I am the type of person who will talk about just about anything. I am a open book when it comes to my short comings and faults

Yes it most certainly is an effective smoke screen. Making I statements satisfys most people. Its not the same as opening up and explaning the whys though.

I really do not feel I am being cutting towards him. I own up to my own mistakes.

I dont think nor suggest that it was your intention. Just that some of your journaling may aggravate his insecurities. Not your problem per se just be aware.

I have to say this. I am not blaming your R's function or malfunction on you. I just thought I would point out some of the double entendre's and ambiguous references that litter your journalings.

coupled with the fact I speak in flat monotones and show little expression in my eyes.
This is terribly amusing to me.

I thought you enjoyed these games. A word has so many different interpretations does it not?

I most certainly do enjoy precipitating and exposing the dissembling of others. A word has a specific meaning, how it is cobbled together with others, elicits reaction and gives opportunity for insight and further discussion. I dont tolerate flat monotones and expressionless faces around me. If you are bored go be bored somewhere else.

it is fear that is all well and fine. But to change the behavior I need to recognize the fear.

I think instead of spelling it out I will just quote you.
There is only one thing in my life I ever wanted that I could not have

Hmmm.

I refuse to play the victim or act victimized so if we are speaking in this relationship and in matters involving my step dad I argee.

No I was not. and just because pain may be self inflicted, or perspectively changed to own it, does not eliminate the vulnerability and hurt that accompanied it. and the desire for avoidance.

You wouldnt admit to jealously though. I will admit to jealousy when it comes to someone else was trying to take on my role with my kids when H had them.

Thats too easy. and cheating. I say there was more then this. You can tell me I am wrong.

I think of it as being weak if I am jealous and I have been at the blunt of my H and his unwarrented jealousy ......that even the mear thought of being jealous is enough to turn my stomach. LOL, I am sure it is, though not primarily for that reason. still waiting......



I almost felt not only self loathing for allowing myself to get there I felt almost blind hatred for my H. Ah -ha. control, control, control. Something prior to this though.

before you ask no I do not). Why not?


But he strokes me all the time. What am I a freakin cat! I don't need petted nor do I want to be. ROFL. Side note. Guys some girls are cats. Chrissy is one. You dont endlessly pet a cat or make grabs at them. Thats for dogs. You sit and wait for the cat to come to you. and then you pay attention to what kind of petting causes purring. If the petting makes the cat dash off or get up in a huff and leave, you dont try to yank it back without getting a hisss and proabably a scratch.

LOL. Yes chrissy you are a freakin Cat.

Examples of this please. I cannot use them constructivly if I am not aware of what is a test.
You use them too effectively already. I have responded several times to the womens 'tests' here. Much to your amusemnt. Nice try.

But do you use them to keep yourself in control or to engender good feelings in him and security in the R?
Methinks you misunderstood my comment. When he tests you, do you pass them or let them irritate you? (I am acknowledging that they are from your discription, insecure, overboard, and his problem.) If you pass them, will they die down? How much of this insecurity and neediness was caused by the dynamic of your initial R, the first year or so? I am not talking about his grabs and gropes. get him a electric wireless dog collar with remote to cure that behavior.

Not all men are like this but there are more then a few out there.
Well I am not going to do a tit for tat on this one. I will allow you this one, but say there is a reason they 'have' to pay for attention. And a reason why she takes his money and goes and spends it on 'jerko' bf. I dont think it is because she is 'broken' either.

important it is for the HD to feel that the LD is at least trying to make them happy.

Yes effort and trying does and should get major points, when it is done out of love.

Now the fact that I am trying to show and tell him that I am so hell bent on keeping pace and not backsliding with the monthly min is something I am doing to make him more fufilled is something that should piss him off.Now wait a cotton picking minute correct me if I am wrong(like you would not even if I did not invite you to) But I thought that was what this whole identifying your spouses love language and learning how to speak to them in it even if it was not your LL was about. You know filling there love tank.

I didnt say that sincere effort would or should piss him off.

Is that what you are trying to do? I know ALL about filling love tanks. Engendering emotion, causing feelings, etc.

complacent/ritualistic can also be worded secure/stable. I know attractors become detractors. You decided on this man for some specific reasons. It was considerably thought about. I wonder what they were. Do you remember? Probably.


He will do things if I suggest/plan them but he never just says hey you know what I have never done this lets go do it. I find that boring. I don't want to share experiences with someone that does not crave them. It is sorta lack luster

I understand. Do you see what you just said here? You make this too easy on me.

Reba McEntire
COUNTRY! ACK. BLECK! COUGH, HACK. I think I am going to go live in my truck with my dog now. Ok it wasnt terrible. Kinda girlie for my tastes though. I could really freak my friends out blasting this on the stereo.

But my H lacks drive and vision.
Compared to what?

Funny my x accused me of this. When she did so, it was the most ironic, changed perception thinking I ever saw from her. I thought it was completely untrue, and hurtful to the extreme. She was comparing 1 thing about me to someone else and didnt even have the whole picture, or understand the differences that made my drive and vision, vastly more powerful and difficult.
Well as they say the truth always comes to light eventually. It did and has. So I recieved a recording of her singing 'I will remember you' by sarah McLachlan a couple days ago. and another email. talking about my drive and former plans for us. Personally I prefer Rob Bass and DJ Easy Rock 'It takes two'.

Damn there I go blathering about me again. Damn narcissistic tendancies.

To me this means having a passion for life
Well since you have the mindset and the tendancies I suggest you 'drag' your 'willing and agreeable' H along with you on some zany adventures. Its kinda comparable to a HD guy with a LD woman who loves him, will have sex with him, just doesnt think to plan it or initiate. Also repeated good feelings with certain activities creates habits and can even cause desire if the habitual causant is lost. Hence my urging for Cemar to ML with his purportedly 'willing and agreeable' W.

to prove my point I am going to relate a personal experience. I had a gf who had been raped when she was 17. The position was doggy style when it happened and he also said some specific phrases to her that could set her off if she heard snippets or similar wording. Doggy was verboten.

Well I dont have a problem avoiding words, but I like doggy style. After a few months of slowly working different positions close to it and ending up in a similar position after her O I finally worked it. it stopped being taboo. there was withdrawal by her after the first time, but I didnt press it, didnt force it, and didnt let it discourage me either. I took baby steps and used emotional anchoring to make it a good experience and generate new memories. Was it selfish? Absolutely. Was it harmful? I dont think so, in fact I think it was good for her in the end. Did she initiate it? Not that I remember, but she wasnt resistant or inactive(dead fish) either.

anychance your desire for wanting to do new things and experience life is tied into good memories of the same, and good feelings you had while doing them. I am not discounting having a passion for life or demeaning the desire in any way. At all. just pointing out possible associative behaivior and that your H could be the same if his life experiences had shaped him this way.

There I spelled it out after all. Some of it at least. Problem solver-- cant help myself. No self control....