Locked out of my old thread so I'm starting a new one.
For all those who knows my sitch. I'm doing much better, I'm controlling my thoughts a little better and certainly trying to control my anger. Tears have taken the place of anger which is much healthier, in my opinion. My H stayed with me last night in my apt. and I slept through the night for the first time in months. We spent the morning together drinking coffee and watching the news. It seemed so normal. I know I have a lot of healing to do. I'm taking one day at a time and trying to work things through within myself. My MC and I have decided that for now he wants to see me without my H. We're going to work on me - he said that I hold on to hope and still am very hopeless because I keep cycling everything so we have come to an agreement that he is going to work with me alone. I'm looking forward to it and I hope that this will give me some clear direction.
H said somethings yesterday that made me feel a better peace about him. He said that not a day goes by that he doesn't think about how much he has destroyed our M. He goes to bed alone and thinks about it, he gets up in the morning and thinks about it, and wonders what we would be doing now if his behavior had not been so horrible. He truly is beating himself up more than I could ever beat him up so I'm letting him do it instead of me.
I am still praying that God will direct me and if it is meant for me to leave my H, He will open that door, if it is meant for me to stay, I'll find peace with that.
All I have is hope and I'm goiong to work from there.
Just a telephone conversation with H. As I said, he spent the night with me last night yet he seems so removed from me when we talked at lunch. Any insight on this? Our evening was pleasant so I thought he would be a little more excited to talk to me but he wasn't. I'm confused.
Maybe he was distracted by something else? I'm sure your H has a lot on his mind right now as well. I'd encourage you to use the ACT AS IF technique in DR when you see or talk to our H. Especially if you have a tendency to anticipate how you want the interaction to go, or be disappointed, maybe you can act as if its great to talk to him.. hear from him. Be positive! I find that this works WONDERS with my H. If I'm positive and upbeat, he's more likely to be excited to talk to me.. and if he started the convo on a down note.. his spirits are lifted by my attitude. Then he truly is excited to talk to and see me because I become someone who makes him feel great when he's with me. It's hard to maintain (especially when you're hurting and doubtful), but it does work wonders for the PMA.
Good luck! Try not to get into H's mind too much right now (and here's the disclaimer that I can dish this out but have a hard time doing it myself!). Burgbud made a comment on my thread about being a person that attracts their S through the way we act and improve ourself, rather than trying to control their partner. The more we can attract them through being the kind of W they need.. the less we'll have to worry about what their thinking, who their thinking of, and if they are here to stay. Also, working those changes in ourselves, benefits us quicker than waiting on our H's to make us feel happy and secure.
Perhaps you're confused because you're expecting him to act a certain way, based on your thinking that things went well for him last night as it did for you, and he's not acting the way you'd expect.
Do you see where you're setting yourself up to feel that way? Do you see how then to become unconfused?
I am trying to stay upbeat, trying to be cheerful, etc. but our conversations seem to end in the same way, me saying stuff "I love you" trying to stay positive about our M but he just says "we'll see". What am I doing wrong?
gwyn, I heard alot of the same from my h...and I couldnt figure it out, either. my H said it took him a looooong time to see that my changes were for real and forever. Many things I would say that I thought would be expressions of love and concern infuriated him, even to the point that he would throw things. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If he doesnt respond positively to ILY's, than chalk that up as a cheeseless tunnel for now, stop going down it, (stop saying it)...just for a while...and focus on ways to SHOW your love. pick one or two things you can DO to show your love without saying it, and commit to really putting them into practice for a while, say 3 weeks or so, and notice how he responds to those. If they work, keep 'em going and add another one or 2 and maybe a few ILY's.
My H used to launch into tirades when I said ILY sometimes. he even slammed the door in my face once. now, he says "I know you do, you've shown me in a million ways"-- and he returns my love.
It doesnt have to be big...start simple and small. Sometimes I think the smaller the better. with my H, I made a pact with myself that I would show my love by letting go of the things he did that drove me nuts...you know, not hanging the towels up neatly, toilet seats, that kind of thing. I absolutely dropped that kind of thing, said NOTHING, and instead focused on the good things he did and thanked him...like taking out trash, putting away laundry, lighting fires in the fireplace for me, us. and I thanked him for all of them, as often as I could. I got little things i knew he'd enjoy-cd's, books, workout clothes-every now and then and gave them to him as little surprises. I made a point of making some of his favorite foods, and something I would have never done before, I actually served them to him with a smile and a cheerful "here you go". he ate it up. I sat with him and watched tv (never been much for that) and watched shows he wanted to watch (movies too). I guess I looked for ways to give love, rather than say it. it took a while, but it worked like a charm.
Thanks for the advise. I'll give it a try. I'm still trying to recover from the A, I am using every single method I can think of to stop the thoughts. It's very tough I must say and sometimes the pain is overwhelming, but I'm trying to hold it together. I'm not sure that I'm the type of person to "get over it" but I'm doing everything humanly possible to give it an honest try.
Just because H doesn't respond in a way you'd like does not signify that you're doing anything "wrong".
You're obviously taking some better steps regarding yourself nowadays than you were previously. H's actions and behavior as a result of these modifications may or may not come in time, but that's up to him.
Should marriage and love be this tough?
In a perfect world, no. But we don't live in a perfect world, and we don't have perfect relationships with perfect people, and we're not perfect either. Though others may not be wrestling with these type of problems (but may be embroiled in other problems nonetheless), it's more a matter of the question being, "do you want to make it work with this person?" and "is it worth it?".
I'm not sure that I'm the type of person to "get over it"
Who really "gets over it", Gywn? What we do, at best, is let go of it and not permit it to haunt us anymore. We simply can't allow this to stump our lives continually, not if we wish to find our happiness and live it. We can be sad about what happened, but sadness has its end, and continued misery over it is a terrible option we give ourselves. We focus on the damage that's occurred, we dwell in the negative zone. But there's positive aspects to life, and dwelling on those are what the optimist does. And look, though you've suffered greatly, there are positives out of this: you're learning things about yourself and improving things about yourself, your H learned a lesson, and both of you have an opportunity for something far better than you had before. My car got totaled, I almost got killed... but I ended up alive, a little bit more knowledgeable about what to do next time, and with a better car. I got divorced once years ago, had I not, I wouldn't have met the girl who did become my greatest love (though she's the one that became the WAW). There's good and bad in life, the greatest lessons seem to come from the pain. There comes a time we pretty much have to accept what we have no choice but to accept, and grab a hold of life, choosing that instead.
Just wanted to let everyone know that I moved into my new apt. this weekend. My H helped me, I cooked dinner for us later that evening. We went to church on Sunday and later on in the afternoon, he surprised me by bringing over a fully cooked meal for us. We had a great weekend. He is very concerned about my new apt. because now he fears that I won't want to come home. What is up with this? I wanted to go home but he didn't think it was the right time and now that I got the apt. he seems jeleous.
Anyway, not to dwell on the negative, we had a good weekend and things are improving. I'm still not sure if I want the marriage but for now, I am staying the course.
because now he fears that I won't want to come home. What is up with this?
Nothing to worry about, is it?
He expressed his "fear" that you may actually like life without him, and his fear is that he won't have you in a relationship with him, so his fear is really about his facing loss and abandonment. That's a personal issue he has to confront and work through.
But all that's really happened is that you two have separated from living together, in order to have time and space in which to both heal and grow and examine your issues and work in a healthy manner toward coming back together. Very positive stuff.
