I loved your opening on this post. I actually do not respond to anything you write straight off. I always read them think I don't know if I want to answer that. Sometimes your questions are in statememts that really say nothing the questions are hidden in words. Of course I then end up coming back and answering Why? Easy answer. Because at times I feel you are the male version of myself. Truthful answer You see things that I only elude to not out of deception but caution.(for lack of better words). Sometimes I am not even aware of it until you call me on it. In your subtle way.
I am the type of person who will talk about just about anything. I am a open book when it comes to my short comings and faults. There is only one thing in my life I ever wanted that I could not have. And only one secret that I refuse to share with anyone. Yet I have this sinking feeling you know. That is a little disarming. Maybe I am wronge time will tell.
I hope he reads thru your posts in order to understand you better and not take the hurtful things you say personnally
No it is more of a control thing. My H does not believe I or any married person should be allowed privacy of any sort. And truthfully the times I know for sure he has read on this website. I have been around and he reads something that I read and found funny or informational. There have been a few times I think he has read here because of something he says that relates to something that I have posted.
I really do not feel I am being cutting towards him. I own up to my own mistakes. There have been a few vent sessions. But most things he is aware of how I feel on because I am not one to hold back. He may not always agree with my view of things. Nor do I his. But we are both pretty aware of the others feelings on the sitch. After my sickness and major depression and wanting out of this marriage. I decided it was healthier for me to just say it then hold it in. There are some things I do not say and I really try not to say spur of the moment things. Example my comment on him acting like a woman. I do tend to hold these things in if I catch myself before hand. I do fall off the not taking away all of his self confidence wagon sometimes though and out it comes. But I usually have to be pushed in that direction to the point of enough is enough.
but your bluntness
Believe it or not I have toned this down majorly in the last 8 years. Being blunt has many pro's and con's. In the work force I learned being blunt with someone with low self esteem/ not willing to take self responsibility could become problematic if they were not use to this form of mannorism coupled with the fact I speak in flat monotones and show little expression in my eyes. So I learned to hop around the bush to get to the carrot.(But I still take the shortest route there). I hate this approach it is not natural to me. I feel more comfortable just saying what I mean. When I first came to this board GEL use to lay it on the line to me. And I really respected her for that.
If you play these semantical games with ME these convos are going to be a useless endeavor.
Point scored for BF. Though from earlier post I thought you enjoyed these games. A word has so many different interpretations does it not?
Which is immediate in most cases, isnt it.
Point taken.
So you know that it is self protecting, which means done out of fear,
If I concede and say it is fear that is all well and fine. But to change the behavior I need to recognize the fear. And I am not afraid of not being in a relationship nor of supporting myself and my children. So what is the fear?
And I will wager the life of my former best friend, that you came into this R with a lot more R experience then he did.
True I met my H when he was 19 I was 25. He had never been in much of a long term relationship. Nor did he have alot of girlfriends in HS. And his sexual experiences pretty much none.
Well those were the easy ones to respond to now here comes the ones that made me say urgh.
its part of your nature because it keeps you from needing anyone, and susceptible to being vulnerable or hurt
Stop it!. Okay I have been looking for answers to why I would detach (as sub consiously as it may happen) from people like my daughter whom I love dearly and sitch like her moving out. For you to just lay it out there so plainly and simply makes it pretty hard to say No I do not think that is why. My problem is like with my daughter I do not want to detach myself yet it is just like I go into shut down mode like a battery going dead. How do you stop this from happening? Having the ability to detach is great in some circumstances but like with my daughter it is only going to bring on more pain by doing so( losing the close bond we have).
Which you have been to the nth degree more then once
I refuse to play the victim or act victimized so if we are speaking in this relationship and in matters involving my step dad I argee. Other people and the pain that they have caused me are really not big issues with me I feel more they were opportunitys for growth which I did learn and grow from. Life is full of valuable lessons good and bad.
For example, you made light of the fact that OW was in your house while you were gone. It irritated you because H found someone else to take care of things, instead of doing it himself.
Agreed. I thought it as taking the easy way out. Certain things about my H really bother me. One being his unwillingness to learn how to take care of things and make decisions. His allowing someone else to take care of things in my absense instead of taking charge of them himself made me realize if I were to die he would grab the first person and throw them in charge to avoid doing it himself and my kids could be raised by the wicked witch of the west and treated terrible for no other reason then his laziness. He is capable of doing it if he would put in the effort.
You wouldnt admit to jealously though.
Urgh big time!. Okay I will admit to jealousy when it comes to someone else was trying to take on my role with my kids when H had them. I am not one who deals well with the thought of someone trying to take over my role as mom with my kids. Truthfully the emotions that come with that is I will ripe your heart out through your throat if you fcuk with my kids. I will admit to anger at someone coming into my house with my belongings and trying to take over as if it were theres. Now understand this house and every house we have ever lived in is one you can walk into and know me. Everything about it is me. From what hangs on the walls the colors of the walls. It is all me and my personality.(at its best mind you).Some one who comes into my home is almost entering a view of my soul. For them to try to take over that as if it were there own is almost a intrusion of my being. Just like the tatoo on my back my house and its belongings tell a story of me and who and what I am and believe in. This is very personal to me.(with the exception of my childrens rooms every room in my house reflects a different aspect of my personality).My home is my castle.(note home not house she could have had that I am not that found of it).
Oh no Chrissy is above that.
Urgh again. I detest jealousy in a relationship. Yes I think of it as being weak if I am jealous and I have been at the blunt of my H and his unwarrented jealousy so often that even the mear thought of being jealous is enough to turn my stomach.
This was a perfectly acceptable time to be jealous, show it in a healthy way and allow you H to see that what he does has some affect on you.
This may be true. At the time though I was so desperate for some peace of mind and was so fed up with everything I almost felt not only self loathing for allowing myself to get there I felt almost blind hatred for my H. Jealousy would never have registered with me. I did try to act jealous to give H a dose of his own medicine. I doubt I was very convincing though.
I am currently killing all chances with my x, by using Indifference. I was gracious, compassionate, wished her happiness, hope things work out for her,
Sadly half of you truely means this and the other half is not so sincere. Odd how with our mouths we can do this with the ones we truely love will inside we feel sometimes at war with our selfs and other times as if a part of us is tired and sleeping in the cold. The song Haunted best describes this.
Your H goes thru intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. Men have deep feelings also, though you want us to control them. Do you make this easy or hard?
My H seldom withdrawls from me. A arguement yes he says he is sorry often afterwards if the arguement stays between us for a day or so.(and before you ask no I do not).
Men do have deep feelings. I actually like that. Well most of feelings not jealousy or controlling behavior that stems from them. But I think it is the way that a man or to me anyone shows them more then wanting them to control there feelings that sets the grounds for how receptive I am of anothers feelings and dealing with them. On occassion my H has cried not often though. I am fine with that. Now if he cried at the drop of a hat. Oh I would not deal well with it. But I do not deal well with woman that cry at the drop of a hat either. I find it uncomfortable to be around someone who cries easily. S10 will cry if I hurt his feelings or if he truely wants something and is told no.(not spoiled cry) Because it hurts his feelings/ dissapoints him. His feeling get hurt very easy by me. If he feels I am slightly upset with him he cries. I mean simple things like if he cleans his room and I tell him he needs to go back and clean something up better it hurts his feelings. Mind you he is a exceptional child and I always keep that in mind in the mannor I use to relate to him. But it blows my mind sometimes and want to exit the situation because I don't know how to deal with his crying over little things.
When my H's feelings are hurt or he is dissapointed I am okay and receptive to it may even try to avoid doing whatever it was in the future. If he just simply states it as such. You know this hurt my feelings or I was really dissapointed that you did not do this. Now if he pouts I think he is childish and get pissy. If he becomes explosive I either fight fire with fire or ignore him.
The touch overly affectionate thing is what I have problems with the most. I don't mind him holding my hand laying his hand on my leg. Snuggling up to me. But he strokes me all the time. What am I a freakin cat! I don't need petted nor do I want to be. That one just makes me bite my lip and pray his hands get a cramp. And I have told him over and over and over to please cut back on it. Which inspires him to increase the amount instead. And I am not going into the out of the blue crotch or breast gropes. BTDT already.
But women are 'wired' to test us constantly as men allready.
Gonna have to throw me a bone on this one. Examples of this please. I cannot use them constructivly if I am not aware of what is a test.
But do you use them to keep yourself in control or to engender good feelings in him and security in the R?
His test that he is always trying to put me through. Oh they are not conducive to any form of good feelings or security. I actually view them as a irritant a large majority of the time and end up falling off the wagon of good behavior after so much of it. As stated earlier.
I am a arousal then desire person I wont argue, but I will cock my eybrow and grunt
Thats a score two more points for BF and a good chuckle.
Man I would be pissed and not wanting to have sex either.
Now wait a minute I have spent months reading and responding to post on who important it is for the HD to feel that the LD is at least trying to make them happy. That they want to know that there needs matter to there spouse and knowing there spouses are putting a effort into speaking there LL. Now the fact that I am trying to show and tell him that I am so hell bent on keeping pace and not backsliding with the monthly min is something I am doing to make him more fufilled is something that should piss him off. Now wait a cotton picking minute correct me if I am wrong(like you would not even if I did not invite you to) But I thought that was what this whole identifying your spouses love language and learning how to speak to them in it even if it was not your LL was about. You know filling there love tank.
They are not thinking with the wrong body part,
Really the man who's car is about to be repossed and water has been shut off who comes in the bar and leaves a waitress $50.00 for serving him a few beers and strutting her stuff and giving him a smile or two is not thinking with there wrong body part. Or how about the one who hires the 19 year old for a job she is not qualified for and puts a company's money/client relations and his own respect level in the company in jeapardy all because he thinks she is hot and hopes he might score a piece of azz. He is not thinking with the wrong body part? Lets see how about the man that goes to the strip club and gets so entranced with a stripper he mortgages his home to buy her one only to have her and her boyfriend move into it. Was he thinking with the right body part?
I don't think so. Even if you do. Now less the stripper sitch do I feel it is wrong for a woman to take advantage of these men. Nope. If you cannot pay your bills and your gonna pay $50.00 for a smile your bad. If you hire someone in hopes of getting a piece of azz and they are a bumbling idiot and you loose your job or become the company laughing stock for using such misjudgement again your bad.
These are the type of men that have caused me negative views of men. Not all men are like this but there are more then a few out there.
you are testing them to see if they will 'be a man' -whatever that means in a womans head
Boredom for me in a relationship sets in when life stops being about experiences and adventures and becomes complacent/ritualistic.
Best example I can think of off my head. I dated this guy once and when we first dated we went out dancing and bah hahing and gosh just crazy zany things we always wanted to try and had not( no not in bed guys). Then after we started just dating each other yeah he totally became boring all the fun stuff and new experiences went out the window. And everything became same ole same ole real quick and in a hurry. Yeah hmmm boring.
My ex and myself would go to different hotels in near by neighborhoods or even restraunts on the weekends. We went to the tar pits one weekend a art show the next or a play. Sometimes when we were broke we would just catch a bus to somewhere we could do a day trip and just walk around looking at buildings. It was great until hes drinking became so bad then the only new places we saw was the insides of new bars.
My life and my H are very ritualistic. But my H lacks drive and vision. He will do things if I suggest/plan them but he never just says hey you know what I have never done this lets go do it. I find that boring. I don't want to share experiences with someone that does not crave them. It is sorta lack luster. Like opening a business with someone who does not care about owning a business or having any customers.
Reba McEntire has a song called "Is There Life Out There" Never have I ever heard a song so on the spot of how I about my marriage. I am a big music person and I love tons of different types but this one song is just how I feel when the boredom over comes me.
There is nothing more challanging then a long term passionate R.
To me this means having a passion for life.
Seriously that is a good thing as women arent to handy with complex subjects
