Its not the same as opening up and explaning the whys though.
Point taken. But sometimes the why's/reasons elude even the person involved. There are many things I understand about myself there are other things that just seem to be that way. No foundation for why is appearent.
I am a person that can be in a room full of friends/people and still feel all alone. It is a feeling I can remember from as far back as I remember. Why I feel that way is something I can not explain.
Just that some of your journaling may aggravate his insecurities
True. My H does not like any interaction I have with others so the fact that I put myself so out there and converse with even cyber people will enhance his insecurities. But that falls into the taking back of Chrissy aspect of where I am now. I cannot nor will not allow his insecurities to control me. Control him all he wants but not me any longer.
This is terribly amusing to me
Really. But it is very effective keeps people guessing. The monotone thing is actually natural. The expressionless eye conact is more of a learned trait if I wagered a guess.
I dont tolerate flat monotones and expressionless faces around me. If you are bored go be bored somewhere else.
Very expressionless I say you do not bore me. Heck on occassions you even elicite me to learn. I have pulled my dictionary out more then once when reading your post.( Okay thats a lie I enlist the help of dictionary.com). Now if I would only decide to use spell check at some point before my post I would be doing just fine.
think instead of spelling it out I will just quote you. There is only one thing in my life I ever wanted that I could not have
I don't think that this one thing would be categorized as a basis for fear. It is cause for my greatest sorrow in life thus far. Doing without this has left a void in my soul that seems can never be filled. But even with the pain that it has caused me there are large joys that may well not have been achieved had I not have failed in obtaining this one thing. Measure for measure of what I have and what I have done without I would say they equal out just in different matters of the heart. Actually let me recant that. If put side by side and made to choose between what I wanted and I did not get or the precious things I recieved in lew of this. I would be right here were I am now. Because what I have is the most awesome thing I could ever have been given. My children. There is a song about unanswered prayers.(yeah more country).
just because pain may be self inflicted, or perspectively changed to own it, does not eliminate the vulnerability and hurt that accompanied it. and the desire for avoidance.
Wow.
Thats too easy. and cheating. I say there was more then this. You can tell me I am wrong.
You are wrong.
Something about jealousy that some understand some don't. And yeah this will be one of those things that others don't agree with me on. Jealousy is about fearing lose. Jealousy is about a lack of self confidence/confidence of even a miniscule amount be it in your self your partner or in your relationship.
Though I do lack self confidence in some area's of life in my relationship I lack none. I am overly confident that my H is not going anywhere so there is no fear of lose there either. I do not feel entitled to his fathfulness but nor do I feel jeopardized by the thought of his lack of it either. Let me point out to this point of our relationship there has never been anything to make me feel threatened. That could be subject to change in the future who know's. And I may then become jealous.
I do lack self confidence as a mother. That is a very hard role to balance out. Making long term decisions for another who is not yet capable to make them there selfs is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I cannot say I like to decide things for my kids that may have long term or life long effects. I do not allows feel confident that my judgement is not jaded by the love of a mother. Hence I lack confidence. Someone coming in and infringing on my motherhood yes can rouse all kinds of emotions in me jealousy being one. No one can ever replace my children to me hence I want no one to ever be able to replace me to my children. But my side comes with a guarantee there side is not so written in stone. You see children all the time who think more of a step parent then there true parent.
And yes I know that all falls in this need to control thing or having to much control thing you keep pointing out. But as you can see there are some things I have control of that I do not necessarily want to have.
LOL, I am sure it is, though not primarily for that reason. still waiting......
Okay I was jealous in one relationship in the past and that jealousy just about ate through my soul and brought me to the bowls of hell and I will never ever ever go there again. Is that what you were waitting to hear?
Why not?
What are only the men not suppose to apolize?
Two reasons 1. I am always right ask my H he will tell you after he argues with you about it for a hour. 2. Why should I he will given a day or two even if he did nothing wrong.
ahh that was fun! No the truth lies somewhere between the above two statements. If it was a matter of I owe a apoligy I will give it. But usually the sitch gets esculated to the point of riduculous and not by my doing so whatever the error was in the beginning gets over shadowed by the drama and the drama becomes the focus point. Blah blah no way to resolve a problem when the focus shifts from the actual problem to the behavior.
LOL. Yes chrissy you are a freakin Cat.
Dam can I at least have a pretty collar with a bow!
I guess it is better then being classified a female dog.
You use them too effectively already. I have responded several times to the womens 'tests' here. Much to your amusemnt. Nice try.
Urghh not helpful!
When he tests you, do you pass them or let them irritate you?
I fail big time. They irritate the soul out of me. I would have to take on your big stud muffin attitude to make them work for me. I cannot see myself calling anybody a big stud muffin (yes this stuck with me I was howling with laughter inside just thinking about uttering these words). I use to call my H hon all the time and he loved it until he realized I called everyone hon. Customers co-workers ect now I call him by his last name just to give him the soul ownership of a loving pet name type deal. Yeah not loving enough. (My grams always called grams MR B and we all thought it was cute).
Yes effort and trying does and should get major points, when it is done out of love.
Your sneaky
Is that what you are trying to do?
To the best of my ability under the circumstances yes.
I don't want to share experiences with someone that does not crave them. It is sorta lack luster
I was talking in the bedroom also. I am the one who has to shake up the apple tree heck even try to cross breed it with the pear tree in there also. Eatting apples every day gets boring to.
COUNTRY! ACK. BLECK! COUGH, HACK. I think I am going to go live in my truck with my dog now.
You have a truck I knew I sorta liked you! I don't listen to much country myself. I am a Nickleback and Three doors down type of girl myself. Fave all time song is a Creed song though. Wanna take a guess? But I also like some rap/dance and country thanks to my family. The radio is like the dinner table around here cannot get them all to agree to like the same thing.
anychance your desire for wanting to do new things and experience life is tied into good memories of the same, and good feelings you had while doing them.
Yes there is a good chance of this being tied into past experiences. I spent a large portion of my early adulthood chasing new experiences and enjoyed it greatly.
Damn there I go blathering about me again
Blather away I enjoy it.
I recieved a recording of her singing 'I will remember you' by sarah McLachlan a couple days ago. and another email. talking about my drive and former plans for us.
I hope she has a decent voice. That is a hard song to carry off.
Any contact made yet? Or are you still keeping a little out of arm reach still?
just pointing out possible associative behaivior and that your H could be the same if his life experiences had shaped him this way.
