We're not sure what was problematic except for the fact he got caught up in someone's emotions, mid life crises, grieving over his father's death. The list goes on and on. He promises to more honest and open so I'm not sure what to explore from here.
Things are going very well for me and my H. He stayed with me last night and we enjoyed the evening together. NY said that we should explore what underlying reasons that may have caused the A and I spoke to my C regarding just this. My C said it was a personal problem that my H had, his opinion was that my H took on a "parental" role, he needed to be needed and the OW needed him. It was a volitale attraction but my H swears he has learned his lesson and that I should never have to worry about this again. I really believe his sincerity about this. Am I being naive? He is carrying a very heavy burden. He has a hard time believing that he did what he did and it saddens him a great deal. I am also giving him his space to work out his personal problems but we both are getting better. I honestly believe that we are healing and that we are going to be able to pull this M back together. A total 180 from what I was thinking about a month ago. It's amazing - once you quit throwing it up in their face, and quit reliving it, things do get better.
explore what underlying reasons that may have caused the A and I spoke to my C regarding just this. My C said it was a personal problem
Not for nothing, but, duh!
that my H had, his opinion was that my H took on a "parental" role, he needed to be needed... my H swears he has learned his lesson and that I should never have to worry about this again. I really believe his sincerity about this. Am I being naive?
He could be very sincere, but people can lapse into past behaviors if those behaviors are ingrained over many years. It can very well be that he's "learned a lesson", and that may work, yet in addition to that, it may serve him very well to know how and what to re-think and do to be on guard next time, if there is a next time, that the circumstantial patterns arise that prompts him to respond by becoming the "rescuer". It's similar to breaking a habit.
He can learn "why" he responds that way, what it is about the person and/or circumstances that makes him feel that he's the one that needs to do something, so as to recognize it when it's happening. For example, perhaps he believes that a "good person" is obligated to help or he feels guilty if he doesn't help enough; perhaps seeing other people having problems agitates him, so he wants to fix things; perhaps he wants to feel needed... there are probably some fears and anxieties he creates for himself when faced with others having problems that create the willingness in him to act on them. It's about learning how to handle those feelings and thoughts in a healthier manner.
I honestly believe that we are healing and that we are going to be able to pull this M back together. A total 180 from what I was thinking about a month ago.
Glad your outlook is happier, Gwyn. Remember it's not smooth sailing, most relationships aren't, so if you encounter a setback, don't let it derail you.
Update. I spent the night at my home last night. It probably was the best night sleep that I've had in months. I haven't brought up the A in weeks and things are moving forward much faster now that I've decided to keep my emotions in check.
I don't know if our M will survive the A, but I'm more optimistic now than I have been in the past. My H is really trying and for the first time, so am I. I still think about his betrayal but I am trying to filter these thoughts with more positive thoughts. It isn't easy but I'm doing the best I can and I'm holding on! I guess that's all that I can do for now. I'm looking for a happier future and frankly, I look at my future with my H rather than without him. The OW seems to have faded away. She moved away and it seems that she has now stopped calling him (for awhile she would call and hang up when he answered). My H is still dealing with his emotions. He has lost more than I can ever dream of losing. With his actions, he has lost his position in church, respect, admiration and lost a little of me. He had so much love from me and now it is more of a cautious love. I don't know how to explain it but our R is much different. Maybe it will grow into something better - time will tell.
Anyway, I'm more positive these days and my temper is well under repair.
I'm feeling blue today. I guess it's because my H seems so distant. He has a very difficult time in telling me that he loves me, etc and he seems so annoyed when I tell him that I love him. I know he wants to put this M back together but why isn't he wanting to affirm his feelings for me? Could it be that he doesn't feel the same way as he once did for me? I'm confused. Any advise?
Update. My H and I had a wonderful weekend. We went out in the boat Friday night for an evening cruise, he stayed with me that night, on Sat. we went fishing and I stayed with him on Sat. night. We went to church on Sunday, then we went boating. After I got home Sun. evening, he just hugged me and didn't want to leave. We really are moving forward and it looks like this M may survive after all. I have been so unsure for so long but things are progressing and I'm more encouraged.
Unfortunately, I'm not sleeping very well as my thoughts enter into my sleep and I wake up thinking about the A. I don't know what to do about this. When I'm awake I can stay busy and keep myself from dwelling on it. But in the middle of the night, I really have a hard time. I don't want this to continue to happen because my H sees it as a major problem and maybe it is but I cannot control my sleep. I'm on prescription sleeping pills but even with those, I wake up. Any advise?
Gwyn- You're going to think about the A sometimes. In fact, you should. It was real for you, it happened, it hurt you. It never goes away. Maybe it will be helpful for you to think about the ways in which you will allow yourself to think about it. For instance if you're torturing yourself wondering about details, etc. maybe use thought stopping and try to move on with something else. But if you're just thinking about the progression of things, about the problems that led up to the A, about what may have been the important factors for H in having the A, about how he feels about the A now, etc. then I would say that those are thoughts you should allow yourself to have. You need to be good to yourself and nurture your wounded heart. These thoughts don't need to be communicated to H, they can be private. In fact, given H's determination not to speak of the A, these thoughts probably should be private, at least until your M gets back on solid ground. But they are yours and you can think them if you need to. You are still a separate person with your own feelings and needs.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Gwyn - the middle of the night really is the worst, isn't it?
For me, a dramatic change in this happened when I started learning meditation. I do it in the morning and before bed. It seems to really act as a purge for my ugliest of thoughts and I'm less likely to spend the day battling my thoughts if I've meditated. And it's practically a guarantee that the nights I meditate before bed I sleep through the night (never happened since the bomb) and the nights I neglect even a short (5 mins) meditation entirely, it's guaranteed that I'll awaken with the "4am's".
It sounds hokey but it truly has changed my sleeping patterns.
Lovely suggestion Anna...my previous C also told me to go to sleep and concentrate on blue...the ocean, the sky and just keep the thought of the color blue in my head. No tv before bed, reading if it helps me to relax. Not to get out of bed when I can't sleep and no more cigarrettes when I wake up in the middle of the night...but since I am trying to quit that is even better.
