Quote: I could go on and on. But in truth all I am trying to say is. I have no anger for my mom. I feel sorry for her. I understand she thought that what she was doing was what was best for us. By providing us a home and a father and a family that was no longer embarrased of us. I feel sorry for her because the two times she tried to get out. She had no one that would help her. I feel sorry for how trapped I know she felt do to lack of family support and lack of education. I feel sorry for the two years of living hell I put her through myself. And I feel sorry for the fact I know she feels she let both myself and my older sister down some how and that every thing she thought was for us ended up hurting us. That is a hell of a guilt to live with. I know I live with it myself where my daughter is concerned.
This doesn't sound a bit like detachment to me. It sounds like empathy squared. You have the ability to be involved when it is appropriate. Maybe if you could detect man o' steel tendancies in your H, you would be less detached, eh?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Well I did the card(not the day planned since he was being mean and I would have been more inclined to say here I got you this but cram it up your a$$). I left it on the kitchen counter. He did not say anything about it but I know he got it.
I made a point to not sit on the chair but to sit with him on the couch the other night while we were watching TV.
I thanked him twice now for finishing up the kitchen floor.
Last night he was really pissy. And was cussing alot so other then telling him to knock of cussing at the kids I avoided him. Until bed time.
All week I have been trying to touch him while we are going to sleep and sleep by him instead of my edge of the bed. Almost forgot what it felt like to sleep without dangling off the side of a bed
Tonight he came home pissy from work. So I immediately asked him why. He said he had a bad day at work. I asked him what happened(not normal for me). And he seemed to calm down some.
Thats about it so far. What do you think to little?
So how was your week? Got another great after the weekend up date for us?
I think how our step dads were raised probably in part is why they were such angry people. In truth my step dad was raised without much and had a very selfish mom. My step dads own father died when he was very young. So he being th oldest boy and being Jewish was looked on as the man of the family. From what I have heard he worked from the age of 11 to help take care of his brother and mother.
I remember a few years back before his mom died my little sister found out he had never owned a wagon or a real toy and had never even had a pumpkin to carve in his life. She was so upset and cried and told her grama that she was a selfish lady.
I don't think the going without or keeping things picked up would be a issue with me. It was the yelling and screaming and total desrespt he showed everyone that has had a lasting effect on me.
Actually I have been thinking since my post to Cobra that it is the things about my H that remind me of my step dad. The control the anger the yelling that make me react in the same way I did to my dad after awhile. I shut down towards him. And it seems like I have shut down so often that I have re-opened up less and less to him afterwards. To the point now that it is just my reaction.
I don't really know how to get around this behavior. No more then I understand how I have forgiven everyone else, my real father my grandfather, my exboyfriend,even myself to some degree. But I cannot seem to be humble enough to forgive my step father.
I have thought about the fact in the last few days that if my H's behavior did not remind me of my step dad so much I probably would not find it so abhorent. But gosh what to do with that. ( though the behavior reguardless is not exceptable).
There are little things as I am realizing that is a after effect of the past I can address easily. Like eatting with my family. I plan to change this dynamic and no matter how uncomfortable it becomes to sit at that table and no matter how much it reminds me off my dad I am going to stay there. Though I hope I can do it not out of defiance but find a better reason to do so. Family unity and support would be good reasons.
And no where my mom older sister and grandmother and kids are concerned I am not detached. I may detach from certain aspects of things that relate to them. But my love of them is greater then my need/abilty to detach from things.
Chrissy... You are doing a fine job with the 180's. Remember that this isn't about becoming more dependent on H....you just want to enrich your quality of life with H. Oh...and the leg dangles, too funny...I did the same thing! Much better to want to snuggle against a warm body. See, there are things you are missing and it won't get better unless you confront it. Remember, you are doing all this to make your life better.
I wasn't dealing with physical abuse ( just emotional abuse,lol...I can laugh now), but I had to find a way to boundary the jerky behavior and then, instead of withdrawing, I had to come forward and uncover the good parts of my H ( all the good parts for those of you with dirty minds). And the more positives I discovered and emphasized, the better things got. So keep your eyes open for the good stuff. My H still does provoke me but I deal with it and get back in the game.
H and I had a wonderful weekend...thank you for asking...will update eventually... after doing essentially nothing all morning I am now taking the kids to the movies...bye for now!
The eating dinner with family, seeking out your H to cuddle. I understand you comments on hunger and feelings for different reasons. I have always been hungry going back to my preteens. I could eat more then grown hardworking men as a early teen. Its so constant and pervasive that I am immune to it. Make sense?
I just eat. It is just a function now. When I get distracted, with work, study, whatever I will go without it, even though for me it is a real need. My x would get cranky if she missed one meal or it was not at the normal time. I have skipped eating for a couple days when I get engrossed in my studies. LOL. I think that was one of the reasons I fell for my PA, she alwasy made sure I had food, because I would have wasted away running around doing my thing on the set. She and my x also got some kind of enjoyment out of watching me wolf food down, making it disappear like a majic trick. What is that?
I wonder if you havent been ignoring, denying, eradicating your needs so long that you dont know how to feel them properly. You have to see other people doing them here, and it jogs something with you.
anyways food for thougt. I have some other thougts for you and LFL, that GEL and HP seem to be 'getting' slowly maybe, now if I can just enunciate (articulate) them clearly.
I wonder if you havent been ignoring, denying, eradicating your needs so long that you dont know how to feel them properly. You have to see other people doing them here, and it jogs something with you.
Thats what seems to be happening slowly but surely.
really like the 180's you are doing Chrissy
I am trying little things but still it is a attempt.
Today when H ran to the store I volunteered to go with him. Then when I was putting up halloween decorations I asked for his help. Even though I was completely capable of doing it myself.(Don't think he enjoyed it though).
Been going throw a quite mode of late. Which is always hard for my H to deal with. I become sorta withdrawn and quite about once every three months. And this time coupled with the fact I recently started back on anti depressentes and trying to get use to getting up early every day and trying to get back in the swing of working I am tired a lot. There is a good side to that my sleeping disorder does not seem to be as predominant right now. I am down to half of the amount of meds to make myself sleep. Have not been awake at 2 am in about 2 weeks usually out before midnight. Any how.
Not saying I like my job. But I was thinking about the fact that it will be over in two weeks and I think I will miss the interaction with others that it allows. Grant you alot of times it is just brief interaction with customers but I think I will miss even that. I am not really thinking my H likes my working he was okay with it at first. But last weekend I started having to work more hours and he called to make sure I was at work and ask my boss what time I would get off. I had to chuckle about that.
H and I had a small spat about my post regaurding manly men. He was questioning who I was writting to and what I was writting so I read it to him. Well of course that lead him to ask me if I found him to be a manly man. I could have lied and say yes but not wanting to be a hypocrite I told him no. Of course that just flew all over him. I explained a little but his anger was rising and really I was just recanting and repeating what I have said a thousand times in the past so just let it go. He mumbled and grumbled for a while I just let him. Mentally I was ticking off all the recent things he could do to take charge of things that all still need done that would help my respect level for him. But I kept that to myself seeings he was already fuming. I also trying to take note of what IHJ said about positives tried to checkmate all those negative things on the list with positives. It was a great resentment sqealching tool.
We did have one major blowup in the last week or so since I posted. I was really tired one night I mean really tired I went to bed around 10:30 and was asleep in 10 minutes. I had been watching tv with H prior to that and told him I was going to bed because I was just exhausted. Around 2 am H woke me up messing around. I was furious that he was being so rude and inconsiderate to wake me up when I had not only stated but obviously was so tired that I could fall asleep in 10 minutes. The next day H told me if I ever got mad at him like that I would find myself sleeping in another room. I said I doubt it. He said oh yes I would very threatening. He was so full of himself and being so serious. WTF who TF do you think you are and a variety of other thoughts ran through my head But I did a Gel thought them all out then answered him. I just looked at him and said well if you had not been so inconsiderate I would not have reacted the way I did. So in the future you be a little more considerate and there will not be a next time. And left it at that. He argued with himself for the next few minutes as I want about my business but I would not be baitted to respond further. He called the next day from work to apolize for being such a ass. But since that day I have only had sex once with him and that was more get it over sex. Those words and his attitude his total belief he had the right to exile me from my room has just stayed with me. Though I find his behavior and words a little bemusing I also find it a little disconcerning. Not sure why. Had he have said he would sleep in a different room I would have been like what ever with little belief it would ever happen. So why his stating I would be sleeping in another room would not elicit the same reaction is odd unless it was the underlying threat of him physically forcing me to another room which I can actually envision him doing. I don't know it has me a bit baffled at the time.
So the sex thing is a bit behind for the month. Well quite behind. I am only half way through my monthly min. And running out of days to play catch up. So I guess I need to shake what ever ails me and get to it. I have been pretty set on not backsliding on this for the past year and a half but feel blah about it right now. Wondering if my anti depressents has a part in that. I was real hesitant to go back on them and so far the only difference I can see is my maybe not having to desire to meet the min. And this tired feeling I have from about 5 pm on. If this persist into the next month or so I will just go back off of them.
D18's birthday is right around the corner. Not sure what to do for her b-day. Got her Christmas figured out gonna buy her a digital camera. Anybody got any suggestions of what you buy a 19 year old girl who is married yet living at home and shops so much she has everything in every color? I was thinking some lingerie since her H is taking her to Atlanta for her birthday. What do you guys think?
What do you think to little?
