I've not posted in a while but I wanted to write an update.
I'm still on my journey. And it is the hardest thing that I've done but I have come to realize a few things. Once upon a time when me and my H were dating, I tried to break up with him on several occassions. I had questions in my mind, do I love this man or do I need this man. I battled with this for the 3 years that we dated. I must also say, when we were planning our wedding and even on our wedding day, I kept thinking to myself, what am I doing? I'm not sure this is what I want to do. After we got married and settled into our routine, I still questioned myself. How does all this tie in? Here is what I've learned. I do love this man! I don't need him, I choose him because I love him. All the years I spent second guessing myself about my love for him is no longer there. Maybe it is a simple as "you don't know what you have until you're about to lose it". It became even more clear when talking to my daughter. It seems my daughter is falling in love for the first time (reminder, she is 24 yrs. old). She is sharing her experience with me. She loves the way her guy speaks her name, the way he holds her hand, the gentle way he speaks to her. It took me back in my experiencs with my H. Exactly! That is why I was with my H all these years. Even though I always thought in my mind that there was a "better mate" for me out there and that is why I was so reluctant to marry him, I could not get past all the wonderful things about him. So it kept me with him. And you know what! It's still there. I know the man loves me, and I know that I love him, so the rest of the issues are just "stuff!" Is it hard, you bet it is! Do I have times of despair and again second guessing myself if I want to stay with a cheater- you bet I do! Do I sometimes think about throwing in the towel - again, YES! But I stop, look at the bigger picture, look beyond now and look at my life without him. Can I live without him, of course I can. I realize that now since I'm living on my own, but is that what I really want - NO! He's my best friend, we truly enjoy each other's company. I have learned that marriage is a journey. There are all kinds of reasons that marriages break up, financial reasons, differences of opinions, abuse, alcohol abuse, and in my case, infidelity. All are a reason for terminating a marriage and they are all very good reasons, but I've learned, if the person is willing to change, and you love your S enough to help them, what will happen? In my opinion, you become stronger! You have marital goals, you help each other with their personal struggles. I think you can become closer simply because it is a "new" type of trusting. You trust the other to guide you in the right way rather than looking outside of your marriage partner for advise. You find a new respect for each other's opinion. It's kind of like advising your kids of right and wrong. Of course you are not going to advise your kids wrong. I think if you depend on your S and visa versa, for advise that is sound in judgment, you'll find that you can go to them for anything, even their most intimate struggles.
