Then there's timing... H has to be somewhat open to these events. You can't force him to eat by candlelight if he insists turning the lights on.
NY, funny you should think of the candle lit dinner. As a matter of fact, I was planning that for this evening.
The candle light dinner fell apart, he asked me to turn the lights on
Maybe I should put up a 900 number and do psychic readings.
At about 1:30 in the morning his cell phone rang, we both were awaken and he answered it, I overhead a woman ask if this was **** and he answered yes, then she said you don't know me and then I could not hear anything more
I asked him about it the next morning and he said it was the wrong number
he said it came from a "private number" no caller ID. Well, that doesn't ring true with me because he knew the area code.
Obviously it wasn't a wrong number, as you overheard the caller asking your H if she had the right party and him confirming that she did.
But that also tells you it most probably was not the OW calling, but someone calling on her behalf. Perhaps there's a time difference between the states they all live in that accounted for the call coming in so late.
It would suggest he's not communicating with the OW, and she's trying to reach him. He does sound like he's not open to that.
You could have him change his phone number, but between you and me, if he wanted to stay in touch with the OW, he'd simply either give her the new number or maintain a secret cell phone or some such thing.
Yes, I agree, the biggest problem seems to be that he lied. He lied most probably so that you wouldn't get upset, but still, that's not what you need. So, yes, I'd say approach him about the need to be totally honest and open.
I would start a non-emotional, calm but firm, non-accusatory conversation along the lines of "Look hun, here's the thing. It's worse for me if you cover anything up, even with all good intentions, because then I'm left feeling wondering what's really going on. If, on the other hand, you're straight with me, then nothing that you tell me would be as bad as my going around feeling like that. I know the call the other night most likely couldn't have registered as a private number, otherwise you wouldn't have known the area code. So, please, we're working on rebuilding trust here... I promise I won't get angry. What was that call all about?"
I spoke to my H at lunch time about the telephone call. He stands by his story but he again voluteered to change his cell number so we are going to do this, hopefully, this weekend. I just told him when he reaffirmed his story, fine, but please understand my position. We cannot build trust if you aren't straight forward with me. He agreed. So I just said, okay, explanation accepted. But I still don't buy his story, but what am I to do? How do you call someone a liar when he swears it is the truth? Any I can't bring it up again because I shut the door on this discussion.
You're in between a rock and hard place. Is it possible for you to speak with your counselor (you two are attending MC sessions, right?) in order for the C to open up a discussion about the importance of total honesty?
But I still don't buy his story, but what am I to do? How do you call someone a liar when he swears it is the truth?
OK, so his story doesn't fly, yet there's enough to suggest he's not trying to hide activities, but rather, just doesn't want to make this call into an issue. Let's assume that's what it is for now. Being watchful, you'll determine sooner or later if this is a correct premise or not, that's about all you can do. Just file the information for now.
I don't know what happened this morning! I was talking to my H on the telephone and asked him if it would be okay for me to stay with him tonight. He answered me, "it's up to you" and then said, when are going to quit being to cold to me. He said "gotta go" and hung up the phone. What did I say wrong? We talked a few minutes later and he told me that he didn't need this crap right now. He is stressed out with his job and he doesn't have the time for this. But I sense something else is going on and he won't or isn't willing to share his inner most feelings. In my opinion he's battling his own deamons right now and all I want to do is encourage him. Should I lay low for now? Am I putting too much pressure on him?
Have you asked him in what ways are you being "cold" to him?
You probably didn't say anything "wrong", don't automatically think that H's behavior is because of you. I sense something else is going on too, but we are going into assumption land if we speculate and jump to conclusion trying to connect the recent dots. Whatever it is that's on his mind will manifest sooner or later, so keep your ears and eyes open, and prepare yourself for the worst (though I don't think the worst will happen), and we'll hope for the best.
I e-mailed my MC about this situation and he e-mailed me back and said "the one thing you did hear is enough to be concerned about. that maybe what he is stressed about. something is going on that he’s hiding. lying, withholding info. are major red flags. you need to get to the bottom of it or pull the plug before you move back in"
I'm not sure I know what "or pull the plug" means but I guess I'll find out in session tomorrow night.
See if your C can help get to the bottom of it at tomorrow's session. If H remains uncooperative, and he's been told honesty is paramount and read the riot act, you have nothing to lose. As much as it may pain you, it's better to end it than to continue being lied to.
Ending it doesn't mean it has to be over, keep that in mind. It can mean making a total break now and moving forward for you, just letting it all go. In the future, we don't know what's to happen. Could be you ending it prompts H to really, really examine how he can do better, make changes and seeks you back.
Things work out for us sometimes in ways we do not see at first.
Very wierd. I decided not to go to my house last night because of my H attitude yesterday morning. He called me on his way home and asked me where I was and I told him at the apt. He asked if I had changed my mind about coming over and I said "yes". He then asked if he could come over to see me and I said "sure". He was a completely different person, he snuggled with me on the couch, held my hand, kept kissing me on my cheek, forehead, back of my hand and lips. He was the H I once knew. What happened? Why the sudden change?
I dunno. Maybe he's trying to reassure you? You pulled away so he draws closer in response? Who knows? You know, there's flip flops every other day, stop looking at each one and trying to determine what exactly is going on at that moment. Take a giant step back and look at the whole picture instead.
Weekend was good. I stayed at the house, me and H went shopping for our Thanksgiving dinner, had dinner with my mom, everything pretty normal. Then today, I feel like crap, wondering why I'm with this man, a man who hurt me beyond words. Is this part of the roller coaster? After all this time and after all the positives that are happening in my M, should I still have questions? Should I still feel hurt? Is this normal? I sometimes feel as though my H is getting off pretty easy. I know that's wrong thinking and very destructive, but he suffered very little consequences. I hate feeling this way, and I'm trying to redirect my "self-talk" but you know, sometimes it's easier that other times.
