but some here already think I am manipulative and out for some personal gain in this.
Yeah helping others by giving sound and supportive advice out in cyber world is some game of manipulation and personal gain. Please who ever feels that way needs to get real.
hmmpff. Of course not. You wanted to
Well, wanted to might be a little strong. I already did this on my Dancing with my devils thread. When I listed my demons that dwell in my basement.
No thats not the big question. because its not going to affect my life one way or another
Sure it is you know it goes along with manipulating me and achieving some personal gain! lol
No thats not the big question. because its not going to affect my life one way or another
Ahh but I was aided in my efforts by the people on this BB. Gel, Honey and Lil where quite a force to be reckoned with in making me understand things of importance from another's perspective regarding my H and his needs. Had they have not so patiently spelt things out to me that I was blinded to I would still be walking around totting a huge bag of resentment in this department. Couple that with all the pain I see in peoples words on this board regarding how the lacking aspects of the sexual side of there relationship filter into all realms of this life. I realized I had complete control of changing this dynamic in my relationship. But I still lack the ability to form the EC side as of the moment. But given I am truly not a LD person I am rather HD this was not a far jump for me. It just took the ability to look outside my own box. I just basically decided to leave anger of other issues in my relationship outside my bedroom door.
Oh that reminds me of another discrepancy from you
Any time a person takes off there cloths it is personal. I believe the first conversation was relating to EC and deriving self worth and such from sexual experiences. And my stating that I do not derive such things from sex. To me what I get from sex is sex simply stated.
I also think I remember a statement from you regarding you could remember every persons name that you ever had sex with. Because it was more then just sex. Yet recently you stated that you could not recall the name of a person you were in a long term relationship with off the top of your head. Hmmm
Has it toned down your H's anger?
The sex somewhat his anger management classes somewhat.
Has it improved the quality of our relationship. It is calmer but the quality is still the same.
Do I feel safer? No, it will take a long time for me to feel safe that the slightest thing will not set him off back into old behavior. Gel says something similar that even when her H is making an effort she cannot seem to trust it. Improvement has happened before then always reverts back. Substitute how she feels about his effort to meet her needs with the words to stop reacting in anger and it pretty well sums it up.
Other things you tried that didn't work
Running away-My leaving H. No it did not work. Physical fear of my own well being brought me back. Being tired of being harassed and having others being harassed brought me back. My love for my son and fear he would stay with my H brought me back.
Detaching-In healthy doses this has worked. But it moved into unhealthy when it became my whole way of reacting. Agreed this is the hardest challenge I am facing in my life to stop automatically detaching from a situation. I know we can all change the way we respond to situations but when your way of responding is to not respond hmmm it makes it a little more complicated. I first have to catch myself shutting down or flipping the off switch before I can prevent myself from doing it.
Seeking in others-Well I am seeking advise/support from you and others here on this BB. So I guess I will have to work on that one still. You all give me something that I lack someone who puts in an effort to understand how I feel and an outlet to share how I feel. That is exactly what I got from my EA (assuming that is what you were referring to). So though the faces have changed (thanks Lil) the underlying concept remains. I am still seeking from others what my H/R does not give me.
"STOP. please." It has to be repeated. men are thick. We need repetition for it to sink in.
I had tried simple responses as such. His thickness got me to the point of physically visible cringing and avoidance of him.
I have now come to the point that I realize that this is just him. And it will not change. I can except it or continue to try to fight it. There are times that it becomes overwhelming still but more days then not I just walk around wearing my white flag.
Think of a pet name to give him
I am working on this but it will not be stud muffin or anything over the top in that way. And it may take me awhile to find one that is petting enough while not revolting to my stomach when uttered.
But I dont think your H is lazy, Really. Oh this one we don't see even close to eye to eye on. He is off fishing while I still have that dam tree lying in my yard! Or hmmm his tools laying in my driveway. And the list ohhhh could go on and on.
You have been with him for 15 years, holy catfish you cant compare him with some ancient memory, of an idealized little girls perception and emotions that came with it, to this reality.
I don't compare him as a person to the other person. I do not even compare the R to the other R consciously. One my other post when I was working through those boxes and fighting those demons. I stated it was not the person but the purity of the feelings that was so overwhelming and still haunts me. The best way I can describe this is as follows. It as if you truly love a person with all your heart. And they die unexpectedly. Though with time you move on with your life. There is always a sadness that dwells within you. A hollow spot that cannot be refilled. Yet the longing for fulfillment remains.
That is what haunts me. And by haunts I mean just that. There is always something unseen in the back of my mind that tugs at me and makes me feel sad and alone and like something is missing. I cannot control this nor will it away. Yet I cannot quit put my finger on what it is either. So it is twice as hard to sit here and put in words.
Your H is responsible for, and a part of, the good (and bad) parts of much of where you are.
Yes, my H is a large part of my conception of my kids. And while I know I could have had kids with someone else they would not be these kids that I love and care for daily. They are my world. That is why I know for fact if someone said hey I can turn back time and you can have either this that you wanted or you can have what you already have. I would be sitting her today writing this post all the same. What I wanted is nothing in comparison to my children.
How long were you married first time Four years. My daughter was born right after our second anniversary. We dated less then 6 months prior to our M. And we spent the last almost two years of our marriage separated living in two different countries. International divorces are long and drawn out.
What is your longest R
Full time this marriage. Ex-boyfriend and I had an on again off again relationship for approx. 14 years not counting the EA. The EA if needed to be counted in would take it to about 16 years .(Again I only deem it a EA for the purpose of this board.)
You do not exist outside of everyone else around you. Trying has not been productive. so stop trying.
Sorry you lost me on this one. Please define a little. It may be an interesting comment.
Dinner together was great idea. still doing it?
Urrr No. Yeah that did not work out well. I am trying to participate in this function when it is at a fairly decent time. But stumbling block. I usually only eat once a day. I get hungry around 3. If I wait until dinner time. Between 6-7 I am no longer hungry. So on weekends if everyone is home I try to cook earlier and eat with them but during the week day it did not work out well.
shutting out the ghost is not the way to go. embracing and accepting it is. putting it in its place and honestly saying I have these emotions for what I remember of it, but not seeking out or having contact with the reality. What you remember of it is not always accurate.
Again if the ghost were an actual person. I am not in love with someone else per se. There is just some uncanny lingering presence of something that will not let go.
It was intense, it was powerful, it molded you, it was short.
Not so short.
The reality of it is IMO, it was a bad R. It was a negative influence in your life. Not one positive thing came from it. Did it improve you in any way? add to the peace or lasting happiness of your life?
I would not say it was an all bad thing. It was more like a rose vine. It contained overwhelming beauty and hidden sources of pain. As does almost every thing we experience in life. Being a mother contains those exact same elements. I guess the difference is most people if pricked by a thorn pull it out and the wound heals. And in the future are careful to pick the roses and avoid the thorns. I for some dysfunctional reason choose to not remove the thorn. And have avoided rose bushes at all cost.
another example, you said you hated H when OW was in your house. Did you hate him or did the feeling that came about because of the sitch make you so mad and fearful from past experience that you had to place it on him?
No, the almost hatred that I felt for my H was already in place long before the OW entered my home. That is why I stated that at the time jealousy was not an issue because was at a place that I almost hated my H. My feelings of almost hatred had been in place for nearly two years prior to this. But had built and built and built over that time to a place where I would have cared a less if they were having rampant sex in my bed. What bothered me was the way she had no want to wipe my persona out of my house she wanted to wrap it around her as if it were hers. That was like an invasion of my soul. Sorta like your room mate mimicking the good in your relationship with your wife. Taking on your essence.
What ifs, shoulda woulda coulda, is not accepting or dealing
I really have no what ifs hanging in my closet I do have a few shoulda's myself. I should have been smarter then letting myself get to where I am.
You should have figured out by now too many men in the heart doesn't work well for a woman. Put your H in there and put the rest in their little individual rooms in your head.
What little piece of my heart that belongs to my ex as a boyfriend is really just a fond memory. I know the man he is not the boy I was in love with. The man is nothing more then a good friend I share a very unusual bond with. Again what ever the demon is that dwells in my basement evolved from the relationship but is not a person. What ever it was that caused me to shut down falls more in the category of my inability to deal with my own emotions then bad emotions brought on by another. I have to own that one myself. I loved my boyfriend no denying it but I also walked away from him every single time not the other way around. The last time for no other reason then my inability to control how I felt. Why I felt I needed to control it is really a puzzle. Maybe it was the same reason I do not like smoking pot or taking pain medicines I do not like the way it makes me feel it is disarming and sets me off balance.
All that being said my issue the one I am trying to resolve is as I stated before how to stop shutting down from emotions. How to reconnect with them. Most memories I have of emotions as you said are inaccurate. So knowing what I should be feeling and how this feels is taking me out of my element right now. It is sorta like when someone is in labor and gets an epidermal you still have pain you are just unaware of its presence to a large degree.
Have you still been snuggling up to H?
Yes, He has taken to not only snuggling but sharing his blanket.
As an example of small changes that have come to pass since coming to this board and trying to really listen to what people are saying is important and why it is.
Today I got up around 9 am H was still in bed at 11. Around 11 I walked into our room and climb back in bed and snuggled up to him. I knew that it would end up with him wanting sex. I was not disappointed. In May I would have A. completely avoided any contact with him knowing where it would lead. B. Lug my bag of its all about sex and your penis and stroking it resentment bag along for the ride. C. Or been thinking Why do you always have to ruin a loving gesture, Why can the gesture not be enough mindset ect....
Today it was just that's who and how he is except it. Which allowed me to climb into that bed and try to form some small amount of an EC without having to fight pure dread and reluctance to do so.
I recommend being a freaking cat
Ahhh well as long as I can turn into a freaky cat sometimes I won't argue about this.
Hope all is having a good day. Start my new job tomorrow so guess I should hmm do that housework that is still screaming at me. I think I need to enlist some help from HP if I am ever to get it done.
