gwyn, I heard alot of the same from my h...and I couldnt figure it out, either. my H said it took him a looooong time to see that my changes were for real and forever. Many things I would say that I thought would be expressions of love and concern infuriated him, even to the point that he would throw things. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If he doesnt respond positively to ILY's, than chalk that up as a cheeseless tunnel for now, stop going down it, (stop saying it)...just for a while...and focus on ways to SHOW your love. pick one or two things you can DO to show your love without saying it, and commit to really putting them into practice for a while, say 3 weeks or so, and notice how he responds to those. If they work, keep 'em going and add another one or 2 and maybe a few ILY's.
My H used to launch into tirades when I said ILY sometimes. he even slammed the door in my face once. now, he says "I know you do, you've shown me in a million ways"-- and he returns my love.
It doesnt have to be big...start simple and small. Sometimes I think the smaller the better. with my H, I made a pact with myself that I would show my love by letting go of the things he did that drove me nuts...you know, not hanging the towels up neatly, toilet seats, that kind of thing. I absolutely dropped that kind of thing, said NOTHING, and instead focused on the good things he did and thanked him...like taking out trash, putting away laundry, lighting fires in the fireplace for me, us. and I thanked him for all of them, as often as I could. I got little things i knew he'd enjoy-cd's, books, workout clothes-every now and then and gave them to him as little surprises. I made a point of making some of his favorite foods, and something I would have never done before, I actually served them to him with a smile and a cheerful "here you go". he ate it up. I sat with him and watched tv (never been much for that) and watched shows he wanted to watch (movies too). I guess I looked for ways to give love, rather than say it. it took a while, but it worked like a charm.
