Please, please, give me some advise. My movers are coming on Thursday and I'm not sure we're ready for this. My H is so P**** off at me right now, I'm not sure that he's not thinking about leaving me.
Am I just hanging on because I'm scared or am I holding on to make sure he gets his just punishment? Am I holding on because I love him? What's the deal here? I do know this, he can't take much more!
I think I am new to your thread, or at least haven't posted in awhile. Please excuse my ignorance to the particulars of your sitch. I am just going to comment on your latest post.
I assume you are keeping up with heather's thread and have read all the applicable books on this subject, yes? From this last post I assume this is not the first time you "badgered" him about his A, right? Do you feel that he's not really sorry, or do his actions NOT back up his verbal remorse? I think it will be hard for me to move past this thing my W has done too but for different reasons (maybe) then you. I feel that if my W ever took the kind of action and spoke the kind of words heather or amy have to their H's, I could forgive and move on, but if my W (as I suspect she may not) does not get to that level of true remorse for what she's done, I may do the same kinds of things you get angry at yourself for. I guess my advice is to look hard at what your H is saying and doing and see if it falls in line with someone truly willing to commit to a marriage that includes you. If it does, then maybe try to look at yourself and figure out what you need to do to feel secure enough to move forward. Trust can be a scary thing, and the worst part of all is that at some point, no matter how much we like to think it is either earned or given, it takes a leap of faith to believe in another human. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's a process. Just make sure you're involved in it.
Just wanted to update everyone. I have struggled and struggled about going home. Was I ready? Can I move forward with my H? Can we put our M back together when I have so much contempt for him? Well, I decided that I would take a huge leap of faith and go home. I have been home for over a week now and I have to say, it feels so right! I've started doing some of things I use to enjoy. Decorating the house, a little yard work, making plans on how to make the yard look better, painting some rooms, etc. I think I've finally arrived. My H and I cuddle with each other at night and it seems so special. He told me last night that I was a beautiful woman. That was out of the blue but I rather enjoyed hearing that from him. I believe that he is truely committed to our M and for that I owe it to myself to try and make this M work so at the end of the day, I won't look back and regret things if I didn't at least try. We went to MC last week and we told each other that because neither of us gave up, it shows how much we really and truely love each other. I looked at my MC and told him that I think this will be our last session. He agreed. We're off and running and we won't stop running until we win this race! I think we're going to make it!
I am really happy for you. It's funny that time really is proving to work FOR some of us. There is more good news around here lately to offset some of the bad.
Thanks for sharing and it sounds like you are really off to a great start on a new marriage. I wish you all the luck in the world and just remember all you learned through this process and use it in your marriage.
