Hold tight! You'll find that you will go through the whole range of emotions! It's the whole two steps forward and one step back thing. Just remember not to focus on those individual steps but at the overall progress you are making. Keep your eyes on the big picture and make small achievable goals. Things will not get instantly better overnight. But they will get better if you keep working together. So stay strong and fight through the tough parts. And remember to look at progress overall.
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
The Thanksgiving holiday was TERRIFIC!!!! My mom, sister and her two daughters, my daughter and my son all came to our house for dinner. My kids were friendly to my H and we all had a good time.
My H and I spent a lot of quality time together and it was very good!! We did some Christmas shopping so I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he told me that he has already received his Christmas present. I asked him, what did you get? He said "you". That meant so much to me. He was so kind and loving this weekend. I think we're going to make it. I still have moments, but I'm dealing with them as they come into my mind and it is getting easier.
I stayed with my H all weekend, but went back to the apt. this morning and will stay there all week. We have made plans to decorate our home this weekend so I'm looking forward to that. With Christmas fast approaching and the jewelry commercials, keep reminding me of the diamond necklas he gave the OW last year and that hurts, but I'm trying! And so is my H. We take one day at a time and I think that's all we can do for now, but I must say that our future is looking better.
I have a concern that someone may be able to give some advise on.
My H seems to becoming more and more depressed as Christmas becomes nearer. He told me the other day that his new year resolution was to spend more time with his borther and sister and try to rebuild that relationship. I reminded him that "blood was pretty thick" but he said it wasn't that, his integrity and respect is shot to hell. He also said that he didn't know what to do for my kids at Christmas. He normally gets them a present but this year he didn't think they would want anything from him and he said that he couldn't blame them. He said that he wished he could go back in time because he would do things so much different. I just listened but I can tell he is dealing with a whole range of emotions.
Also, one other thing. He said in our MC session last week that he was a little concerned about "us" running into some of our friends that may ask a lot of questions or something may happen in which he has no control over and cause us to take a leap backwards. What do you all think this means? Do you think the OW is starting to lurk out there again and he's scared that I'll find out about it. I do know (because he told me) that she is starting to call his office and hang up as soon as he answers the phone. I know I cannot help him with any of this as he certainly made his bed, but I do feel a little (not much) sorry for him. He is realizing the devastation that he has caused in so many lives. I think he is having a hard time living with himself. He aslo said he could not understand why I loved him. If he were me, he wouldn't love him. Any adivse?
I had a problem last night and I need a little encouragement. My H and I were talking about Christmas and presents. I had given my H a new rod and reel a few weeks ago and he told me that I should have waited until Christmas to give it to him. I told him that was just a "I Love you gift" He said well isn't that what Christmas is about, giving people you love gifts. It took me back-he gave the OW a diamond necklace last year for Christmas! Was that a "I love you gift". I think he realized right away what he had done. Anyway, I couldn't sleep last night, I had nightmares. I tried to redirect my thought process but boy that statement sent me right back to that dark place. Any words of wisdom?
It seems you put that thought into your head associating his christmas gift to her of last year. Let it go. It's in the past.
There will be such triggers as you go along. next time you have such a thought, examine it and see if it's worth keeping. Deflate it with reasoning on it. For example, if that thought were to come to me, I might say to myself, "that's how he felt last year toward her. Duh, of course that's how he felt at that time. But it wasn't really love, and now he's here working on things with me. He doesn't keep in touch with her anymore, and we're going to be spending christmas together."
I agree with you that you can give a token of your love at any time. IMO, Christmas isn't really about "giving people you love gifts", it's more about people exchanging gifts. Giving a gift when it's not expected is much more meaningful.
I slipped this weekend. Things were going well and then when I was left alone in the home, I started snooping. Wrong, I know, but hey, I'm a woman and that's what we do (or at least some of us). Anyway, I didn't find anything but it sent my H into semi- depression. He said he didn't blame me but he though we were beyond this. He also said each time I do something like that, it reminds him of his shame and guilt. He further said, he has lost everything! I told him not everything, he didn't lose me. But he said, yes he did, maybe only a part of me, but the most important part. He said that sometimes he thinks the best thing for me would be for him to get out of my life so that I can heal. I feel so sorry for us, we love each other, we truely do, but we're having such difficulty getting past our own individual pains and suffering. What can we do as a couple? We are in counseling as you all know and of course things have improved since we started this journey. But the road sometimes seems so challenging that we would be crazy to even try to take it. I guess sometimes my H and I grow weary. As much as we want us to work out, it seems at times that it is too hard. I know the alternative is harder, but good grief, this reaaly kicks us square in the teeth. This is a siutation that should have never happened. Not to us, we were and still are very much in love. How in the hell did this happen to us?
I slipped this weekend. Things were going well and then when I was left alone in the home, I started snooping. Wrong, I know, but hey, I'm a woman and that's what we do (or at least some of us).
Not just women. But hey, you're human, right? So no other excuses, you see how it affected the relationship, so decide if you're going to snoop or not forward going.
we're having such difficulty getting past our own individual pains and suffering. What can we do as a couple? We are in counseling as you all know and of course things have improved since we started this journey. But the road sometimes seems so challenging that we would be crazy to even try to take it. I guess sometimes my H and I grow weary.
Nobody's wonderful and up to it 24/7. If you can meet these challenges, you grow stronger, bond closer. It's easy to love when things are easy. It's certainly more difficult to be loving when you don't feel up to it. But it means so much when you do.
This is a siutation that should have never happened. Not to us, we were and still are very much in love. How in the hell did this happen to us?
Let it go. Focus on "still are very much in love". Have a great holiday!
I wish I could say this journey is a straight line. Unfortunately, there will be bumps in the road. It's the two steps forward, on step back thing. Reconciling is never as easy as you want it to be and will take longer than you think. But if you know this and realize that this is part of the path to a healthier and stronger M, then it will be easier to get through the rough spots. Good luck and keep thinking positively!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Wish me luck! My H and I are traveling to his family's home tomorrow and we will be in the car for about 10 hours each way. Also, this will be the first time we've seen his family since the bomb dropped. (some of his family knows about his A). I pray all will go well and I am trying to keep my attitude positive. But I can tell you my H is somewhat dreading it.
I have had several busy nights and haven't called my H when I said I would. This really seemed to have hurt his feelings, but one night I was with my daughter wrapping presents and the other I fell asleep. Anyway, it seemed to upset him. Just wanted to mention this. It may sound silly, but this made me feel good that it upset him-it's a little encouraging to me.
I've not posted in a while but I wanted to write an update.
I'm still on my journey. And it is the hardest thing that I've done but I have come to realize a few things. Once upon a time when me and my H were dating, I tried to break up with him on several occassions. I had questions in my mind, do I love this man or do I need this man. I battled with this for the 3 years that we dated. I must also say, when we were planning our wedding and even on our wedding day, I kept thinking to myself, what am I doing? I'm not sure this is what I want to do. After we got married and settled into our routine, I still questioned myself. How does all this tie in? Here is what I've learned. I do love this man! I don't need him, I choose him because I love him. All the years I spent second guessing myself about my love for him is no longer there. Maybe it is a simple as "you don't know what you have until you're about to lose it". It became even more clear when talking to my daughter. It seems my daughter is falling in love for the first time (reminder, she is 24 yrs. old). She is sharing her experience with me. She loves the way her guy speaks her name, the way he holds her hand, the gentle way he speaks to her. It took me back in my experiencs with my H. Exactly! That is why I was with my H all these years. Even though I always thought in my mind that there was a "better mate" for me out there and that is why I was so reluctant to marry him, I could not get past all the wonderful things about him. So it kept me with him. And you know what! It's still there. I know the man loves me, and I know that I love him, so the rest of the issues are just "stuff!" Is it hard, you bet it is! Do I have times of despair and again second guessing myself if I want to stay with a cheater- you bet I do! Do I sometimes think about throwing in the towel - again, YES! But I stop, look at the bigger picture, look beyond now and look at my life without him. Can I live without him, of course I can. I realize that now since I'm living on my own, but is that what I really want - NO! He's my best friend, we truly enjoy each other's company. I have learned that marriage is a journey. There are all kinds of reasons that marriages break up, financial reasons, differences of opinions, abuse, alcohol abuse, and in my case, infidelity. All are a reason for terminating a marriage and they are all very good reasons, but I've learned, if the person is willing to change, and you love your S enough to help them, what will happen? In my opinion, you become stronger! You have marital goals, you help each other with their personal struggles. I think you can become closer simply because it is a "new" type of trusting. You trust the other to guide you in the right way rather than looking outside of your marriage partner for advise. You find a new respect for each other's opinion. It's kind of like advising your kids of right and wrong. Of course you are not going to advise your kids wrong. I think if you depend on your S and visa versa, for advise that is sound in judgment, you'll find that you can go to them for anything, even their most intimate struggles.
